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How do you handle flat-out disobedience and disrespect?

(Including lying)

At my wit's end. DS's excuse always is "I didn't do it on purpose."

Also, what to do if DH isn't (and doesn't seem to want to be) "on board."

Oh yeah, and DS DOES get punished, but nothing seems to get through.



Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:31 AM on Jun. 13, 2012 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (8)
  • Step #1 get husb on board- you have to present the united front w/ this kid or he will divide & conquer! Step #2 be consistent w/ consequences for good & bad behavior. (ie: If you do what's expected of you- you get to do ___, however, if you break rule #, then your punishment is ______)


    Answer by mrsmom110 at 11:36 AM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • I have younger children and we have gone to using physical forms of punishment. Not spanking. I mean making them use their weak muscles to hold themselves in an invisible chair. This one drives home my point (I only have to use it about once a week). Mine are between 4 and 6, so they have to hold the position for 1-3 min depending on the infraction. We have also made them hold books straight out. for the same amount of time. Again depending on the infraction. Our last resort (we haven't done it yet) will be to make them hold a push up position. My SO has come up with these as he attended a military school as a child and this what they used on them. He has a few more tricks up his sleeve, but they need to be teenagers before he will even think about implementing. You just have to get creative with discipline. We may resort to taking everything from their rooms at some point and they have to earn it ALL back.

    Answer by coala at 11:38 AM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • My son is 8.5 and we're having a very similar problem. He'll screw up and blame everyone under the sun for "making" him do it. Things we do:

    1) Stand in the corner, with his nose in the corner
    2) Stand facing a wall with his knees and nose touching the wall
    3) Take away his books (he LOVES to read)
    4) Cut him off in the middle of a word as soon as he starts getting attitude, mouthing off, or blaming someone else for his actions
    5) Emphasize choices and consequences (You CHOSE to let so-and-so get you angry, CONSEQUENCE is ____)

    Things I'm considering trying (stealing from another mom here, forget who though):
    1) Invisible furniture as a punishment. i.e. make him squat like he's sitting on a chair/stool
    2) Make him hold a book out in front of him at arm's length (I have a whole set of World Book encyclopedias)
    3) However else I can get creative to make muscles hurt to try and drive home the lesson(s).

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:41 AM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • LOL ^^coala....THAT'S who I'm stealing them from.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:42 AM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • My older boys got extra chores and not easy ones either.

    Answer by layh41407 at 11:45 AM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • Loss of privileges. If they can't show respect and responsibility, they don't get fun stuff. Minor stuff, we take away one privilege. Over the top behavior or continuing to act up when some privileges have already been taken away, loss of all privileges. Privileges removed can be desserts/sugary treats, computer/tv time, favorite toys or activities, or being allowed to go places.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:45 PM on Jun. 13, 2012

  • Immediate response is a loss of privilege for the action or initial behavior. When the excuses start, quite frankly, I cut them off with a "I do not want to discuss this now. We will discuss it later."

    When the tension has abated, however, we do talk. I am trying hard (and not always succeeding) to remember that my (almost) 10 year's response is amped up by his bubbling little hormones as tween-dom kicks into high gear for him. I also try to remember that his personality lends itself to this knee jerk. He's a perfectionist and he's also a very concrete thinker. He has a hard time accepting he's in the wrong. When he's ready to talk without the high emotions of having just gotten in trouble we cover a few important facts:

    1. It does always not matter if you did something on purpose or not. e.g. You did not mean to break the lamp. You did mean to toss the bowl up and down in your hands and you've been told not to do so...

    Answer by ldmrmom at 12:57 PM on Jun. 14, 2012

  • Ball not bowl. Anyway, You may not mean the outcome but that does not mean that the action itself was a good idea or that you're not responsible for the results.

    2. YOU are the only person responsible or YOUR actions and reactions. Sometimes DS would come home in a foul mood and be a royal pain in the rear. When called on his behavior he'd say "I had a bad day. X was calling me names on the playground and then he did..." and I say " I understand why that upsets you. However, that does not make it ok for you to come home and be mean to us. X is only responsible for HIS behavior. YOU are responsible for YOUR behavior - how you respond to him and how you act with everyone else for the rest of the day is all on you."

    Then I remind myself that he's 10 and this is going to take a long time to sink in to that skull. We repeat as often as needed. Also, DH HAS to get on board. You need to be a united front.

    Answer by ldmrmom at 1:03 PM on Jun. 14, 2012

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