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Someone help me understand!

What does an abused wife say to herself that justifies his behavior? Does she become desensitized to the abuse? Why does she make excuses for him? Why does she overexaggerate the progress he DOES make? When is enough...enough? Why doesnt she see what I see? I know these are hard questions, but I truly don't understand and I want to because I don't want to be frustrated with her. This is my best friend I am talking about and when I texted her this morning, her husband had went on a druken rampage because he was angry and tore up everything in their room and kept their kids up all night with his yelling and tantrums. I met with her for about an hour to talk. She noticed that their gun had been moved and when she confronted him about it, he acted like she was the crazy one for thinking that. I told her to look around the room and see the destruction and tell him THAT is why shes afraid. Someone explain this to me.


Asked by momofsaee at 3:27 PM on Jan. 29, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (56 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • She can only help herself. As for why they put up with it...well, it depends on the person. Some grew up that way and don't know a good man from a bad one. And once you've been in a situation for so long, you "get used to it" and it can be scary to go out into the world and do something new and on your own (because the abuser makes you dependant on them). And emotional abuse always goes along with physical abuse, so in a sense, you start believing what you are hearing all the time. So you start to think you deserve it. And if he only acts that way under the influence, then that makes it easier for her to "forgive" his behavior because he "wasn't himself" when he was doing it. And the classic abuser always says he sorry and crys and says how much you mean to him and he can't make it without you...women have a natural need to "mother" and "fix" people, so you feel like you can change him. Good luck to your friend...

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 3:36 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • CONT. I don't know what to say to make her see hes nuts and needs help. I am truly afraid for her. I don't want to get a phone call and someone tell me he killed her or himself or worse...both. I can't make her leave and I can only listen, but I truly don't understand.

    Answer by momofsaee at 3:31 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • It's fear. She is controlled by fear. She'd too scared to do anything, & she has been beat down so low that she has no self worth to pick herself up & do something about it. It's a horrible cycle. The only thing that helps is if she has a secret place to stay.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:31 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • An abused woman usually thinks she deserves whatever abuse is dished out to her, I speak from experience, and sadly, until she realizes that she deserves better she's just going to keep taking it...hell, it took my ex trying to kill me to make me realize that I deserved better, and now I have a healthy relationship with someone who wouldn't hurt me for the world, healing is possible, but she has to heal herself, all you can really do is be there for her and try to offer what you can, which right now may only be a place to stay when she figures out that he's dangerous.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:34 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • So you talk to her but does she listen? If she is that far gone with the situation and she is afraid 4 her life and her kids the best thing you could do for her is to give her a choice. Tell her that you will take her to a safe place when he is gone or if you think the situation is that bad to where he is pulling out his gun you need to turn him in.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I was abused in an SO relationship.
    And here's what you think.
    I wanted to help him, I wanted the old SO back and I figured that if I let him go around like that, he would feel better. That he would feel better about himself. I let him abuse me, and treat me like crap. The only thing that saved me was my Dad found out, came to my house, packed up my stuff and sent me to my grandmother's..883 miles away. I was to close all ties with him. And if it wasn't for my Dad..I would honestly be dead. Pack your friend up while the husband is at work, pack her kids up. one suit case each of what they cherish the most and GET THEM THE HELL OUT!!!!!!
    If there's a gun in that have mabye a couple months before he doecides to use it. I'd hate to be watching the news and see the story of an abusive husband killing his wife and children. I'm not saying this to scare you but I would be seriously worried. She is NOT going to get out

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:38 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • Cont..
    On her OWN. You NEED to pack her up YOURSELF. WE live in fear.. not rationality.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • It could be that she is too scared or it could be she loves him so much she is blinded

    Answer by scaredmommy08 at 3:52 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • If she refuses to see reason, you need to report her to CPS. Having the children in a house with an abuser is abuse. Having those kids up all night being terrorized is abuse. If he is an abuser and there is a gun in the house, one of these days he is going to kill them all. If she is not willing to protect her kids, someone has to.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 3:55 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • An abuse victim does not truly love her abuser. She fears him. You cannot love someone that you cannot respect.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 3:55 PM on Jan. 29, 2009