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Why am I still letting this bother me?

My daughter is turning 13 on Monday and her "father" han't seen her since she was 18 months old. He is remarried with 2 other children and fully suppoerts them. Taylor has had no support from him and 2 yrs ago when I contacted him for her it only lasted a month before his wife got jealous and put a stop to it. This has bothered me for years, why isn't Taylor important enough to him to see her and be in her life? I'm sure she wonders the same thing. How can get over this???


Asked by TaylorJadesMom at 10:20 PM on Jan. 30, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (9)
  • CONT'D
    It would have also been our first father's day together. I try to act as if it doesn't bother me but it hurts like Hell, especially b/c he chose another family over myself, my DH and our children...I'm tearing up right now. All I can suggest is that you stay strong for your daughter and you always be there to listen. I thank God for the beautiful woman that he saw fit to make my mother and more often than not I do not feel hurt b/c she was the best parent in the world (at least to me:). Stay strong and remember that you are awesome and your daughter will always know her worth, even if her "father" doesn't. Good luck and I wish you the best:)

    Answer by micrespo at 10:39 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I'm so sorry that your daughter has to go through this, and I'm so sorry that you have to watch this happen. Honestly, hun, it's not that she isn't important enough. She's important. HE is an idiot. He's selfish, and since it is EASIER to stay away so that he can avoid that conflict with his wife and other children, he takes the easy way out. I know that this probably does hurt her, and I know that it is probably killing you to see your daughter mistreated in this way, but as long as you reassure her that it is HIS loss, not hers, and that she is an amazing, strong, young woman, she will be just fine.

    Answer by heather.huckaby at 10:32 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • I'm sorry to say this but you probably never will. I am 25 and I still haven't gotten over my father. He has STEPchildren that he has supported and my mother never received a dime in child support (partially b/c she never pursued the issue) and he came to my home once when I was 10 and he had his new wife with him and he only stayed for 30 min. or so. He contacted me again when I was 15 and we had a telephone relationship that didn't last very long. I had heard from a friend that he passed and so I went looking for family (I have a younger half sister whom I've never met). I found out he was alive and he came up from Florida to live with my family for a while. He was in the process of leaving his wife. One day he went "out for a smoke" and never returned (he was with me less than 2 months). He went back to his wife and I have heard very little from him since. He missed my wedding and my premature son's 1st b-day.

    Answer by micrespo at 10:36 PM on Jan. 30, 2009

  • It's not a question of "getting over it", it's about getting past it. Here's a message for you and your daughter: you can't change other people, only yourself. I've had to deal with this myself. You'll think it's crazy, but believe me: the greatest gift you can give yourself is forgiveness. Forgive him for not realizing what he's missing out on. Forgive him for not being the man you want him to be. Once you acknowledge that he is a flawed human being (like most of us), you CAN forgive. (Notice I did not say you had to forget!) When you find yourself bothered, remind yourself that these flaws are costing him more than he can ever imagine. you might even feel sorry for him because he doesn't even realize how much he is missing.

    Answer by WD40 at 12:26 AM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • I am sure its because of his wife, he is going to be so sorry some day.... it would bother me too, its normal. Girls need a dad plain and simple.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 AM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • first off no a girl does not need a dad plain and simple i grow up with out a father for a very long time mostly cause mine was in and out of nut houses and felt he was fine and didn't need his meds but for your daughters sake don't let it get too you and i wouldn't bring him up unless she does i am going threw the same thing all over again my self with my first daughter her dad comes and goes when he feels like it but she informed me the last time he vanished that she didn't need him anymore cause she has andy my fiance and her jay-jay my brother your daughter has people who love her she don't need him

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:36 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • Why can't you get a court ordered payment plan where the $ automatically come out and goes to your child? He shouldn't be able to just stop if he is employed.


    Answer by Teachermom01 at 9:05 AM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • I hear ya and am going through somewhat of the same thing. My kids dad has been in and out for almost their entire lives. He is remarried and contacts me once every 6 months to a year. I have finally put a stop to it because if he cant be consistent then he doesnt need to be in their lives. Its not when its convenient for HIM, its what is best for THEM. All I ask is that he is consistent and he says he wont do it on my terms!!!! How is making sure you call your children ONCE A WEEK my terms? I know it will kick me in the butt when they are older and he will blame me for his not seeing them, but right now it is what is best for them. I still feel bad for him that he misses out on so much. I still wish it were different, but its not and all we can both do is be there for our children when they want to talk about their dad and reassure them that its not their fault, cont'd

    Answer by jajumommy2000 at 11:20 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • and if it does become a big problem, seek counseling. It does help. My DS is in it now and has so many issues because of his father. He is finally opening up at 13 and I pray that he will understand that its not him, it is his father who has no clue on what it takes to be a dad... GL and PM if you need to talk

    Answer by jajumommy2000 at 11:21 PM on Feb. 1, 2009