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not sure what to do anymore

before i got pregnant me and my husband had a great sex life, after the birth of our daughter my sex drive was non existant almost after 5 years having sex off an on i just felt so guilty for having sex with him just to make him happy, i love him to death but i feel thats all he ever wants from me he even has threatened me with divorce because of not wanting sex 24/7, we just had a second child in dec, and i still have no interest in sex he is always beging me for it, i give him sex because he wants it not because i want to i just lay there, after words he goes an does his thing i just lay there feeling guilty as if sex was more important to him than i am...honestly i don't know what to do.

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Asked by brandylynn25 at 1:43 AM on Feb. 2, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (11)
  • Gosh, this is definitely the difference between men and women. My husband and I actually got into an argument tonight over this very subject! Please don't feel guilty. I believe your man is "testing" your love for him. He feels the 2 children are more important than him now. Just remind him of how special he really is to you and that soon, your sex drive will be back to normal, and the more help you can get from him with the babies, the closer you'll feel to him, and making love to him will happen naturally.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Ahem. Can I come beat him up with my baseball bat?

    You have a new baby! He's being an ass. No blaming yourself for being a normal human being. Most women have no interest in sex for months after a new baby arrives.

    Now. It's possible to MAKE yourself want it...reading erotica and watching the right movies, dressing in sexy lingerie. But...I'm a little concerned about his sole focus on his penis.

    If I were in your shoes and threatened with divorce? I'd say, "Go right ahead."

    Sorry. This guy doesn't sound worth it from what you've written. I know that's not the whole picture but you should know YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT HERE.

    Marriage counseling, OK? On your own if he won't go.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:53 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Well that blows my quickie solution out the window. Usually the mores sex we women have the more we want it. He is right in the aspect that sex is a very, very important part of a relationship. I know that may seem harsh but it is the truth. Maybe try going on one of the groups on Cafe Mom that help women with issues concerning sex. No need to feel embarassed. A lot of us have been through the same thing.

    Answer by pnwmom at 1:54 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Hell I had to go back and re-read that. You JUST had a baby in December? Oh honey that is normal. Just tell him you will get your sex drive back soon and that your body is getting back to normal. Read some nice romance novels or erotica...that helped get mine back after baby number 2. Then you will show him which one of you needs sex...LOL. Tell him to give your body time to get its natural swing of things and you'll be back to normal.


    Answer by pnwmom at 1:58 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • They are right it is normal. Also, when you do have sex... this will sound odd......the more you have sex, the more you will want it. Remember the personality you had before the baby? You are still that person, just with more responsibility. FLIRT, HAVE FUN. Enjoy your life. TAKE YOUR TIME. and TELL HIM where the soap and washclothes are.

    Answer by SusieD250 at 2:04 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • It's all in the mind IMO...Change your mind set! Sex is important..It's a bond, It's a stress reliever and also, Don't TRY to climax just relax. Don't think about it! Just go with the flow.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Having kids definately lowers your desire in more ways than one, you are dead tired, you are still sore, and having sex is the last thing on your mind! But practice makes perfect ease yourself back into the water don't dive right back in. Explain to your husband when he can push a 7 pound watermelon out of his ass and still want sex then drop them drawers he will be more understanding when put in simpler terms. You will have to find stuff to get yourself more into it so rent some movies, read some dirty books anything to get you going maybe that help until it comes natural again.

    Answer by 1countrygal at 2:15 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • Also to consider... a woman's desire for sex is more connected to her brain than any other body part. A good portion of it may be hormones. But there are other things you did not go into. Do you feel exhausted from the kids? Overwhelmed by all you do? Do you feel at all that he is not pulling his weight with the kids and the home. All of these could affect your sex drive immensely, as well as other factors related to your general stress level and self image.
    Basically, if you are too tired or stressed it is hard to get aroused. If you feel ugly, you won't feel sexy. If you resent him for what you feel is an unequal balance in responsibilities, it will be hard to get turned on by him. If any of these are the case, work on this first and the sex drive will follow.

    Answer by mandaday at 7:10 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • HELLOOOOO.....the OP said she had no sex drive for FIVE YEARS after the first baby, so telling her that she just had a baby and dont worry doesn't help her problem at all.

    My advice is that you should not blame your husband for wanting it all time, you should find out why you have had no sex drive for so long, that is not normal. Sex is a big part of marriage. Feeling "guilty" for doing it with him is not right at all. You might need professional help.

    Answer by JustAMom2008 at 9:38 AM on Feb. 2, 2009

  • I have to agree with JustAMom...5 years is too long. And guys are pretty oblivious...did he even notice you weren't into it? Or are you always pretty quiet in bed and it seemed normal to him? (no bashing, just asking) It takes open up and talk to him about it.

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 6:30 PM on Feb. 2, 2009

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