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2 Bumps

My daughters boyfriend

My 15 year old dd has been seeing a boy at school and texting etc for the past couple months. Yesterday was the first time he came over to our house so I had a chance to meet him. They were out in the backyard and I saw that he was smoking a cigarette. My dd knows how I feel about smoking but said that his mom lets him smoke. Should I try to put a stop to this relationship or just deal with the fact that he smokes and keep telling my dd how bad smoking is and hope that his smoking doesn't rub off on my daughter?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:10 AM on Jun. 20, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (15)
  • My concern would be if he smokes what else is he doing? What kind of background does he have? Etc... Also, if he finds it appropriate to smoke at your house, he obviously is disrespectful as well. Flat out telling her she can't see him will probably drive them closer together though. I would keep a close eye on things and make sure there was plenty of supervision.
    macbudsmom

    Answer by macbudsmom at 8:13 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • If you flat out tell her that you she can't see him, she will most likely do it anyway, just lie about it. I would make a rule that he can not smoke at your house (even outside) and I would be the one facilitating them seeing each other so that I could provide supervision.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 8:38 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • I wouldn't try to take away the relationship, but I would tell her she can only see him at your house, and that there will be no smoking allowed. My guess is if you enforce those rules politely and "lovingly", he will shortly remove himself from your lives. We always allowed our children to entertain all their friends at our house, but they also had to abide by our rules while they were there. Amazingly, the ones who didn't like rules didn't hang around very long at all. You need to be prepared for him to try to put pressure on your daughter to break the rules, though. So lay the groundwork by telling her that he will and that if she breaks them, it's going to make life more difficult for her. This is the age where she has to learn to discriminate between those who are positive influences in her life versus those who will take her down with them.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:43 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • how old is he? when i was 15 i had a boyffriend that smoked and i never started smoking....i have dated several other guys who smoked after that and even married a smoker. i still don't smoke. i don't see how his smoking could turn her into a smoker unless she's easily influenced and dosen't have a mind of her own
    josiesmommy00

    Answer by josiesmommy00 at 8:44 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • I wouldn't judge him for his smoking, I'd be more concerned about how respectful he was and how he treated your daughter. Disclaimer: I'm a smoker.
    TammyL1976

    Answer by TammyL1976 at 8:51 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • When I was 18 I had a boyfriend who told me he smoked. (He never smoked around me.) I told him I don't date guys who smoke and he stopped. I never saw him smoke once after that even after we broke up. He should thank me for stopping him from wasting his money and his health on something so stupid. It is called positive peer pressure. Your daughter should be confident enough to tell him that she doesn't want to see him hurt himself. There is no reason she has to be the follower and go along with his way of doing things. She has every right to be a leader and encourage him to improve himself.
    LoveMyDog

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 9:02 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • Unless the boy is 18 or 19 (Alabama, Alaska, New Jersey, Utah, and the counties of Onondaga, Nassau and Suffolk in New York) he is breaking the law.

    You Could catch a contributing to the delinquency of a minor ticket for allowing him to smoke on your property.

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 9:12 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • i wouldnt let her see him anymore
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:19 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • My advice is to stay mindful of what you know & what IS actually bothering you. You saw this boy smoking in your backyard while spending time your daughter. You didn't like it!
    I wouldn't give energy or emotion to deciding whether or not he's "disrespectful" for having smoked in the yard, or whether his smoking indicates anything else about him. Your worry about his smoking influencing your daughter is a fear, too.
    Reacting to fears puts you at risk of alienating your daughter & engaging in a power struggle over the issue. Instead of trying to stop the relationship, focus on addressing your actual issue. I like the advice to say they can see each other at your house, and that you don't want him to smoke during that time. He may not "shortly remove himself from your lives," but your respectful accommodation of them with limits will give him the opportunity to do so if that's in the cards, & it addresses your issue either way.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:20 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

  • "Reacting to fears puts you at risk of alienating your daughter & engaging in a power struggle."
    In other words, respond instead of react, respond proactively, and respond by addressing what you DO have some control over (how they spend their time together outside of school, and whether or not he smokes around your daughter.) If you identify your fears as separate from the actual issue, then they don't fuel your "reactions" & thus interfere with your response. Taking action in this way helps you respond constructively & proactively to your valid concerns about his smoking, and also can help you shape the outcome of what you do NOT have true control over.

    Of course you can communicate with your daughter about her reaction & feelings. She could be encouraged to consider that her concerns or her reactions are worthy of expressing. I wouldn't PUSH her to do so, but bringing it up gives her a chance to reflect.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:31 AM on Jun. 20, 2012

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