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Is this abuse?

I have a friend whose husband has always been mean, verbally and emotionally abusive.Constantly putting her down, screaming in her face, and giving her the silent treatment, for things she tried hard not to do. He expects everything in his house to be perfect at all times and she had 5 kids. Finally after 20 years of it, she is standing up to him. She is giving him a cold shoulder, and she has even told him he is mean and abusive.She is now seeing that he was abusive, and she isn't taking it as much now. Now the husband is telling her, she is just as abusive by telling him that and treating him that way. She gets all upset telling me she is an abuser too, because now she is mean her to husband and is no better. Her husband said by her telling him he is mean, is no different than all these years of him being mean to her. I don't know what to say..Any ideas? Is her reaction to him a form of abuse too? She said she never wants to abuse her husband and be like him.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on Jul. 14, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Tit for tat isn't going to solve the core problem. If she's treating him the same way he treated her, how is that any solution?

    They need counseling to learn how to communicate effectively and respectfully. Until that happens, it's still an abusive relationship regardless of who is doing the abusing.
    BrawnwynII

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 3:20 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • I lived in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for years until I realized what it was. If he thinks telling her she is abusive will make her feel bad about herself, he will say it. Brawn is right. They need counseling. If the won't go or (as my husband did) will only go to make her shut up but not change, she needs to leave.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 3:23 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • Like all abusive realtionships this is a very disfunctional relationship. Nothing you say to this woman is going to get through to her. Tell her to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for a counselor then pack a suitcase and get the hell out of there.
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 3:25 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • What brawnwyn said
    mommys2cupcakes

    Answer by mommys2cupcakes at 3:30 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • Are the kids grown? Can she just leave yet? Poor woman.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 3:37 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • not all of them are grown. Plus she doesn't have a job, though she is looking.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:46 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • Telling him that he is mean is NOT abuse. Him telling her that it is abuse is just another way of manipulating her and she has to decide if she is going to continue to put up with it or get on with her life, without him.
    SpiritedWitch

    Answer by SpiritedWitch at 3:48 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • "giving him the cold shoulder" is childish and immature but not abusive.
    "telling him he is mean' is not abusive

    She just needs to tell him she will no longer tolerate his abuses. If he doesn't stop and change he is putting the marriage at great risk. Then she needs to follow through.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 4:28 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

  • I don't know if she so much gives him the cold shoulder, I might have not used the right words, but more she said she just doesn't care about him anymore. She will talk to him if he asks her something, she just doesn't have much feelings for him. She likes when he isn't around etc.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:35 PM on Jul. 14, 2012

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