Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Family Court/Custody Advice (kind of long) adult content

So my ex fiance/father of my children of the past 7 years have just broken up. Well, actually he left me for his ex ( mother of his eldest daughter) with whom he hadnt had any contact with for the past 4 years but had finally got the balls to go for visitation (which I was 100% supposrtive of because I believed his daughter deserved to have her father in her life). They had brought my children over for "playdates" at the park ( none of the children including his daughter knows he's her father because well its been years since shes seen him I think she was 2 and her mother has been with another man whom she has other children with so she thinks thats her dad) and lunch at her house which I felt extremly uncomfortable with but didnt say anything because I knew this meant alot to him and well now our children are BFFs. I have a part-time job at Target (would love more hours but they just dont want to give them up),I am involved in the PTA, and I am the Representative of our school district in the head start policy committee, and had just enrolled into college for CNA courses so I can have a career and be able to better provide for my family. So all this has been quite heartbreaking for me. My biggest problem right now? He was the main breadwinner, he makes WAY more money than I do even though he pays out the ass for his daughter in child support,arrears,and child care. I'm not going to be able to afford our apartment without him and i'm not the type of person to sponge off the government but I do realize they have these programs for people in need of help (like myself?) but i know they wont be able to help me with my apartment/bills and even if they would my landlord doesn't accept government help. So i'm pretty sure i'm going to have to go to a homeless shelter and get help (My aunt was homeless once with my little cousins so i know that for families they put them up in hotels and such until you can find an apartment but they make you take any apartment they can find..even the ghetto). I never expected this to happen and i thought we were fine but since obviously I was quite wrong about that my next fear is him taking my children from me. Although i honestly dont think he will...who knows anymore. I know that in NYS (where I live) if there is no custody paper filed that if he took them for a weekend..he wouldn't have to bring them back because there is no custody established. I want to go to family court asap and file but im not sure what im even filing for? Sole physcial custody? joint? I have never had to do this before so I have no idea what the difference is between all these..2nd problem even thought his is going to be super hard for me by myself what should I do for my children? Should I get them in counseling? They are 7,5,and 3..but i dont see them taking this news so great. How are they gonna feel when they realize we have to move away from their school and friends, theyre whole life is going to be different, and Daddy and Mommy arnt together anymore but now they're new BFF's Mommy is with him? That Daddy moved in with theyre new BFF? I dont know if they'll be mad at me, or him, or her, or their new BFF. This is a horrible situation and i'm really upset that hes doing this to my children this way. I almost want to tell him that if hes going to take the kids for visits NOT to bring them there or not let them know thats where your staying. what should i do in this situation? and what do i file for?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:27 AM on Jun. 21, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • See if there is any way he can help you till at least the lease is up or for 3-6 months till you can get better hours.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:37 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • 1) Go file for custody. They will help you with what you need. I know you are emotional right now and they understand that. They will help. In addition, it you don't want him to take them to her place for visits right now, ask for that to be included in the papers
    2). Counseling usually doesn't hurt.
    3) File for child support-you need it. Again, I know you are emotional right now, so do not let him talk you into getting less than what you deserve.

    Hugs to you. I know it is tough, but you can make it through this.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 10:41 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • I agree get child support and I know you dont want to accept government help but this is also about your children. Just accept it till you get on your feet the stop.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:43 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • this all sounds very recent
    has he said anything to you on how he sees this playing out
    maybe he will help more than you think

    you do not want to sponge, but may have to
    food stamps ar not just for unemployed, they are also for under employed
    same goes for other services
    call your local social services agency to find out more info
    and could call 211- that number is for local agencies that provide services to help out

    i would look into the whole filing in court thing asap

    have you had any discussion with him at all?
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:44 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • Thank you, and I'm really trying to be strong at the moment not just for myself but for my kids. but with the child support issue. If he's living with her, will they make him stop paying child support for her? because if they don't i DO belive he will just keep paying it to her since it will go right back to him he pays about $180 a week for her, what would that leave me with? $5 a week? even though i have 3 of his children? and what do I file for? Sole custody? Joint custody? what are the differences? i know that i may not be in a stable enviroment at the moment but i'm working as much as i possibly can, i'm reliable and responsible ( doing bake sales for the school, bring the kids back and forth to school, PTA meeting etc) and am enrolled in school that starts in Sept. But i want them with ME. I dont want him to have them 3 days during the week I'd rather him take them on the weekends.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:48 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • Get a lawyer NOW. It's usually good to be the one who files for the divorce.
    Then, he will have to pay child support and possibly alimony, laws differ from state to state, a lawyer will be able to tell you exactly how your state works. Counseling isn't a bad idea if you can do it, do it for yourself as well as the kids. Find out how much money you will have from him before you panic, then check into the help that's out there for you.

    Good luck mama, and hugs.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:52 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • Well Ive suspected for a couple weeks something was going on between them, but he told me not to worry and then when he was drinking Monday night is when he said he never wanted to marry me and when he proposed he never actually planned on really doing it ( made me feel wonderful) he said he loves me but he loves her too? he said he want leaving but he also said he would help me? quite confusing... since then hes been either drunk or asleep by the time i got home from work ( im the closer at work) so i dont really want to have have a conversation with him when he's in that state. But his phone kept blowing up last nite while i was sleeping so i finally looked at it and saw it was "her" and he had already told her he was leaving me so it wasnt just the alcohol talking unfortunately, he keeps saying were going to talk but it never happens so idk..
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:57 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • sorry, he said he wasnt leaving *** but then said he would help me..?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:59 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • Why would you create 3 children with a man who wasn't involved with his first child nor paying his child support regularly???

    Why would you create 3 children without marrying the man? Even if marriage is "just a piece of paper" it does create some legal ground work for you when things like this happen...

    But regardless, I am sorry this has turned out this way for you and I do wish you the best.
    macbudsmom

    Answer by macbudsmom at 11:05 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

  • Most states base support on the amount of children you are suporting in my state 3 children would be apporx 50% of his income, but if you can prove they are living together you can be sure the judge will throw out the CO for the amount he was paying the ex,, so for example if he brings home $1,000 per week, it would be 1/2 of that amount divided by 3 so aprox. $300 per week or $1200 per month to you. I would go to the courthouse and file support papers today, you can go retro-active from the day he left. I am shocked he is not helping you at all. Please investigate all goverment help available to you,, they will also help you file for support,, sorry this happened, but it sounds like your better off without him.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 11:14 AM on Jun. 21, 2012

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.