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HOW DO YOU LET GO OF YOUR ADULT CHILD?

I am a mom of four children twin who are 4, 16 year old and a 18 year old. My 18 year old daughter feels he is intitled to what ever she wants. She is not working, lives at home, goes to adult school and should be graduating this june. I would be okay with the not working if she went to school full time. She will go to school for an hour and leave, she will sleeps over her boysfriends house for days and miss school . Her father and I both have told her she needs to get her education our home is not her motel. We stopped buying her stuff, giving her money taking her places. She does not have a drivers license and we offered to buy her a car if she graduates and gets a license. She has no motivation.. what makes is worse she is mean to her sister & very disrespectful to everyone.

 
mommiedear

Asked by mommiedear at 1:56 PM on Jan. 31, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 14 (1,374 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Sit down and give her a time frame. Say you have until June to graduate, get your license and a job. If you dont then youre moving out.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:18 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • The next time she's at home, ask her to pack her stuff, and make her room into an office, craft room, whatever. Tell her what you've said here, and that the only way you'll help her is to have her help herself.

    She'll have to hit rock bottom before she'll pull herself up. I was her once, and by being pushed out, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now, I have 2 houses, a wonderful life, and my pride, which carries me most of the time, as well as a good relationship with my family. I just wish they'd done it years earlier.
    sizesmith

    Answer by sizesmith at 2:08 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • im a mom of 4, as well. i didnt have to much problems with my 2 oldest but my 3rd born has tried the running in & out thing. Im having more of a problem with his girlfriend. he works, go to school & supports himself (NOW) but it was a little frightful n the beginning of his relationship with this girl. he decided to get mad at me & leave. he ended up on the streets for about ten days, no money, no car, no phone & girl friend said no sleep overs...hmmm (B*$@h) after she started the problem. NOW she is trying to live here...NOPE!!! after this weekend (her birthday & they have went outta town together) Im gonna have a family meeting with her invited to explain visitation & family & personal times to the heffer & to my children just in case they also dont understand the rules of "MY/OUR" house...when it become their house...i will comply to their rules . my advise is PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN...whats the worst thing that could happen?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • It doesn't matter if you're in the home of your parents, renting an apartment or staying with a friend...you must follow the rules of that home! That includes no disrespect and doing what is required of you to stay there. When I was 18, I was required to contribute to the groceries and the cleaning and maintaining of the home. I would have had to pay rent if I was not going to school full-time. Perhaps she doesn't respect what you do for her because she's never had bills/responsibility of her own? Does she have a cell phone that you pay for? Shut if off if she doesn't pay for her portion. If she doesn't want to go to school full-time, she has to pay rent. If she doesn't, lock her out of her room, lock her out of the bathroom, lock her out of the laundry room and cut off any cable/phone to her room. If she doesn't pay for it, she can't use it. It's very similar to what would happen to her if she were on her own.

    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:16 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • (cont.) if you don't want to lock her room to solicit rent/grocery/utilities money from her, at least take the door off of its hinges. Privacy is not a right, it is earned; you're right, this isn't her hotel. I'd help her get a car, not buy one for her. She should get her liscense, not because of what you'll buy for her but because she needs it to care for herself as an adult. If she puts no money of her own into the car, it's very likely she won't feel the need to take care of it. If she can't get a job, she can at least do chores around the house to make up for the gas/water/electric she is using. Sometimes tough love is the only way. She's an adult, treat her how adults are treated that behave like her.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:22 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • tuff love comes too mind tell her the free ride is over you no longer have too pay her way too either get a job or go too school
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 PM on Jan. 31, 2009

  • I totally agree with gemgem. I had to do this with my oldest. Give her a time frame, what you expect and stick to it. Adult kids (I say the term loosely, turning 18 doesnt make you an adult) will only do what you let them get away with.
    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 8:36 AM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • I am having trouble letting go of my 18ds I guess say we are enablers, but personally I think its just a mom thing. We love them so much and its painful to watch them make poor decisions....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:57 AM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • Well, at least you have already put your foot down so thats a start. She doesn't have to live there if she is abusing that privilege. Just for the heck of it, take her to an apartment building and let them show her how much she needs to survive on her own. Then go with all the other little things and let her see that she is taking you guys for granted.
    Change the locks if you have to just to show her. Sometimes you have to be hard.
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 12:05 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

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