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How would you keep the boundaries with a 13 year old son and his "girlfriend"?
He is allowed to have a girlfriend, but no dating, unless it's in a big group. We would like to postpone one on one dating until about 16. He can text some, but we are pretty strict about it not being too much, too often, and do check the phone. We set these limits out there at least a year ago. He is in all honors classes, on 2 baseball teams, in band and in jazz band, and very busy. He has an amazing mind...very intelligent. He is also not into much drama, probably because he has seen his sister get very emotional with boyfriends over the past few years and he hated the drama.
There are many girls interested in dating our son...every few days I hear about another girl who secretly likes him. I work in the local school system, and know lots of Moms in town.
The girlfriend is upset because my son is very gregarious and talkative and funny, and she said in a message that she wants him to be "normal"...whatever that is. Apparently people are making fun of her, saying they are not in a real relationship. She told him she can't talk to him, which seems to mean she cannot communicate with him on the level she would like. He really enjoys talking about science, weather, physics and tell jokes, make people laugh. I think she wants to talk with him alone a lot more, and be serious. We have to keep reminding ourselves they are 13!! Maybe we are stricter than some parents are, but they are really too young for getting too involved.
They will be going on a science class trip together with 13 people for a week.
We feel like we have to remind him of the nature of a relationship at 13 years old and enforce that we said girlfriends are not prohibited, but there are boundaries. Next year is high school. We are finding some girls to be rather pushy/aggressive at this age. And many girls this age do have a rich fantasy life. This girl reads romace novels.
I did make a point of telling him that he will never have a problem getting a date, based on what we are seeing at this point. We have talked about sex and relationships in general, and I gave him the book " The 7 Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make- for Teens".
Any other tidbits we should cover?
What do you feel are good limits at this age regarding texting, getting together outside of school?
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Asked by Anonymous at 8:03 AM on May. 19, 2012 in Teens (13-17)
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It sounds like you have done a good job. Keep reinforcing the no dating. But you need to define what you mean by dating and by boundaries. Be really clear.Found an answer to your question?
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Tyfry, my son does tell his school girlfriend that he is not allowed to date, or text very much...her response was, "I totally understand...you're her baby and she wants to protect you." LOL! I would love to hear exactly what you tell your son about your limits there...
Isn't it darn near impossible to be a little more traditional in this day and age? Although I refuse to lower/change my standards/rules, I feel like I am up against a media/society that pushes stuff on kids that they aren't near ready to handle!
Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:10 PM on May. 23, 2012
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It wouldn't be an issue because no child of mine would be having a girlfriend or boyfriend at 13. There would be no dates until he was 16. As a matter of fact, my almost 16 yr old turned down a date because of MY rules.Found an answer to your question?
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I don't think teens need to go out on "dates" until at least one of them can drive and they have their own money. It is ridiculous for a young teen to have to have his mom drive him and his date to the movies and pay for the movie with mom's money, you know? I think you are doing the right thing, they can be boyfriend and girlfriend at school or they can see each other in groups but there is just no need for them to go on dates. I always thought is was silly when some of my friend's parents would say they couldn't have boyfriends, while they can say they can't go on dates, they can't really stop them from calling something their boyfriend at school so why try?Found an answer to your question?
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Reading his texts?! My son would hate that and i know at that age so would i! Let him have some space, he sounds like a good kid adn i doubt he would, if he's anything like he sounds, do anything wrong. I think its important not to medel to much and i think he needs to figure it out alone!Found an answer to your question?
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(By the way, I don't think all possible responses are equally "positive" or "ideal," simply that even the less "desirable" ones are not inherently problems in themselves. Being insecure & feeling like you might want to change or be/act different so that someone in your peer group is satisfied with your "rightness" & pleased with you as a boyfriend isn't going to be reassuring or pleasing to a parent, but it's possible to go through this & come out all right....learning about what really matters to you, noticing whether someone was worth struggling to please & perhaps posing around, learning what's important to you & what actually is rewarding or feels good, learning about authentic relating & genuine appreciation between people....all that.)Found an answer to your question?
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I agree that overall, it sounds like you have a good relationship with him & he is in a pretty good place. You don't mention his reaction to his girlfriend's dissatisfaction or "pushing," if he seems put-off & perplexed, or if he is feeling like she is "right" & he needs to respond somehow, or please her in some way so she is happier. Or something else.
None of those possible responses is in itself a problem, in my opinion. Of course, you don't want to see him doubting himself or seeming potentially swayed by pressure from a girl to change or to "be different." But that would be a natural response, if he is emotionally invested in this girl liking him, and if "being in this relationship" is important to him as part of his identity/how he is "seen." (Basically, it's an immature, needy response. And it sounds like the girl is simply immature, and needy.) He may not be there at all, which would explain her neediness even more!
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13 is too young to date!! When children are allowed to date young, they find themselves in sexual situations that they do not have the maturity to handle. Join the CafeMom Moms of Teens group, and see what happens when you let your children date before 16 or older.Found an answer to your question?
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It sounds as though you are doing everything right. Limits and boundaries set early seem to be working well. Nice job.Found an answer to your question?
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oh believe me if they want to have sex, they will find a a way, even in group dating. When i was only allowed group dating we would walk in the movie theater and sneak right out the back door to the woods just to have sex. Also, we would all meet at my friends house to watch movies and her parents worked 3rd shifts so they would be out cold and it would be like a big sex party in the basement and no parents ever found out. Its probably safer letting them go alone on a date, they would be more likely to actually stay on the date than to sneak off away from friends and try to be alone.Found an answer to your question?
Answer by Anonymous at 9:38 AM on May. 19, 2012
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