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6 Bumps

I just can't take anymore...but I can't break either. I don't know how to get through to him.

My DH and I own a small cleaning company. I am 30 weeks pregnant, so I no longer help him clean, we've hired three other girls to help him. I handle all the laundry and book work from home. We have 2 other children. One is in school one is 2 and stays home with me. We've only been doing this cleaning company for about 6 months, and prior to that he worked and handled all the money. I took care of the house and the kids. He's AWFUL with bookwork and money. We got very far behind on all our bills and cut back on everything we possible could. Now, with this business, we're making enough to catch ourselves up (if we do it right) and stay ahead. And he's FINALLY admitted he can't handle the money as well as I can, so put it all in my hands. I now handle the children, the house (cooking cleaning, etc.), the bills, the books for our business, the laundry for the business, and whatever else comes up. He literally cleans the houses and thats it. Its a HARD, back breaking job. He busts his ass daily. But he literally screams at me several times a day over one thing or another. He's OCD so the house has to be spotless all the time. AND IT IS!!! But he takes our vacumn and mop to clean every day, so when he gets home the floors need to be done. I either get yelled at for not having the house clean (according to him, I NEVER mop), or that I "play around all day and wait for him to get home to do anything". So, basically, at 30 weeks pregnant I'm supposed to get on my hands and knees and scrub our kitchen floor because he has the swiffer. And who knows how I'm supposed to take care of the carpets.

So, I went all out this past weekend and crazy cleaned EVERYTHING in the house. Like baseboards, moldings, took down all the pictures and cleaned the walls, etc. SCRUBBED the hell out of the bathrooms top to bottom. Got on chairs and dusted every little nook of our fans, cleaned out and on top of the fridge, EVERYTHING!! HE STILL BITCHED ABOUT MOPPING THE F*ING KITCHEN!!! When HE left the mop at the job sight!!

And the money...I get yelled at every single day about the bills. The ones that HE let get 3 months behind, and in 2 weeks I have half way caught up...but not all the way so its not good enough!

And the company. The bookwork is PERFECT. Extreamly organized and detailed. The laundry is a big problem. Our supplier keeps messing up our orders, and I have to figure out how to fix it. I'll get mix matched sheet sets...both colors and sizes. Like, I'll get full sized fitted sheets, with twin top sheets. And I have to figure out how to make it work. And, of course, he screams at me about it EVERY TIME!! And, when I send him a list of what he needs, or what i've packed him, etc...he'll call me screaming about how this or that is missing...when its really in the bag and he didn't listen when I told him OR read the list I've made him.

The kids are out of control and disrespectful. But when I put down rules, ground the oldest, or time-out the youngest, he goes behind my back and lets them out of their punishments. He's always giving them whatever they want, and teaching them they have to show me NO respect. But then doesn't understand why our 3rd grader has such a smart mouth, or why our two year old throws GOD AWFUL temper tantrums over EVERYTHING!! And you know I'd better have it handled in the first 12 seconds, or it gives him a headache which makes me a terrible wife and mother.

Today, I've already been yelled at 5 times!! He's been up since 7:30, and hasn't been home since 8...but has managed to scream at me 5 times!! Once over bills, once over how much money I was giving him (USUALLY he screams I've given him too much, and he doesn't need it. "thats why we're still behind on our bills". But, today he needs supplies he didn't tell me about, so when I handed him money he screams about how he needs more and I need to think about these things and quit being stupid), once over calling a client HE lied to and I have to fix the situation, once over the laundry issues, and once over our "shit hole of a house".

And, last week was a real winner. I had a 24 hour stomach bug (that he gave me) and was in the bathroom almost all day. I called him to ask when he thought he'd be home, because I really needed help with the kids.. (GOD FORBID I get to lay down). He flipped out on me saying he knew I was just calling to check up on him because I thought he was cheating. If I don't trust him, and he's going to have to deal with my insecurities, then he doesn't want to be married to me. But THE NEXT DAY he started accusing me of cheating because I brushed my hair to run up to the grocery store!!

And please don't think I'm on of those women who sit back and don't defend myself. I do. Everytime. And it makes his yelling and hurtful words worse. Everytime.

I don't cry easily...even pregnant, and he's had me in tears every day for weeks. I need to know how to get through to him.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:58 AM on Apr. 30, 2012 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • I'd smack him with a log.

    Seriously though, his behavior toward you is completely inappropriate. I think, first, you should quit engaging him. Make it clear that you will not discuss ANYTHING with him until he speaks to you with respect and as an adult.

    Second, I'm a bit concerned for you because it seems almost as though this is a bit of a behavior shift for him. Has he always been this explosive?
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 12:02 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • No matter what his reasoning is, no matter why he does it, HE SHOULDN'T BE. Tell him to stfu until he can speak to you with respect. Do not sit by quietly and let that kind of behavior continue. The longer you 'allow' him to treat you like that the worse it gets. WALK AWAY from him. His next step will be physical, he is moments away from that. Don't kid yourself in thinking it won't happen.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 12:47 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • Okay, I just saw your second note. I'd suggest you get him in for a check up. Something could be medically wrong that is causing this behavior.
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 12:03 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • Mental problems often won't show in a regular physical. His OCD IS a mental problem.

    Do not stay in this marriage even one more day without counseling for both of you. It's a requirement or the marriage is dead already.

    YES, you can walk. If he hit you, would you stay? If the answer to that is yes then counseling is even MORE in order because that's simply suicide and there are faster ways to commit it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:06 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • Also, mental disorders are very often co-morbid and OCD is generally present with other issues like depression or more severely, schizophrenia. If he hasn't seen a psychiatrist lately, he should see one soon to make sure he doesn't have something else going on.
    rhianna1708

    Answer by rhianna1708 at 2:13 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • "And, to be honest....I don't really feel sexy or turned on when I've been screamed at all day over every little thing."

    This is very true. Sex for women is mostly in the mind; you have to be emotionally in the mood.

    And while I agree with Nanny on principle, it's inherently unfair to place the entire burden of encouragement and self esteem boosting on you, in this case. We wouldn't allow our children to treat us this way and then "encourage" them. Why is it somehow acceptable for adults to expect it?

    Bottom line is that you know he can be a good guy sometimes but this bullying has got to stop. I'm not sure how you're going to do that but I couldn't imagine living the remainder of my adult life walking on eggshells, hoping that today is a "good" day.
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 12:35 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • And please PLEASE dont tell me just to leave. Its not possible right now. I've got 10 weeks left in this pregnancy and two other children to take care of. And, yes, stupid me, I still love the man and am waiting for the man I married to come back out...I know he's still in there.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:00 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • BrawnwynII. He went to a doctor a few months ago for a general checkup. The doc actually told him that for his age, he's in exceptional health. Now...I'm sure DH didn't mention to the doc the fact that he emotionally abuses his pregnant wife on a daily basis. But, either way, they did blood work that all came back normal. And all the rest of his physical was good. So, theres no way I'd be able to get him to go back again...especially if I tell him to do it because of the way he treats me.

    Maybe I should slip him some anti-depressants or something. (j/k)
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:12 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • Yeah, they'd need to be much more comprehensive than some blood work. He'd need an EEG, maybe an MRI, etc.

    So, IS this new behavior for him? Is he more stressed out about something that you know of?
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 12:14 PM on Apr. 30, 2012

  • BraywnwynII...its new, and old. If that makes sense. He acts like this anytime he's stressed. Thats how I know my "good" husband is in there and will come back eventually. But, we've been hurting financially for so long this time, so his stress has been getting worse and worse and I can't take anymore of his mood swings. He goes from laughing and loving to screaming over NOTHING in a matter of seconds. I dont get it and I'm losing my mind.

    NannyB. I praise him and stroke his ego ALL THE TIME. Thats an area I've always been very good at, and quite frankly, have to be with him. He basically demands it. Thats definately not the problem.

    Sex may be. Yes. I dont give it up very often anymore. I'm extremely fat, and SO not in the mood...ever. And It hurts. It hurts A LOT for some reason. Doesn't matter what position, or whatever we try. My belly hurts like the baby is going to rip through it and pop out of my side. It sucks.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:22 PM on Apr. 30, 2012