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child was adopted by a family member

in my family there is a child who was adopted at 3 days old by someone else in my family and the child is now 14yrs old. When is the right time to tell thats child she is adopted and why she was adopted? The biomom want the child to know but can't say anything.


Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 PM on Jan. 30, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (11)
  • I believe that the child should have been told along time ago, the words adoption should be something that she has heard before. I would not wait any longer to tell the child her birth story.
    My daughter is 4, she does not understand it, but she knows the words adoption, and knows the names of her birthfamily. I feel the longer the wait, the harder it will be.

    Answer by Dannee at 12:43 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I agree with Dannee in that the child should have been told from the get-go.

    However, although I'm tempted to also agree that no more time should pass, I can't help but to wonder if telling a 14 year old that she is adopted is the best thing. She's already going through so much just emotionally dealing with being a teenager and going through all the bodily changes that maybe adding something this HUGE into her life right now may not be the best choice, but maybe wait until she is better able to emotionally handle it...?

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:11 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • 15, 16, 17, 18 is just as hard as 14...
    Don't wait to tell her, she has ever right to know..

    Answer by Dannee at 1:17 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • Yes, telling her now at 14 could be a complete and total shock - wouldn't it be to you? However, waiting will not make this easier or better for her. The longer it was kept a secret the greater the chance that she will interpret that the fact that she is adopted as a shameful thing. Expect that she will need time and possibly counseling to deal with this. It may feel to her that everything she has taken for granted has been a lie, and she may be angry with those around her including her adoptive and biological family. I wish you the very best - you and your entire family.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:20 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • That is just wrong. They should have told her long ago. Now they have made it a big secret which will explode in their faces no matter what. How stable and happy is this kid right now not knowing? 14 is like the worst age. 10 would have been better. 2-3 would have been ideal. If they wait until 18-19 she will go off to college and never come home. I think they have to start by discussing adoption in general and gage her reaction. Maybe a few discussions about teen pregnancy or whatever the circumstances where. There are lots of afterschool specials out there. The discussion needs to be opened up slowly.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • This girl should have known since before she even knew what adoption was. How unfair to this girl. How unfair to her birth mother who cannot even tell her who she is. Why did the a-parents not tell her soon enough? Were they misinformed by friends and family?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:01 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • if you r not the Aparent i dont think u have anyright to say anything. that is the Aparents place.

    Answer by mamaof2boys148 at 8:48 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • OMG This child should have already none the truth from day one. Why is that some parents who adopt keep this such a secret? I have 2 kids of my own and I have one who I have adopted also that was in the family. And she knows that she is adopted. She knows that I love her and she knows who her real mom is.

    Answer by breezy2005 at 9:33 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I agree with many here that it would have been better to tell the truth long ago. My four year old doesn't quite understand, but she knows who her birthmother is and that she grew in her tummy. We have a new baby boy who came to join our family last fall, and my daughter asked, "who is M's birthmother?"

    I'm glad my kids won't ever have a certain day that they remember the shock of learning that they were adopted. They will also not have to grieve over not knowing their birthfamilies. They will probably deal with grief over losing the opportunity to be raised in their birthfamilies, but we will (all) help them through that. Both of my kids' birthmothers had(have) addiction issues, and they decided that an adoption plan was best.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 12:59 AM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • Iamgr8teful - good for you for understanding that! You're children are luckier than most adoptees. I applaud you.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:40 AM on Jan. 31, 2009