Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

How can you be more supportive with whom your child chooses as friends even when you know that they are not right for them?

I'm always talking to her about choosing her friends wisely. To be careful and it's always good to stand back and watch some of the actions and conversations of others. To be very selective as to who she allows in her social circle, but sometimes she tells me that I'm not allowing her to choose. She says that I have to allow her to use what she's been hearing from me. Am I just being a bit over protective or should I be overly concerned?

Answer Question
 
Godsluv848

Asked by Godsluv848 at 1:53 PM on Apr. 23, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (30 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • First off how are they not right for her?
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 1:55 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • Personally I think that you give them the tools and then you step back. She can always come to you for advice. And if you see something seriously wrong you can speak to her about it.
    But if you hover over her she really hasn't got the chance to use what she has learned while still in the safety of your home. Better to let her spread her wings with a safety ne than to shelter her and let her be too scared to fly at all.
    But that is JMO
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:02 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • BTW welcome to CM
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:06 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • i have always told my 14 yr old to know who her real friends are and who are not..if she tells a friend something knowing said friend will tell everyone she can not get upset she knew better. yes she can get mad but if she knew then why tell that person something ( like how she had a bladder proublm when she was 4 ) i have told her she will know her true friends..her good friends as she grows older. i had tons of friends but didnt find my true friends till i was in my 20's. who by the way were not friends from school or my past.. they ended up being neighbores. kids can watch and observe and know for themselfs who is good..who likes gosspi who starts trouble. and make there choice but if she turns to the one who gosspis..then she knows what might happen if theres a fight or a dissagreement. kids choose for themselfs and will learn lessons and grow with them. its ok to be a concerned parent and want them to choose wisely.
    tabbys4

    Answer by tabbys4 at 2:07 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • Thanks Ladies...one question asked of me is how are they not right for her? Well some of the children's activities is not how I raise my kid, but she's been really good about cutting ties with them to a point...I'm just not with some of the things they do...my daughter has actually been great with kicking some to the curb, but I just pray that she takes heed to all my teachings and advice to her...I think sometime I may step overboard because she's my only child...I have lost 3 before her...she does thinks that I'm not allowing her to grow up in a way....thinking that I may be a lil bit protective over her!! Thanks ladies..
    Godsluv848

    Comment by Godsluv848 (original poster) at 2:26 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • Thanks Dardenella and tabbys4 for your advice. This helps a lot..thanks for the welcome...I'm new to MomsCafe...and so far I find it just thrilling and exciting to be able to speak with other single moms from all over! Just a home away from home..I'm loving it!! Thanks again ladies..
    Godsluv848

    Comment by Godsluv848 (original poster) at 2:43 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • We handled it by allowing our children to bring any of their friends to our house to hang out, watch movies or whatever. We even provided snacks. What we found was that the friends who were up to no good didn't hang around for very long once they saw our children were not going to be allowed to run to the places they wanted to go. It worked beautifully for us because we never had to eliminate a single friend. They eliminated themselves, and our children were able to see it for what it was. I'm pretty sure they are handling it the same way. It may be a bit inconvenient to have extra children around, but in the end, it will be worth your trouble.

    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:11 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • your welcome :) i joined cafemom years ago. and i love it. i can get advice and opinions and a conversation to a point as much as being online lets me lol. there are some people who will just bash just because and i have learned to just move on. but for the most part everyone is nice and helpful. im a sahm and normaly the only adult talk i get is from here. im married but my dh works long hours and i have 2 kids along w/ 2 beautiful sd's. so sometimes advice is needed. as for your dd like was said u teach and trust and hope for the best out come. and im sorry for all the loss u have been threw.
    tabbys4

    Answer by tabbys4 at 4:47 PM on Apr. 23, 2012

  • I think the issue is one of honoring the child as a separate person, recognizing her autonomy, and acknowledging (inside) when the tendency to see her as an extension of yourself is becoming a factor. Honestly, I think this is an issue for most if not all parents, in that it doesn't just come easily or naturally to us. Depending on the emotional climate in your family of origin, over-identifying and emotional enmeshment can be more or less of a problem.

    It's a control issue. Parenting well isn't about controlling a separate person. The attempt to control another's choices generates dynamics of struggle & resistance.

    If you're willing & able to tolerate some "mistakes," you'll increase the likelihood that she'll have space to learn from those mistakes; she won't be so caught up in defending her validity & resisting you. Being able to tolerate your anxiety, fear & internal discomfort probably helps the most with this.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:54 PM on Apr. 25, 2012

  • repetition is the key...
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 9:30 PM on May. 3, 2012

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.