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2 Bumps

Want better for kids,BM not doing a good job

My Husband and I are really upset with the way his children(two girls) are being raised by their BM.

She lives in this weird duplex thing where they live on the upper level of this house and there's another apartment on the lower lever. Anyway its a pretty small two bedroom. The older child(12) has her own bedroom and BM shares with the other child (8) but doesn't actually sleep in the room,she sleeps on the couch! The house is so dirty and messy!! and stinks of cat litter! BM doesn't care to be a very clean tidy person and so the children are following this example.

BF and I are really clean and keep our house almost perfect at all times. We have a nice 3 bedroom house that the kids love to come to with beds and space for all. I have a daughter of my own and we have two kids together. The kids all love each other to death and get along well. (we also have two dogs LOL)

The kids complain that they don't like their house and that BM is mean,tired,crappy and smokes all the time. Doesn't ever want to do anything and basically ponds them off on the weekend with Grandparents or to go play(roam the town) with their friends. They also complain that BM wakes them up 20 mins before they have to be to the bus and she just yells all morning for them to hurry up and she cant drive them to school.

BF picked them up Friday from school and said that they looked like homeless kids. Hairs not combed or clean, holes in clothes and funky clothes.

Here's the other problem. Tonight BF asked them to clean up some stuff and the kids started throwing a fit and saying that they feel like we are always telling them to clean and they feel like we are always telling them they are bad cause they can't clean and we are saying bad stuff about BM and all the stuff she does. (we don't , we just listen to what they tell us and agree that its bad)

I don't want them to feel like this at all but there seems to be a fine line here between Respect,responsibility,cleaning up after yourself, helping out and just plain old Lazy rotten brats that don't ever have to lift a finger with BM. ALL they do is watch tv ALL day,NO JOKE.

What do we do??? She wont switch roles with us,even though she know's she probably should and she says "when the judge say's so" We don't want to go through that long draining battles in court and I don't think the kids would appreciated it either. But of course that's what she wants to happen, she wants the kids to hates us and make it look like we are hurting her and she had no other choice but to have the kids less.

I like to think the we are clearly the better choice. I'm not claiming to be perfect but we come across way better as a family and just in every way in general. Plus they have a brother and a sister with us that they love so much.

Any Suggestions please would help so much. This is so difficult and I don't know if we just have to accept the fact that the girls will be raised in such inadequate environment.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:05 AM on Jun. 3, 2012 in General Parenting

Answers (37)
  • You're the girlfriend, you don't really have a say in anything.... The childrens Father is going to have to take care of things, because they are his children, not yours. I agree they shouldn't have to live in those conditions, but honestly, there are children in much worse situations, and they come out of it fine. When the girls complain you should tell them to talk to their Father, that there's nothing you can do, and you're sorry, he will have to. If it means court, then that's what he has to do, but you should also know, that to deem her unfit, she's going to have to be much worse than just a bad housekeeper, and live in a duplex. Talk to your Husband, tell him your concerns, and then leave it up to him to take care of it... Or not.

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 1:12 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Have you seen all of this for yourself? Or is it based on information the children are bringing you? I ask because you say that they complain, yet they are hesitant to move in with you.

    Ultimately, it is up to your BF to deal with his ex wife.

    You say your house is always almost perfect. How do you manage that with two children? Is it possible that your expectations are a bit too high for them? It's definitely necessary for them to follow rules and clean up after themselves, but is that what they would be spending the majority of their time there doing?

    As for the birth mother sleeping on the couch, I think that's appropriate. She's given up her room to her second child. And as far as the cat box and the alarm clock, both those children are WAY old enough to be cleaning and getting themselves up for school. If they don't like the house messy, or being late, they need to step it up

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 1:12 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Oops, Boyfriend, not Husband...

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 1:18 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • you have confused me let me show you where:

    My Husband and I are really upset.................then................BF and I are ( so husband or boyfriend????)

    and II agree with brawn


    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 1:20 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Yeah you threw me off when you said she sleeps on the couch. Sounds like something a GOOD mom would do. I agree with everyone else,

    Answer by Hollyhock. at 1:29 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Yes I have seen it all for myself! The house is disgusting and I have seen BM yell as has everyone that knows her.

    How is sleeping on a couch appropriate? What is that showing them? I understand the older one might want her own space but don't you think visually it would be better for the kids to share a room. As far as the cleaning I agree they are def old enough but the problem lies with leading by EXAMPLE.

    The kids are on track to become Lazy, filthy Raging yellers who smoke and watch tv all day.

    WE, bf and I don't want that to happen. Are we wrong to think that this will automatically happen? How can we help them? or can we?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:37 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • OH oops! I thought BF was Biological father LOL!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:38 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Of course you're wrong to think it will automatically happen. When they're with you, you lead by example.

    Does the birth mother have enough funds to support the children adequately? Is she overwhelmed? Is she depressed?

    You say the duplex is very small? How is squeezing two kids into a tiny room beneficial for anyone? And the bottom line is that that, at least, is none of your business.


    Answer by BrawnwynII at 1:41 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • She is not sleeping on the couch for the child, TRUST ME! They used to share a room before when they lived in a house but she always just slept on the couch because her dad always did!! Leading by EXAMPLE

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:41 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

  • Well, bottom line then is that unless the birth mother wishes to relinquish custody to you guys you're just going to have to do the best you can to lead them when they are with you. At the very least, they will be learning the other side of the coin.

    In a perfect world, your husband would be working closely with her to rectify the situation. What has he done to take control?

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 1:44 AM on Jun. 3, 2012

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