2 Bumps

How can I get the truth out about my step son?

My husband and I are married for 12 yrs and we have a 9 yr old daughter together. He has a son from his previous marriage. Before marriage he told me that his son, who was 4 yrs old, visit him few weeks in a yr which eventually turned to almost 50-50 parenting time. On and off his son was causing problems in our marriage like disrespecting me, lying, and things will happen at home only when he is around (going out, visiting, road trips), he needs to be there even in our picture otherwise my husband would never even have a picture with me. I was very sad to see this behavior but slowly and slowly it started becoming a pattern. Even before our daughter was born, he told me that I need to take care of his son completely otherwise there will be no child in our marriage. I couldn't understand him as his mother would always send him to our home (which was always 90% of time in a month) whenever she has some plans and my husband would happily bring him home and then go to his work. I was the only one at home taking 100% care of him. His son was very happy with me because my husband always asked him about his day with me. I felt like an interrogation going on. Recently, his son (who is 15 now) complained about his mom that she is abusing him (like slapping or taking away his phone). I felt bad for him and both my husband and I tried to help him by talking to him. Then suddenly one night we got a call from his mom and she started fighting with my husband for the things her son shared with us and now his son wanted to come and stay with us. At 11.30 pm his step dad dropped him at our place. He cried on my shoulder and I calmed him down. We filed the emergency motion based on his story. Court appointed the Child Psychologist (CP). From the day he came to our home till the day he had his appointment with the CP, he was very nice with me. He followed me wherever I go, even would take food from my plate, ask me for the things he wanted, talked about his school. But then suddenly after his appointment he was totally different person. Things at our home are solely his now like laptop, TV or even food. He started making mockery faces at me, started getting violent with our daughter. One day he refused to share laptop with our daughter as she needed to prepare for her school test. I told him that she will give him back in 30 mins but he said “NO” 3-4 times angrily and then he pushed me couple of times. Eventually I got out of his room. But then he started looking at me with his very angry eyes and I ask him to stop. Suddenly he got up from his chair with anger and got his fist very close to my face and said “I’ll hit you” and “You are way lower than my mom”. I called my husband immediately. He said he will talk to him which never happened in front of me. So I really don’t know if talked to him or not. He would act very nicely with us in front of his dad. I talked to my husband about his behavior and his actions and that he is very different person behind his back. He always told me that he will talk. But now it’s been almost 7 months he is with us 100% and I am the one who is spending more time with him. I can see how his mom was trying to discipline him and I really don’t blame her as he is very tough kid. He told us so many things but never told us how he was also responsible or at fault like eating his food alone, mom taking away his phone or slapping him (slapping is his version). I am seeing his similar behavior here – we have to wait for him at the dinning table because he needs to finish his game before we can start eating, never pick up his dirty clothes and put them in a laundry basket, his room is a big mess, won’t shampoo for 2 months, doesn’t care if everyone in the home is doing some chores but nobody can ask him to do anything because he is always playing and games are more important (not even putting the trash can outside or help in gardening though my 9 yr old would help us in every which she can). His dad will never say anything to him but when I asked him how come he is exception in this home. He always wanted me to tell his son to do some chores which makes me feel like he is afraid of his own son and yes I have told him multiple times. After reading few docs from his mom submitted to the court, I could relate those things like making mockery, pushing, and anger. I told my husband if his son would have told us the whole truth in the beginning, today we would not be spending tons of money at the court. He neither agrees nor disagrees. I think he also knows what happened and realized his mistake. His response is he is precious and important too. We agree he is important but this is not the way that he should get away with all these things. I am extremely sorry for the details. I am really looking for some help or advice on how to handle this situation, how can I stay behind the scenes but let the truth come out in front of court without destroying my family peace and environment?

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SKV

Asked by SKV at 3:44 PM on Jun. 30, 2012 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Tell your dh the family needs to go to counseling. The child should be evaluated.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 3:49 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • Why on earth does this child get to determine when you will eat, who gets to use computers, etc.

    Why is he allowed to be the adult while you all cower in the corner?

    Take.the.damned.games.away.from.him.
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 3:57 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • Could be a few things, and at the top of my list he sounds like a spoiled rotten brat that has gotten his way entirely to much by threatening violence. And he like to lie and manipulate people. You should get him evaluated by a mental health doctor who specializes in bipolar disorder. Not saying he is BP, he just has all the warning signs of it. I am BP and was diagnosed 8 yrs ago. Do you know for sure he may have hit his mom? But IMO, something needs to get done about this kid and if it has to come out in court so be it. You never know if one day you may push the right button and he attacks you. And god forbid if that should happen, I would file charges. If he hit his mom, he got away with it. If he hits you, he also may attack your daughter to. You dh needs to step up and be dad and be afraid to discipline his son. No parent should be afraid of their child. In doing so, he gets a lot of power from that.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 4:13 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • NOT^^^be afraid of his son
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 4:14 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • Did he wet his bed when he was younger? Or kill small animals and set fires?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:19 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • the kid comes off as demanding...
    smiley745

    Answer by smiley745 at 4:20 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • be mean make him want to go back to mommies, show him just what a bitch you can be.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:23 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • I would take away his games, his computer, his phone... and let him know that until his behavior changes, he will not be getting them back , They are not rights to have. He has them because you allow it. And walk away. And let him, and DH, know IF he EVER hits you, you will immediately call the police. It will not be tolerated. At all.
    I would also talk to DH about counseling for him. And if your DH really doesnt believe you.. I would look into one of those "nanny cams" you can hide somewhere and capture his behavior. Then it isnt your word vs. his... its video proof.
    If he cant act appropriately, he cant have his games and such.
    As for dinner, start when YOU want, if he misses it, oh well. After a few nights of not eating, maybe he will get the picture.
    At this point, you have given HIM control of the house, and it is damn time you TAKE it back. He is a child. You are the adult. Period.
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 5:30 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • he's pretty much pulling the same shit my daughter did... she started going around telling lies about being abused (I didn't find out for months) in various ways because she wanted to do what she wanted to do. she physically attacked me. the first time I didn't know what to do and sought advice. the second time a few months later I called the police as advised. I did not let them process her all the way through (she was taken because I had marks on me and a ripped shirt) on the advice of my stepfather. i had to relinquish control for the purpose of everyone's sanity and she moved in with my parents for a year or so. she arranged counseling for herself. her school VP is the one that helped me make a decision, saying you can let her continue to make your home a nightmare if you want because that's what she is determined to do. i tried a variety of punishments and consequences and talks prior to this.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:46 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

  • Note... it is several years later and she is doing GREAT now and our relationship is excellent.

    basically you cannot live that way. you do what you have to do for your SAFETY. i would call his therapist and discuss with them ASAP - try to arrange a family counseling session - before you make any decisions.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:47 PM on Jun. 30, 2012

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