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Are there any birthmothers who didn't want to be found but...

My children's birth mother loved them very much. They lived with me from birth, but had supervised visits with their mom until they were about 3 weeks old. (The state was pursuing TPR, she signed voluntarily.) I offered through the sw to have an open adoption, but the mother declined. I offered everything from visits to pictures, asked if she wanted to write them a letter to have when they are older, but she said (to the sw) "Tell her no, they are a family now. I want them to be normal." She didn't want to meet me at all, but I did see her once as she walked into court, so at least I can describe her to the kids.

I intend to raise my children with a love and respect for their birthmom. They might want to meet her someday, but then I would have a problem because she made it very clear that her involvement was over because she wanted us to just live as a "normal family." (cont'd below)


Asked by MommyAddie at 6:27 AM on Jan. 29, 2009 in Adoption

Level 4 (40 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • There are birth mothers out there that dont want to be found. But, I still think you should give them all the information you have. And I totally agree with you that she should be the one to say yea or nay.

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:49 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Do you think I should give my kids the tools to find her when the time comes and hope for the best or should I believe that her original intentions still stand and that she would prefer not to meet them? I don't want to make the decision for her, but I don't want any of them (my two kids or her) to miss out on each other. She would have no way of getting ahold of me to tell me she changed her mind and wanted contact, she doesn't even know my name. I on the other hand know her name, b-day, address, etc... What would you do? Are there any birthmoms who would hate to be found? Would you be mad if the adoptive mom made the decision? Sometimes I think it would just be best if the girls' heard yea or nay from her own mouth.

    BTW: The birth mother and father have an older child together adopted into another family that we keep in contact with, and they have a younger child that they parent.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 6:36 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I would not discourage them from trying to find the bio mom (in the years to come she may change her mind) when they are older or you could come across as jealous and push them away. I would give them my blessings and add a footnote that the bio parents may not want to be found, but YOU would always love them as much as any parent could love a child.

    Answer by mrssullivan at 6:51 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • the mother's mind may change when she's older so i would certainly keep your options open. you never know how either person will feel as the grow about the situation.

    Answer by juliness at 7:46 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • As a birthmother myself, I have to say you are doing the right thing. I am on both sides of it, I was adopted at 7 days old and then when I as 21 I put a baby up for adoption. Now when turned 18 I didn't want to find my birthmom afraid that she didn't want to know me I know her name, age, where she lives and other things about her. I guess it just takes the will to finally meet her, I jsut haven't taken that step yet. Now if my son that I put up for adoption wants to meet me when he turns 18 that is totally up to him. I have kept in contact with the adoptive parents and they know how to get ahold of me. There are so mixed feelings when it comes meeting the birth parents but keep in mind that when your girls are old enough its their choice and all you can do is support them in finding her. They know who their parents are and will always love you for everything you have done.

    Answer by HardyFan at 8:21 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Im adopted and I know my birth family. They are on the other side of the world. My adopted parents are saints. For my college graduation present, they took all of us including my two biological brother and sister that were also adopted by them and their son to visit my homeland for the first time in 15 years!!!!!!!! It was crazy!! They loved it. They send money to my family once a year!

    YOu are doing the right thing!! Your kids may or may not want to meet their birthmom. Dont push them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:17 AM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • If they want to find her, I wouldn't purposely keep them from trying to. When they're adults, that is an adult decision that they can make for themselves. She may feel differently about meeting them or getting a letter from them when they're older or adults. My bmom wanted a closed adoption. I never knew her and still don't. I decided I might want to contact her and contacted my adoption agency. She updated her contact info with them when I turned 18. I was 22 when I started looking for her and by then, that contact info was no good. I felt like she had been waiting for me to find her once I became an adult and wondered if I hurt her feeling because I didn't. It still really bothers me to this day. I am considering hiring a PI to find her but I'm not sure. If your kids want to meet her, do not stop them. She can always delcine if she still doesn't want contact with them.


    Answer by NovemberLove at 4:21 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Also, as long as you keep your contact information up to date with the agency you adopted through the birth mother can ask them to contact you for her if she ever wants.

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:52 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • We didn't use an agency, it was a foster care adoption. She was given no info on us.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 8:24 AM on Jan. 30, 2009