How to get along with the birth mom?

(I'm going to try and come across as nice as possible, but at times I don't know what else to say)

I've been my step daughter's "MOM" since she was 2, she's now 7. We (DH and I) told her that I was NOT her mom and to call me by my first name. But after about a year of this, we figured that if that's what she wished to call me, then that was just fine. Although it has taken me a couple years to actually realize what it takes to be a "mom" = ) I now have a 6 month old baby girl, so it has all come quite clear in the past 5 years on what it's like to be a mommy. Anyway, her BM's barely in the picture. After she found out that our daughter was calling me "MOM", she was furious and ever since she has tried to portray herself as HER mother, although she has come to terms with me being the full time "mom". I'm having a hard time trying to understand how I should respond to certain things that BM does and says. BM's border line Bi-polar, but won't deal with it. So it's really hard to handle at times. It's like she will say one thing to our daughter to make her happy and believe what she wants her to believe or try and make herself come out looking like a saint. But then come to us and say the complete opposite. It's so hard because now that my daughter's 7, she's coming to me with all these emotional feelings that I just cant' believe I'm hearing (from a 7 year old~she's a very smart girl by the way) It's so sad to me already, to know that she's had to deal with this but now I'm having a hard time knowing what to say or do (I cant' imagine how hard it is for our daughter). Our daughter has said that she doesn't know her birth mom and it's hard for her to ask her questions or even say things to her, simple things, like how she feels or even things like what she likes (I'm thinking, BM doesn't really know how to connect with our daughter?) BM is very hyper and very influential to everyone, so I can understand why our daughter feels like it's hard to come across with saying anything. Although I know that our daughter has fun with her (she's told me this and we always ask her how it goes when she's with her and things like that) BM only sees her once a month, if that maybe. This is the MOST she's ever seen her, so it feels to me and DH that it's almost doing more bad than good? Which there's usually a ridiculous situation that occurs and our daughter doesn't feel comfortable at times and she will call to come home. It's life I know but at the same time it's like I want to explode on the BM, but I try to relax and when I get our daughter home, it's like a huge relief and we know that she's ok. But how I see it is, that every child NEEDS their parents.....and eventually our daughter will decide what she really wants to do. As long as she feels comfortable when she's with BM, then that's all that matters. So I guess what I'm really looking for, is am I doing what's right here? What am I missing? Any advice (good or bad) will help me. Thanks for listening to my rant....lol...much love to everyone who reads this : ) Parenting is hard at times, but Step-parenting is waaaaaay harder. Especially when you REALLY care for your child and you want whats best for them!

Oh and by the way, DH has full custody and he has since our daughter was 1. He has complete say on what and when BM comes to see our daughter but he has always been open to allow her to see her, as long as our daughter is ok. But at times it's hard to draw that line since there's always drama. We always remind ourselves that our daughter will let us know. So I really hope we are doing what's best and most of the time I feel we are, but there's always that ? in the back of my mind and now, especially, with these feelings that our daughter's come out and told me. Ok, I'll be quiet now, I could go on and on and on. Thanks again!!!

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