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What to do about this ?!?!?!

For the last few years I have been the caretaker of my sister who now has a serious heart condition ( 2 hearts surgeries so far this year !)

She has 3 children, her oldest 2 live in another state ( where she use to live) with their families, her youngest, a son, who is 20, still lives with us, he has always ha learning problem, and he is what you would call "slow" , he is capable of doing alot but on the othe hand he would probably never be able to live on his own.

He recently met this girl who, she too is what you would call "slow" , she does live on her "own", however it is in an apartment building that is only for people with certain "problems" ...

She has a 2 year old daughter who she believes she is raising, but in fact the father's family has full custody and she is just aloud to spend time with her...
She is still married to that little girls father ( who too, has "problems"), and just a few weeks ago, she talked openly about having a miscarriage by him ...

Now the problem is, she started saying she was pregnant again by my nephew ... wrote it all over facebook, called several of our family memebers to tell them, even called her case manager to tell her about it...

SHe then made a post on facebook about getting ready tocal my sister and tell he about the pregnancy ... I replied with a " maybe you should wait until you find out for sure" ... because she only took a home pregnancy test, and since she just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago, I just thought she should wait until she was 100% before making my sister upset... Well she and several other people got mad at that and was sending me mean messages over this... Also I find it horrible that she would do that, because it would probably be a very small chance that it would be my nephews child, sice they just met 2 weeks ago !!!!!!! I wasnt evn sure you could find out you were pregnant at just 2 weeks ???

Of course she called my sister, my sister was horrified ! and has been in bed ever since..

THEN, today she goes to th doctor and finds out she is NOT pregnant .... and nephew still wants to sta with her, even talking about moving in with her ....

What would you do ?

Also, they both get SSI for their "problems", even if they put that money together, they would barely have $1400 - how can they eventhink of being able to have kids on that, let alone, we knowthey would not be able to raise the baby.... I m almost 70 years old, I can not do it, obviously my sister could not do it and er family has nothing to do with her !!!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:15 PM on Jul. 12, 2012 in Parenting Debate

Answers (12)
  • I would sit down with your nephew and work out a budget, showing him how expensive it is to pay rent, electric, insurance, gas for the car, etc. Have you tried talking to the girl's parents? Are they aware that their daughter is sexually active and not on any type of bc? Does your nephew have a job? He can collect SSI and still work. Or is he in school? I would get him involved with something so he has less free time on his hands.

    Answer by missanc at 1:20 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • OMG-- I would say her family needs to put her on birth control,, period. Perhaps her case worker could explain to her that having more children would not be a good thing, and encourage her to get the Depo Shot,, I don't think considering the source you can be angry with her, and perhaps your husband could give the boy a talk about condoms? I would think if they are happy with one another and somehow they could live together (and not have babies) that isn't such a bad thing, and perhaps getting out on his own with the help of a case worker could better prepare him for life when no one is left to care for him. God Bless you momma!

    Answer by kimigogo at 1:21 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • Her family has nothing to do with her, they are a bunch of trash ( we live in a small community, everyone knows who they are ) ....

    We have all talked to my nephew about this, but he doesnt understand it and thinks it will all just be ok ....

    He does "work" at a local buisness, but only a couple days a week and really doesnt make anything ( it is more of a volunteer, type thing, and he he just gets "tips")

    neither of them are able to drive either.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:23 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • Well I had told her I would pay for her birth control if I had to, and she refuses she WANTS children, she believes she is raising her daughter now ( when really she only visits with her a couple hours during the day) ....

    I have been trying to get ahold of her case worker ( left a few messages), so I can talk to her about this, but havent heard anything yet ...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:26 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • Has he talked to his case manager to find out if moving in with her would affect his amount of SSI? I have a friend whose child went through this recently and I know there was going to be some change if she and her bf (also receiving SSI) got married, but I'm not sure about just living together.

    Answer by missanc at 1:32 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • I have a "retarded" nephew who lives on his own and holds down a job. So I can not see how being "slow" makes them unable to care for themselves nor how they would be unabl;e to care for a child.

    From your post the girl is married. I would tell my nephew that he can not stay with her as long as she is married. HOWEVER you and your sister will have to come to the realization that this boy is a man and 20 year old. If I read correctly he is not your responsibility but his parents and even then he is his own responsibility. If he makes this choice it is his to mak.

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:40 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • They should both talk to their case manager. Is it possible that your nephew would agree to a vasectomy?

    Answer by meooma at 1:59 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • I would say that Dardenella has a good point, if the girl won't get on birth control, and neither of them drive, I would tell the boy, that you will not allow him to see her until she is divorced. I would do my best to talk to the case worker, and offer to take the girl to get a shot, you and your sister (although ill) have the right to determine if the boy can see her or not, and for now I would say not.
    I also think if he can do something, you should help him find a job of some sort, does he have a caseworker as well? I would think you need to do something and fast, or you will have another child to take care of.

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:01 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • PS-- do his older siblings have any help in this matter? Perhaps he should live with one of them?

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:03 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

  • I don't think this girl should be allowed to come to the house where your sister lives even if he considers her to be his girlfriend. If your nephew can't drive himself or make his own decisions due to his problems then I think you should not take him to see her or let him see her.

    Answer by amber710 at 3:17 PM on Jul. 12, 2012

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