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2 Bumps

My 13 year old daughter betrayed by her BFF & Boyfriend, how do I help?

It's my first time trying this so bear with me. I have a wonderful 13 year old girl. This year she had her first "boyfriend". Texting constantly, hanging out at the lunch room table, etc. I always was concerned about the amount of attention she gave/he needed. Just a little while ago, she found out that he had been spending time with her BFF. I think I was more upset than she was that she had been betrayed by them both. Of course now she has to go to shool and see the "new couple". She tried to cut ties but he still contacts her via text or phone. It's ridiculous and I can't get her to realize this is him 'trying to have his cake and eat it too". My husband wants to block the phone number, but I keep hoping she'll go through the process as a larning experience and move on. I am trying with all my might to counsel her and not get involved, but I just want to get her past this. Any suggestions?

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Horsechickmama

Asked by Horsechickmama at 12:34 PM on May. 7, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I agree with your hubs... have the number blocked or change her number altogether.

    goofygalno1

    Answer by goofygalno1 at 12:38 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • The mom incme wants to say block his number, but the realist person is going to tell you to stay out of it. First off she's 13 why on gods green earth does she have a boyfriend? That's crazy to me. Just butt out momma, she's going to have to learn on her own. You can try to guide her in the process but this is one of those life lessons she has to experience without interference.
    Mrs_Harsh

    Answer by Mrs_Harsh at 12:39 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • As much as I want to say block the number, the truth is, he'll just find other ways to contact her. And making him forbidden will make her feel like maybe she should talk to him. Just keep doing what you're doing. She'll get over it. Remember how you feel when you were a teen. Every break up felt like the end of the world. But you got over it. And so will she.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:42 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • 1) "the boyfriend" Trust me, I was doing my best to fight that one, but believe it or not, it was the hubby who threw me under the bus on that one. He got on the internet and saw all of these parenting websites advising that at this age it is "normal" allow "dating" within the same grade. Mind you, dating is not what I think of it. It's basically texting at this point since she is not allowed out on a "date". However, at this point, with all the drama, he sees the error of his ways -lol.
    Horsechickmama

    Comment by Horsechickmama (original poster) at 1:04 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • mom 1-dad 0 lol...
    Mrs_Harsh

    Answer by Mrs_Harsh at 1:08 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • She'd just unblock the number or find another way to have him contact her. This is great experience for her for the future. Don't cheat her out of the learning experience. These painful times are what teach them coping skills. Just be supportive. Give advice but let her make these decisions so she doesn't rebel and go running back to him bc you and dad "don't understand."
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:08 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • I agree, so I have been just trying to be supportive. Letting her know that she's a wonderful girl who just learned the hard way who her friends are. I just keep reminding her that she is just 13 for goodness sake, this, along with many other friendships she'll have over her life will help filter out what she likes and doesn't like when choosing friends.
    Horsechickmama

    Comment by Horsechickmama (original poster) at 1:26 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • I agree that you might consider this a valuable learning experience for her. My son has a school only girlfriend, but we hardly ever allow him to text her, as we feel it is invasive and too distracting at this age especially. I would not forbid contact, because she will see him at other times, but I would watch closely and if she seems very upset you can tell her she is welcome to ignore him/them. You do, however, have every right to control the phone and the way it impacts your home life. If you don't want her texting, ask her to put the phone away at times. Give a little advice, but make it light and non-confrontational. At this age, it seems like the end for them, but in a short while she should be ok.
    dflygirl7

    Answer by dflygirl7 at 1:32 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • I would tell DH that he is having a talk with DD. He needs to tell her how men treat women. He need to tell her in detail about how he felt when he first me you, how nervous he was. he needs to tell her about cute things he did for you while you were dating. If he doesn't currently, he needs to bring you flowers as a surprise. he needs to set the bar really high for how a boy courts a girl. He needs to specifically say, "this is what I want for you. This is what you deserve."

    little bits of this talk need to reoccur regularly throughout her teen years and into her 20s.

    She has to decide if the boy is worthy of her attention. This should help.
    zetajen

    Answer by zetajen at 1:56 PM on May. 7, 2012

  • Just listen. I think listening well is the best thing you can do. It is normal for you to have a lot of feelings about this, I'm sure I would too, but this is really about her so it's ideal to have a place of your own to fully express your fears, worries, frustrations & wishes so that those feelings aren't in the way when you interact with your daughter. (Being heard/listened to is important for you for the same reasons.)

    My advice is do more listening than talking or telling. She may say things that are distressing to you ("all wrong"), such as her "not realizing" what you've tried to tell her about him, but keep in mind that feelings change, particularly when kids have room to process them (rather than having someone who cares very much urgently telling them what is what.) What helps that processing most is to provide a kind of "mirror," so they can hear/see themselves & their feelings reflected back. Sit on your hands! lol
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:46 PM on May. 8, 2012

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