Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

I think it's up to my ex to deal this, what do you think

I have 4 children total, 2 who are teens 14 and 16 and 2 who are grown and out on their own (20 and 24). Me and my ex have recently filed for divorce, I found him cheating. He has stayed with his mistress. We have a temporary order that says that the 2 of our children who our minors have to go to his home once a week for dinner. He says they show his girlfriend no respect at all. The ignore that she is there (literally, they won't speak to her sometimes even if she speaks to them) makes references to her being a whore. My ex has a problem that our 14 year old is dating (just has a boyfriend, they are not allowed to go anywhere on there own and as they are both 14, they couldn't anyway) he told her he didn't want her dating and she said "at least I'm not married to someone else while I am dating him". There have been many instances like this one. My ex comes complaining to me about it, like he wants me to play bad cop and stick up for him and his girlfriend. I tell him that if they are in his home, it's his job to monitor his behavior. I also explained that they are angry and hurt, we were married for 26 years, their whole lives and one day I catch him cheating and he leaves me and they he has lost their respect with his behavior.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:22 AM on May. 2, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (31)
  • He's the parent. He needs to deal with his children in his home. He doesn't have any right to dictate to you how to raise the children in your home. Maybe it would be best for everyone, most especially the children, to get some counseling to help deal with this change in all your lives.

    Answer by meooma at 8:23 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • I'm sorry... but how does he expect they would act?? While it may be brutal they are being honest. HIS actions have hurt them terribly - not your actions. He needs to be a man and deal with the consequences of his actions. He needs to be the one to deal with this... it's his mess!!


    Answer by Crafty26 at 8:09 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • I understand you are angy at him and hate his new SO. But you need to teach your kids to not be mean to people they hate. I think they are old enough to decide to go over their or not them selves don't you.
    Why does she have to be their? Can't it just be dad and kids dinner. Would make life easier. Just for one night a week.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:21 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • My children have never had a problem with respecting their elders or anyone else for that matter but I have to say in this instance my ex and his girlfriend are getting what they deserve. He will have to earn back their respect that he has lost.
    They are still kids. Yes, your ex was a douche, but you aren't being your best right now. Be a parent, not a vindictive woman. Rise above what your ex did and show your kids the RIGHT way to act. You are showing them that when people (and it will come across as this) treat them poorly they have the right to act poorly themselves. I know it will be hard, but no one said being a parent is easy.

    Answer by layh41407 at 6:31 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • i think that while he needs to be the one to address the problem and that if your children are not listening to him then you also need to talk to them. would you let them behave like that a t some one elses house? you can explain to your dd that although what happened hurt all of you and may not have been the best thing it happened and unfortunately you can not change it,but it does not give her the ok to be rude.
    is he even trying to discipline her in his house? or is he just expecting you to take care of it. in that case i think he needs to try talking to her first. i don't think she will really change if he does not try to talk to her.

    Answer by MooNFaeRie30 at 6:27 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • layh, while some parents agree to a situation where the rules are the same in both homes, me and my ex do not agree. Also, since I am the one actually doing the parenting, I don't think he should have say in what goes on in my home. To be honest, it doesn't feel good sending my children over to spend time with my ex and the woman he cheated on me with but I do it because I have to. My children have never had a problem with respecting their elders or anyone else for that matter but I have to say in this instance my ex and his girlfriend are getting what they deserve. He will have to earn back their respect that he has lost.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:22 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • letting them act this way under the pretext of "well, they are not at my house, what can I do?".

    You are your kids parents 24 hours a day whether they are with you or not. Put your bitterness aside and do what is right for your kids.

    Answer by layh41407 at 6:18 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • Does it feel good to let your kids be disrespectful and you think you can say "Not my problem!" Because that is what you are doing. You are letting your kids be rude, disrespectful brats on the grounds that it is not at your house. Yes, they aren't with you at the time, but you still need to follow through. You and your ex need to come up with some common rules at both houses and then you each need to follow through on the agreed upon discipline for the kids action. Let's be honest, how well will any discipline at his house work when he only has them for 4 hours. Do you think your kids will care that they are being punish for that little amount of time? No, they won't.

    The situation sucks, but you need to teach your kids what is ok and what is not ok in this situation. You need to teach them that although they are angry they need to handle that anger in a more constructive manner. You are not doing them a service

    Answer by layh41407 at 6:17 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • He needs to do the discipline in his house. I would think that this sort of behavior is normal for what just happens, especially with kids that age. They probably feel like this woman ruined their lives by taking their dad away. You don't go asking him to discipline them for something that happened at your house.

    Answer by AF4life at 5:26 AM on May. 2, 2012

  • I am not letting my anger and bitterness make my decisions for me, I just feel like, I don't want him dictating what I do in my home so I am not going to do it in his. Also, if he can't parent the children for the 4 hours a week they are with him, maybe when we go back to court for the permanent order the judge will see this and not give him more time (he wants every other weekend and half the summer)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:03 AM on May. 2, 2012

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.