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How should my DD handle visitation? (no court order)

DD and her ExSO split up 5 months ago and she moved in with me, about 3 hours away. He has been down to see the baby (19 months) twice for about 3 hours a time, never calls to check on him ("too busy"), though he does send $50 a week. The other grandma never calls or visits either, but she wants him for every holiday. DD got an email from her all excited about the baby coming for Valentine's Day. News to my DD. When she called Ex about it, he basically demanded she bring the baby to him for the weekend. She is uneasy sending the baby on an overnight when he has hardly seen his dad. When she tries to talk about his routines etc., ex cuts her off-he's a real know-it-all type. Our lawyer said to discourage him from taking the baby for the weekend, but how the heck does she do that without causing problems? Any advice or ideas?

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Asked by Malley at 5:28 PM on Feb. 1, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (-5 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • If there isnt a court order and the child is young all she has to do is write him a letter spelling out the visitation shes willing to give. At that age I would offer day visits, 6 hours a day and no overnights until the child is 3. He can see the child on traditional holidays where he has a day off but valentines day isnt a traditional holiday so id tell him straight up to pound sand.
    FYI without a CO in places shes under no obligation to give him visits. She should not to look bad in court but she doesnt6 have to give him everything he asks for,

    Answer by gemgem at 5:32 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • With no court order, if mom isn't comfortable sending baby overnight, she shouldn't do it. If dad doesn't like it, too bad!

    Answer by Sherry543 at 7:10 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • If she split 5 months ago has the baby spent an over night in that time?

    Without a court order she is not under any obligation to allow the overnight visit, but if she doesn't he may decide to take her to court to obtain an order of visitation. Is she trying to avoid going to court?

    The poster that said Valentine's day is NOT considered a holiday is correct. However, the 14th is on a Saturday so he may be requesting a weekend visit.

    Can she talk to him about setting up a regular schedule outside of court. They could set up a monthly calendar. In this way everyone can prepare for visitations and grandchild will eventually become accustomed to visiting dad also.

    Answer by 360 at 7:23 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • I wish they did have a set schedule, but I would be surprised if it happened. He won't even call or email to check on the baby, says he's too busy.. He has some issues, like he wore a cranial helmet for six months,has had feeding problems , is just starting to walk, and has been accepted to the Early Intervention program so he'll receive speech, occupational, and physical therapy. You'd think dad would be very concerned, but he acts like it's no big deal, wants to take him overnight ,but doesn't ask how to care for him and blows DD off when she tries to explain, says he knows everything. He came to vist for Halloween and Xmas. Now he wants him the weekend of Feb. 14 or for Mardi Gras. After that I guess it will be Easter.

    Answer by Malley at 8:43 PM on Feb. 1, 2009

  • Because there isn't a court ordered visitation.I would put an agreement on paper and have him sign it,but you have to have a wittness who is someone other then a family member.If you think he will do something bad to your baby.You have the right to not allow him to see your baby without supervision.As far as the grandmother,why can't she come to your town to visit the baby?Why can't you fix it that she can meet you in a public place to visit with the baby.

    Answer by Jeffsmom87 at 2:15 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • In light of the medical restrictions I wouldn't allow him to take him overnight, yet. I would have DD write up a care plan to email to him if he forces the issue and takes him. Do you think he acts like "it's no big deal" because he doesn't want to face the reality that his son has physical disabilities?

    Answer by 360 at 2:18 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Yes, he keeps saying there is nothing wrong with him. He was born with totricullis and he couldn't turn his head to the right so his head got misshapen which caused his eye to droop.. My DH and I noticed it, but dad denied there was a problem. Finally the Dr referred him for an evaluation and he ended up in PT and with a cranial helmet. His head is much better, but still "off", but dad thinks it's perfect. The PT told me that he has low muscle tone, the lowest you can have and not be classified as having cerebral palsy. She said with therapy he should be up to par by the time he goes to kindergarten, which is good news. I like the idea of a care plan. Maybe his therapists could help her write one up. I was also thinking that she could go up and stay overnight in town with her dad or a friend and let his dad keep him. Maybe she'd feel better if she was 10 minutes away instead of 3 hours.

    Answer by Malley at 6:41 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • First of all it is not your dd's responsibility to deliver the child to the father. Visitation should have been clearly established. I'm guessing they didn't bother to go to court and do that or determined sole custody. If he has joint custody then she doesn't have much leverage if he comes and takes the child for the weekend. However, she can tell him come visit for the day but the child remains in your city and not to be removed or she can call the police. Since you don't want trouble, she may have to compromise but I'd still make him come get the child and tell him what time to bring the child back. That way if he doesn't return the baby she can call the police and have a specific time he was to return. That just gets sticky with no court order.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:25 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • tell your daughter too go too court cause with out something written out he can take that baby and run on her and its not kidnapping as long as he is listed as his father on the birth certificate

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • There is no court order he has no rights (if they weren't married). If she doesnt' want the baby to go then she doesn't have to let him have her. I don't know the laws where you are but that's how it is here and my son's dad signed the birth certificate. And as for he child support here (OH) if it isn't through the courts it's condsidered a gift and does not count toward child support payments.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:21 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

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