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Here are the circumstances:
I was married at 22 - fresh out of college (he was 22, too)
I was a virgin at marriage
I knew before I walked down the aisle that I didn't want to marry this man - but I did because I was afraid at that point to disappoint the guests and so much money was already spent (I wanted a small wedding, but my parents went crazy because I was the last girl to be married off).
I married someone who I soon discovered didn't have much if any of a sex drive. He thought lingerie was for pornos (he grew up southern baptist). We had a 2 week honeymoon and had sex maybe 10 times. We started counseling just a few weeks after our honeymoon. As hard as I tried to make it work, I grew more bitter and more angry at myself and at him. I became so angry and bitter my friends didn't recognize me; heck, I hardly recognized me. But I kept going to counseling with him and trying to make it work; however, we fought more and I just hated my life.
Flash forward 2 years - here's some examples that are forever burned in my head that really ended it all:
Valentine's Day while out to dinner that he just doesn't see the point in kissing - and to him it's a little gross. I sat there shocked.
2 months later at his older brother's wedding we were all dancing and having a good time. A slow song came on and I nuzzled up to him, he pushed back and said, "not so close, there's a lot of people watching." I said, "I'm your wife, I'm sure they don't mind".
I start dreaming of other men and don't like it - I tell him and he says, "oh"
1 month later I tell him I want a divorce - he moves out and we are officially separated. He tells me he thinks we can work this out and wants to keep going to counseling. I do, but only for this month - I know I'm done, he just couldn't let go yet.
3 months later I start seeing other men - they all know I'm married but separated (one guy at a time, no multiples).
I did it because I was angry - angry at my life and at how I felt so stuck, angry that I saved myself for ~nothing~ worth waiting for, so angry that I contemplated suicide numerous times. I was literally on a path of destruction and didn't care who I hurt (which was mainly me) in the process.
I got pregnant and lost the baby - confessed all to my husband who I was still separated from. He immediately forgave me but was upset at the other guys - not exactly what I wanted - I wanted him to be upset at me for once.
I went to one more counseling session. The counselor asked me what I wanted, I said, "I want to move on with my life, I want a divorce just like I wanted months ago." He finally agreed. It took him 10 months to sign the paper work - I didn't date any men in that time frame. About 4 months after the divorce was final, I started therapy because I couldn't live with myself. I knew I needed to learn how to love myself again and to find a way to be happy by my own means - not looking for others to make me happy. I went to therapy 1-2x/week for 6 months. I made a lot of progress and found my happiness within me. A dated a few guys, but it wasn't what I wanted. A year after completing therapy I met a guy who I've been dating for 2-1/2 years now.
Now for my dilemma - I didn't tell him about my cheating on my husband - separated or not, that's what it was. About a month ago he found my journal that I had kept while I was going through therapy. He read it. He called me at work after a few hours of reading it and told me what he had discovered. We talked - we talked for the next week about it. He feels like I'm no longer trust-worthy because I have a past with cheating - he says cheater are master manipulator and liars and now I'm not sure if what you've been living with me is a lie.
I know what I did in the past was wrong - so so wrong - in fact so wrong I thought of ways to kill myself over it. I got help, I've worked hard to accept that what I did was wrong, but it's not who I am. My past does not define me, it contains lessons learned, some harder than others, but I can only wallow in it or grow from it - I choose to grow from it.
The last few weeks, my boyfriend and I have been more solid than we ever have.
A girlfriend of mine for the last 20 years who I haven't hung out with for maybe 3 years now (but I've always talked fondly about her to my bf), I saw her and her family at the park on Father's Day. We made plans to get together and do some home-improvements while her husband and daughter are in Thailand on a church trip. I go there Friday after work - come home covered in paint. Tell bf that I'm going back Sunday to help her finish. I go yesterday. I told him I'd be gone a few hours. 4 hours later I'm leaving and I call him. He says, "how do I know that you are where you said you were." I said, "well, friday I came home covered in paint. Today I have a piece of her plant to plant and have oil based varnish all over me." I marched back inside and had her say, "Hi" to him.
Answer by fiatpax at 2:10 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
Answer by wendythewriter at 3:00 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
Answer by vicesix at 3:08 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
Answer by ria7 at 3:34 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
Answer by ria7 at 3:35 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
Answer by Xlandria at 3:38 PM on Jul. 2, 2012
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