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Has anyone ever considered this?

My DH and I have very good friends, the Osmans, and they are unable to bear their own due to an attachment disorder with her uterus. Last October, a baby girl was placed in their home, and 6 days later, the mother had changed her mind and wanted her back. The baby was returned to the mother. Although I have an idea about how hard it would be for the Bmom, but I also see the hurt that it has caused our dear friends.

My DH and I have been talking about having one more of our own a couple years from now, our first, Weston, is due in April. We were hesitant about how to approach inviting them to our shower because we know they could be upset.

Has anyone performed a surrogacy? How could I go about proposing the idea to them? I'm more than willing to carry their baby. Is it rude to make the suggestion?


Asked by matobe at 10:51 PM on Jan. 29, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (13)
  • cont..Tell her you understand this may be too much right now and if she cannot then you are not hurt by her not attending the party. It really is that simple. I personally wouldn't offer surrogacy - and many of my friends who had similar experiences to me also had this offered to them. They equally felt odd about it. Believe it or not - time does help. So does getting another phone call and putting yourself out there. But we learn. We learn that things happen, things change, and nothing is concrete until it is. In other words we learn how to protect ourselves. So just listen, be kind, and if she should ever bring up surrogacy and you know you can - then offer.


    Answer by frogdawg at 8:15 AM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I don't think it would be rude as long as it was done in a.. good manner. If it comes up. I would love to be a surrogate mother for someone who cant have their own children.

    Answer by krazyash023 at 10:54 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • My brother and SIL have recently found out they may not be able to conceive... SIL has issues with her uterus... one of her sisters offered to do the implantation thing where they use SIL's egg & brother's sperm and just carry the baby for them.
    After much talking with hubby, I also made an offer to my brother & SIL that if they can't conceive & don't have the $ it costs to do the other methods, that I would get pregnant and give them the baby. I don't want to carry my brother's biological baby... that just weirds me out LOL
    At first I was worried about what their reaction would be but they were truly touched that I would offer that.

    NO it's not rude to offer! Just ask them if they've thought of surrogacy as an option... and make your offer.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:56 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I think surrogacy is a beautiful thing. And Im sure it would mean a lot more to them to have such a close friend carry their child for them. I would go with the straight forward method of proposing the idea. Just say something along the lines of, "My husband and I were talking, and we know how much you would love to have a baby. We were wondering if you would accept us as surrogates." Let them know that this is something that you really want to do for them. And no I dont see it as rude at all. If I were in that situation I would be thrilled by the suggestion. Good luck to you on your pregnancy and good luck with surrogacy if it happens! Best wishes!

    Answer by tiffers32788 at 10:57 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I would definitely do a lot of research before offering, I've heard there is a lot to go through to be a surrogate... My husband & I have a 4 year old son, but unable to have more, we've looked into surrogacy, but we have decided to with adopting and we are hoping to start soon.

    Answer by Christian-Mom79 at 10:59 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • i think its a wonderful thing! ive already decided that when Im done having kids I will definitely be a surrogate mom. I would say casually bring the subject up about kids and if they ever considered surrogacy, and then mention your interests! this could creat the most magnificent bond between you guys! it would be amazing!

    Answer by Amanduhpanda at 11:03 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • This definitely helps... Ted is somewhat timid... he's pretty shy, and I'm not sure how he would react. Lu is a different story, she was so happy when the baby finally came, she was ecstatic! But then to have her taken away... how long should I wait? I know this is a deep wound for them... I couldn't give them a child of my own, but to carry one of theirs would be a totally different story. Who would be responsible for the medical bills? My DH and I have great insurance, but there are still deductibles to be met, and I'm not sure we could necessarily afford to "give" the whole amount... would having the baby for them be gift enough, or should I expect to pay for it? That would determine the timing and saving...

    Answer by matobe at 11:04 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I wouldn't think they would be the least bit offended, probably overjoyed. But before you get into this to far offer and if they say yes get some conseling first, cause you will need it after 9 months of bonding with there baby, it would be hard to go home without the little one. So just be sure if you offer that first you would like to get counseling to make sure you are for 110% sure it is something you could emotionally do.

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 11:06 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • what if they say no? what if they're planning to try to adopt again first? i'm not sure if it would be weird... if they said no, then changed their minds and didn't know if the offer still stood?

    Answer by matobe at 11:17 PM on Jan. 29, 2009

  • I do not at all believe it would be rude to suggest it. Maybe start by asking if they had ever considered it and go from there.

    My advice to you is to know for sure that you are 100% willing to go through with this before you breathe a word of it to your friends. I almost ended a very good friendship because my friend had all the good intentions, but when it came right down to it, she had reasons why it wasn't a good idea for her to do. It would have been nice if she would have thought about those reasons before ever saying anything to me.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:51 PM on Jan. 29, 2009