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How to ease his first heartache

My 18 year old son has been "going out" with the same girl since 8th grade. Although I admit I was a little jealous af first, after all this time I see how well they match and I was accepting the fact that someday she would probably be my daughter in law. They are both intellectual, and each other's equal in school. They plan to attend the same college three hours away. Tonight my son told me that she feels like her whole life has been planned out and she thinks she'd like to "live a litte". He says nothing will change for him...he will wait on her to come back. He says that he's told her he just wants her to be happy.



My son is a sweetheart but I see the fear of losing her...his world has revolved around her. I remember what this devastation was like...but at 18, he can't see past a the life he planned with her. How should I talk to him to make him know it will eventually be okay?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:26 AM on Jan. 30, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (8)
  • I told my grandson to pretend she's just off at college (or band camp or whatever) and she'll be back to finish those plans. That keeps some of the stress down enough for time to heal some wound and after a while he'll accept she might really be gone. I think all young ppl should take time apart and guarantee themselves that it's the real thing and see what live has to offer. My grandson was suicidal over his gf leaving. I told him that his dad (my son) was hot and that babes were all over him (not true but I was desperate) and for him to date other women while his gf was gone and keep the "hot guy" reputation going in the family. It worked. He moved on to other women and his gf is still out finding herself. If she comes back then it's meant to be . If not, it wasn't. You can't fight fate. She just wants to experience life not necessarily leave him.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:28 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I think it's horrible that she's doing this. Our culture places so little value on marriage and family that she feels that if she gets married before 'partying it up' she's going to miss out on something. When in reality, all she's doing is creating LOADS of baggage to bring into their relationship.
    MamaCatCat

    Answer by MamaCatCat at 1:42 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Just because she wants to "live a little" doesn't mean she wants to party and sleep around!!!! Gosh, give the girl some credit--better now than after she is married. I would encourage the son to see that there is more to him than her. That until he is happy being with himself, he really isn't ready to be a couple with another person. NO other person can make us truly happy and if we "learn" to depend on another for that, we are setting ourselves up for a lot of pain. Such dependence does lead to suicidal thoughts---I would encourage him to explore a little on his own--try some new activities etc. Encouraging him " to wait and see" is to encourage him to waste his life waiting for another to make him happy---though it may be just months---he still has a life to live for himself.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:03 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • And whatever you do please don't tell him he can find another girl!!!!!! I think that is the stupidest thing to tell a person in such a situation!!! He is hurting but encourage him to develop his own life. If she just wants to know what it is like to make her own decisions, more power to her. I don't think it means she wants to "party"! It sounds like she is maturing and wants to spread her wings a bit and know what it is like to be an adult. Better she does it now. But it hurts to see your son hurt!!! I know!! Just encourage him to hang in there and take some baby steps towards being himself and getting to know that person.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:08 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • MamaCatCat, why is it so horrible? So the girl decided that she might want something else instead of jumping into marriage? At least she was honest about what she wanted. I'm sorry for your son, but eventually he will move on. Its always traumatic when a first love ends, but you take the experience and you learn from it.
    mambearwhitt4

    Answer by mambearwhitt4 at 1:39 PM on Feb. 3, 2009

  • I don't miss those days. I know losing a relationship with someone you love is very difficult. It always seems like the end of the world. I think the best thing to do is just let him know that you are there for him and will be there if he needs anything or wants to talk. Maybe encourage him to spend more time doing things he enjoys. Invite his friends over for a night in to do whatever, or over to have some pizza with him and then send them out to do whatever it is he and his friends do. I think it is helpful to explore who you are as an individual without that other person. He does not have to see this as the end. I also don't think it is healthy to just lock himself up and put his life on hold for her either. It may really be the end. None of us know.
    TeaAndrews

    Answer by TeaAndrews at 9:18 PM on Feb. 3, 2009

  • I would tell him that if she is not the girl for him, then now is the time to find that out. There's nothing you can do to ease his pain, but you can encourage him by telling him repeatedly that if she does not want him, then he does not need her. There is a good possibility that she may see that he really is who she wants, but she needs the time and space to decide that for herself. Tell him he is young and there is really no hurry to know right now. Married life is much easier after you have school behind you and have a job. It also makes it easier to concentrate on one's studies. Just think practical, Mom, and share all the practicals with him. It won't ease his pain, but it will give him hope.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:36 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • how are youhay it's hard to know what to do when thay hurt you do too some times time is whats needed  try to keep him busy, make shure he not thanking of harming his salf

    tearsao5jboys

    Answer by tearsao5jboys at 6:55 PM on Feb. 8, 2009

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