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need someone to help me with this

i let daughter go out with older guy after meeting him now i am sorry.they are almost a year going out .he talks to her girlfriends on phone and myspace and hangsout with some without daughter including picking up and bringing back to his house.he tells her he is and she says she is fine with it.she reciently caught him in a lie. she didn't want him going to a party with his older friends so he told her her was with someone and when daughter called that person she said he wasn't with her and he fessed up. one of daughters friends also invited the boyfriend to her birthday but not my daughter and he didn't see anything wrong in wanting to go without her.If i say all this is weird she has fit and says thats why i don't tell you anything. how do i get her to see that there are guys out there that dont have to talk to her friends and possiably be "hooking up"with them have other moms had situations like this HELP!

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:45 AM on Jan. 29, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (12)
  • if i was her and my boyfriend was hanging out with my friends without me i would be pissed and both him and that friend would be GONE!

    Answer by Ginger_Sessions at 5:50 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • You are already training her to act like his mother. Back up and look at things. She is very young and has to learn for herself.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:22 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • How much older is this older guy? It sounds like she's in over her head with him. It also sounds like, instead of accepting that she's in over her head and should be seeing someone who might be more age (and maturity) appropriate for her, she's / you're trying to change him to be the bf she wants him to be.

    A better bet would be find a new bf who doesn't need to change to be the person she wants him to be. Not to mention, re-thinking a friendship with someone who is supposed to be YOUR friend, but wants your bf to come to her party but not you??

    After all, this age is supposed to be about learning what she wants in relationships, what she doesn't want, etc. Do you really want her to learn to stay in a disrespectful relationship where the guy lies to you, hides things, and sneaks to be with other girls (regardless of how innocent, if it bothers her)? Or a relationship where she can't trust him to be around other girls?

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 6:32 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • cont

    I would nip this in the bud and strongly encourage her to end the relationship. If you try to "make" her, at this point, that will backfire. But, you could ask her to make a list of what she likes and what she doesn't about him. Things like "but I love him" are NOT acceptable - WHY do you love him, what does he do that makes him lovable? Then, when it's all laid out there in black and white, where she can see for herself that, from the sounds of it anyway, his bad points outweigh his good points, then you can talk to her about why she doesn't think she deserves to be treated better?

    (btw - just because he's older, not a good reason. My ds's gf broke up with him to date an older guy. Now, he's dating a girl a yr older, and his old gf is very jealous because he treats his gf like gold - all her (current and old) gf's friends even comment on how great he treats her. Older isn't always better ;-)

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 6:36 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Sorry if I'm wrong about this but you posted in Teens (13-17) and it sounds as if you are pushing your daughter into a commited relationship with this boy. It also sounds as if your daughter isn't that commited to the realtionship with this boy either. If she doesn't have a problem with his other social activities, I don't understand why you do. At her age, she'll most likely meet another boy and the relationship with her current boyfriend will end.
    Your daughter is too young to be worried about pinning one boy down. She's learning about relationships in a healthy way by not trying to change a boy into the person she wants him to be. One day she'll meet another boy that's more suited to the type of person that's best for her. As long as she is not involved in an abusive relationship - let her be.

    Answer by PrttyMstng at 6:48 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • When I was 17 I had been sneaking around and dating a 28 year-old. After 5 months he asked me to marry him. I needed a parent to sign for the marriage liscense so I went to my mother and talked to her. I said "Mom, I am sorry you got married young and it didn't work out, but I need to learn from my own mistakes, I can't learn from yours."

    Meanwhile, 17 years later I am still married to that man.

    The moral of the story she has to be free to make her own mistakes, just be there to catch her when she falls. (Unless of course she is under 15, then lock her in her room lol.)

    Answer by mrssullivan at 6:57 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • They need to break up,thats just not acceptible,just let her go at her own pace,and tell her if hes doing this stuff,its not acceptible shes bound to get hurt

    Answer by Niddyann1121 at 7:48 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • The key thing in your post that I see is that you started it by saying " I let". Yes you did let her go out with him, and now, guess what, you don't have to. Don't get caught up in the details, you have determined he is not good for her at all, and you aren't just paranoid, so stop letting her. I don't know how old she is, but I would assume she still has to ask can I do this or that. If she does, say no. You are afraid to do that maybe because she won't like it? Well maybe that is what she is doing to. Being afraid to stick up for what she knows is right. She is learning that from you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Wait a minute so now guys cannot be FRIENDS with girls? My son and his friends hangout and "group date" but if a girl wants to go and her BF cannot then she will go with one of the other guys and vica versa! They are TEENAGERS they are dating NOT married!

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:01 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • let her make her own mistakes, just be there for her once she sees that your right. she sounds really in love & one day she'll open her eyes & see.just try not to let them "hook up" until he straightens up & gets tested.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:35 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

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