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What is going on with him?!

My 11 yr old is...I don't even know the word for it. Well, I know what I'd call it in an adult, but he's my son and I don't want to use that word to describe my son. Lately, he's bossing his little brother around constantly, and not just a "I want to play this" but I'll ask "Will one of you go do X?" and he'll immediately say "You do it" to his brother. He's always telling him to go away and saying hurtful things that make him cry.

Tonight, I'm in my bedroom which is right next to theirs, and I hear what sounds like "ouch" so I go in there. He tells me his little brother is sucking his thumb. So I ask my youngest, who is 8, why he is sucking his thumb, and he says it's because his brother hit him. He's crying his little eyes out, and my 11 yr old is trying to say he didn't hit him.

If he's not hitting him, bossing him, or saying mean things to him, he's tattling on him and trying to get him in trouble - but only after he's been doing whatever it is right along with his little brother!

I just don't understand it. He used to be a sweet kid, used to defend his brother, play with him. He was a little bossy and sometimes mean, but not outside the norm for siblings. Lately, though...he's just like a bully and I don't get it.

Any suggestions why he's doing this? Or how to stop it?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:34 PM on Jun. 4, 2012 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (4)
  • Well, he IS a bully.

    This is really important to handle now, and correctly. You need to reinforce compassionate behavior, limit his exposure to violence and, if necessary, get some help with learning how to deal with the problem.

    I would also significantly limit the interaction he has with his youngest brother. He's tormenting him and you have to protect him from that
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 10:39 PM on Jun. 4, 2012

    Credits: 107325 Level 39 1 star Tweens (9-12) 101
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  • Time for separate bedrooms.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 3:44 AM on Jun. 5, 2012

    Credits: 69402 Level 34 1 star Tweens (9-12) 101
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  • It does make sense to start from the internal premise that there's a cause for the behavior. Whether or not it's outright bullying at school, you can be sure he's "acting out" feelings of frustration, resentment, fear & powerlessness inside (from whatever source.) You don't have to know the cause in order to respond with insight if you proceed from the understanding that his behavior results from feeling off-track & is a HELP! signal.
    It's important to intercede so that you're protecting both sons. Setting a limit that keeps his brother safe keeps both of them safe--from being hurt & from inflicting hurt. (There's emotional pain & regret from that, & your son will defend himself even more against his vulnerability--"I don't care"--if he's not protected from inflicting pain on someone else.) I recommend setting a protective, not punitive, limit.
    Rethink the "Will one of you go get....?" wording, which sets them up for problems.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:01 AM on Jun. 5, 2012

    Credits: 16242 Level 23 1 star Tweens (9-12) 101
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  • It's time to separate them. The oldest one is an adolescent now and testosterone may be waking up. It can make boys aggressive. Don't give him a target with the little one. It won't get better until he's about 17 so hang on for a bumpy ride.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:53 AM on Jun. 5, 2012

    Credits: 48583 Level 31 1 star Tweens (9-12) 101
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