Would you change who you are to have a relationship with someone or just be yourself?

I have a friend who started a relationship with someone just about last year or so. This person has 5 kids w/ 2 different women. So according to her at the beginning of the relationship they talked about their previous relationships & why it didn't work with the other people. He told her what he didn't like about his ex and she spoke about her ex-husband. So they supposedly knew what each other was looking for in a relationship or partner. But now this guy is calling & texting this other female. He's been in the room or bed and will leave the area to finish talking to her privately. One day he was suppose to go & get 2 of his kids. He gets a text from this broad asking is he in the area. So my friend asked to go w/ him & he blew up at her about why do you have to go with me. She explained she'd been home all day and just wanted to get out. Long story short she didn't end up going and he didn't return home until the wee hours of the morning. He's out until 3-4 in the morning and claims that he was drinking with friends & went to sleep on the couch. But when they go out together no matter how much he's had to drink they make it home w/ him driving. It's even go to the point of one of the kids calling her by someone else name. When she asked who that person was he claimed he didn't know what she was talking about.

IMO,, I'm thinking she needs to make a firm decision and stick to it. Either stay and deal with his BS or move on. But you're not going to be laid up in the bed with me talking to another chick. She's doing everything he asked of her. For instance, he didn't like that the ex didn't keep a clean house and his friends couldn't come over. So she cleans & vacuums every other day but he still doesn't have anyone over.

I thought relationships or marriages were about love, give and take, compromising, communication, trust, etc. But I'm not sure how much of me I'm willing to change if you're not willing to do the same.

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Asked by Danni143 at 12:35 PM on Jul. 10, 2012 in Relationships

2739 Level 16

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she's pretty damn stupid. Sounds like he is cheating and she buys every little story or lets him lie about it.

Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:38 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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I would not change who I am to be in a relationship. Been there, done that, not every doing it again.
Your friend needs to end her relationship with this jerk.

Answer by meooma at 12:39 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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There's some room for change in each of us, but I would not make concessions just to win or keep some guy. Love is willing to accept a person where she is right now, knowing that he needs as much change as she does. Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it, too. That's never a good basis on which to begin a relationship. It sounds very much like your friend was willing to settle for less than she should have. You can advise her to kick him out, which is what I think she should do, but she very likely won't. Some women have a need to have a man in their lives, no matter how worthless that man may be. It appears that your friend's situation is very lop-sided, and that is not a good thing. Whatever one is willing to tolerate in the beginning, she will likely see greatly multiplied down the road a ways.

Answer by NannyB. at 12:43 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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wow, it would be nice if she could see him through your eyes. He sounds like a real jerk.

Answer by admckenzie at 12:43 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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Sounds like an awful relationship all the way around...and seems she doesn't want to see or admit what is right in font of her
sad

As far as changing for someone?...no. If I was with a guy who hated all my black clothes and wanted me to dress in more color - or he didn't like my nose ring and asked me to take it out- or whatever else...he can go find someone else.
This doesn't sound to me so much like she has changed for him- but then I don't know her.

It just sounds like he is a jerk who is doing what he wants...and she is afraid to be alone or has pretty low expectations or something- so she is letting him

Answer by charlotsomtimes at 12:46 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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Yeah, I made that mistake once. It made me miserable. When I got out of that relationship, I felt so much better. It is not a mistake I will ever make again.

Frankly, it sounds like he's screwing around on her and she just doesn't want to see it. Maybe she has low self esteem or something? If he's not cheating, he is, at the very least, all take and no give. That never works out well.

Answer by wendythewriter at 12:47 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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Take me as I am or not at all. He's seriously cheating on her and playing her for a fool.

Answer by Rosehawk at 1:05 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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It never makes sense not to be true to yourself - in the end you feel absolutely miserable. But your friend sounds like she is suffering from some self-esteem issues - so it is more like she is tolerating behavior that she shouldn't rather than actually "changing" for someone. There is a difference between not "loving" yourself enough to know when something is not good for you - and "changing " to be what someone else wants - however - both deal with a deflated self-esteem.

Don't beat her up so much as try and talk to her and ask her how she feels about this type of treatment. I'm almost certain it doesn't feel good - then you can suggest to her that she walk away from something that is not "good" for her. It kinds of takes away the blaming.

Best wishes to you both.

Answer by Myboysmom08 at 3:05 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
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I don't beat her up as much as point out that she doesn't need to deal with his BS. And remind her that it's the same that had a hand in ending her marriage. I speak the truth even if it hurts only because I don't want her to keep making the same mistakes and still hasn't learned. I mean what kind of man doesn't make an effort to attend her father's funeral or wake but can make plans to take off for a co-worker's family members funeral. The excuse he gave was that he had to cater on Saturday,,, the wake was Thur and funeral on Fri. Really. That's no excuse when her father welcomed you into his house like you were family.

Comment by Danni143 (original poster) at 6:10 PM on Jul. 10, 2012
Credits: 2739 Level 16