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As a mother to more than one child, could you disown one while favoring another? (sorry its long, but i need someone) adult content

I need to vent... im very upset about this and having a hard time understanding why.

My mother was not a part of my life. She also was not a part of my half sisters either. I found my mother my sophmore year in highschool, so that i could know her. We had a hard time getting along. My father passed away when i was 10 years old from a car accident. I loved my dad so much, he was everything to me. But she clearly was not a fan of him seeing how they divorced when i was 2 years old, and the fact that she could never say anything nice about him. This caused a lot of problems between her and I.

My half sister also found my mothers number and got in contact with her. Except their relationship is VERY different. My half sisters father would beat her and treat her like crap. So my mother and her had something in common...they did not like that man. So they would talk together about their experiences with them and share negative comments between one another with no feelings hurt. But with me its very different. I loved my dad so when my mother talks bad about him, it would hurt me.

Well the reason why i explained this is because i feel it has a LOT to do with the reason she told me to "Fuck off" but still talks to my sister. My mother lives 3 hours from where i am. She NEVER comes this way to see me or my kids. She has come to my half sisters daughters birthday parties, come to visit, has stopped by just to say hi when they are in town, all kinds of stuff. I never made a big deal about it because i didnt really care, as i just thought this was because of bad luck with things happening suddenly (on her part) on our scheduled visits. My mom always was very sensitive to things i would say. If i would tell her a sentence like this "I think the reason my grandpa took advantage of me is because all the other girls in our family had a mom and dad that they could tell, but i didnt because i just had him and my grandma, i feel thats why he chose me" She would go off on me saying i was trying to make her "pay" for not being there all my life. But really what i was saying had nothing to do with the fact that she wasnt there for me all the years before. It wasnt about her. I was talking about my past with my grandpa...not my past with her. But that is just an example about how sensitive she was with me. When i had said that, she freaked out on me.
So..... this is the reason i got a "Fuck you" from my mother

On her facebook status she had put a few lyrics to a song that i didnt know until i met her. This song was special to me because it was the first time i had spent time with her and the first time i had heard that song and i remember her telling me how much she loved it and the lyrics fit her life so well and i enjoyed that moment with her. Everytime after that day that i would hear that song i would think of her and how much fun we had together getting to know eachother. So i left a comment on her page that said something almost exactly like this... "Never fails...every time i hear this song i think of the first time i met you my sophmore year in highschool. I remember you telling me how much you loved the song, so everytime i hear it i think of you and it makes me smile :-)" Shortly after leaving that comment, i laid down for bed when about 2 mins later i hear my phone blowing up. I look and she is freaking out on me. Saying i was a bitch and saying lies on her page. Let me remind you, earlier that day i had been texting her about how i had been really overwhelmed cuz i was 8 months pregnant and i was having a really hard time trying to get mentally prepared for the baby and we were kind of having a heart to heart (another 'special' moment if you will) and she was still completely convinced that the reason i left this comment on her facebook was to piss her off. She said i am toxic. So instead of texting her, i called her to ask her what the hell was going on cuz i was completely confused. She told me to not play stupid that i knew what my intentions were. I told her i really didnt understand why she was so upset so she then proceeded to tell me i was stupid if i didnt know. I then told her as she was screaming at me on the phone that she needed to call me when she could talk cuz i wasnt going to hang on the phone while she is screaming. So i then called her later...she still was screaming, said i was a stupid fucking bitch then said "Fuck off!" and hung up on me.

She is so convinced im this terrible person. I know i cant change that, and i know its useless to talk to her cuz this is not the first or second time she has told me to fuck off. After she did that i just bawled. i had never cried over her, ever till then. Im usually ok until i hear that she went to visit my half sister and it hurts me and i dont understand why. I know she doesnt deserve the time of day, i know i should forget her. But i cant. It was easier when i never knew her. I wish i never met her. I guess i just dont feel good enough

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Mommy103110

Asked by Mommy103110 at 12:16 AM on Jul. 27, 2012 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,699 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • You need to give yourself props for making a better life for yourself and not stooping to her level. If you decide to cut her from your life (which sounds like may be the best option considering she obviously has no problems doing so to you), you need to give yourself time to "grieve" and heal, but then pick up, move on, and learn from HER mistakes so that you can make a better life for you and your LO. Good luck.

    She may not be good enough for you, but that doesn't mean that YOU aren't good enough.
    Kword

    Answer by Kword at 12:45 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • Wow honey you almost made me cry :( to hear the little girl inside you asking to be loved is so heart breaking...You know and i know that your mother has always been selfish and for some reason has to make everything about her as well as playing the victim in your story so in other words she is attention hungry because something so simple as your comment had to turn into something about her.I think you should forgive her but start a new chapter in your life,focus on what you have,dont dwell on whats missing.Just think your daddy was the best for 10 years,and even though they were 10 short years they were ones with love and protection and thats something great about you :) your mom now and the cool part is you have the chance of never letting your baby feel all this hurt.I think you feel uncomplete and you think it's because of your mom,but its really because you don't feel good enough to be complete,let God help you :)
    GivingTreeMommy

    Answer by GivingTreeMommy at 12:48 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • I am so sorry that you feel so abandoned by your mother. You can't change your mother, you can only change the way you react to her. It wouldn't hurt for you to go for some counseling so that you can deal with the hurt. You need to find a way to validate that you are valuable and that this world would not be the same without you. You need to forgive your mother for abandoning you so that you can be set free from the disappointment. This wouldn't mean that you in any way agree with how she has acted but that you will no longer allow the relationship, that you don't have with her, take away your joy. In doing this you will set yourself free and not be on a continuous emotional roller coaster that is run by your mother. Just know that you are a unique and valuable person who has had a very rough time of it. Don't let your bad experience define you. It may take time but you can do it. Bless you.
    candbtea

    Answer by candbtea at 1:00 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • Wow.... thank you so much. I really needed this. @ GivingTreeMommy you nailed it! Right on the money... you nailed it. She is very selfish. Every way you described her is so very true about her.
    Candbtea- I did start to see a counselor because i started to feel like i was depressed... maybe postpartum because my husband and i werent doing well...i went to one visit then canceled the next cuz i felt fine...then realized maybe i made a mistake by canceling. I just feel like a mess :-/ i hope i can move forward and be fine with not ever talking to her again, again. Thank you ladies so much. I really needed this..
    Mommy103110

    Comment by Mommy103110 (original poster) at 1:19 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • Glad that a few words can lift your spirits. I would like to suggest that you continue with counseling even if you feel good, what you have gone through took years to happen it won't be undone in one session. Sometimes it takes a while to get down deep and also it takes time to make headway. You can go 3 steps forward and 1 step back. Once you have had a few months of feeling continuously on top of your game then you can cut back on counseling visits but don't jump ship until you have a real solid sense that this is behind you. You deserve to give yourself the best opportunity to overcome this hurt don't rush it, slow and steady wins the race.
    candbtea

    Answer by candbtea at 1:37 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • No, I could never imagine doing that to my children. My MIL does that to my husband though, so I see the lasting effects. She was not there for most of his life, a friend she met at a party actually did most of his raising. He turned out so wonderful thanks to that woman :) She is very dear to us :) But my MIL treats my Dh's siblings better than him. They are not bad people, but they are irresponsible and lazy. Hubby has worked his butt off since he was 16 and is pretty successful now. She does not acknowledge that, but instead lavishes gifts on his brothers, who have a hard time holding onto jobs at a gas station..they are all in their 20's BTW. She is constantly making empty promises to my children. I put my foot down tonight though, tonight was the last time she disappointed them. DH has used his hurt to fuel him to be a better father, and he is amazing, so take that hurt and let it drive you to be a better mommy :)
    Watch_me_burn

    Answer by Watch_me_burn at 2:07 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • Here is a woman who walked out on her baby daughter no once but with a second daughter as well.
    That doesnot speak highly of her.

    In a guess I would say she is the kind of person who pushes away when things get too "real"

    My advice is to let her go, She is the one who is toxic and you don't want that near yiur girls. You gave her generously a chance to share your life ans she is again pushing you away. Let her. You are better than that.

    Hugs though. I know it hurts.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:08 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • The loss is hers, not yours.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:35 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • Honey, you are a nicer person than I, I would have been done with her long ago. I feel so terrible you, you had me in tears. No parent should treat their child like that. If you don't have enough love in your heart for multiple children, then you don't need multiple children. That said, your mother is just selfish as selfish can be. Everything is about her, seems like it always has been and always will be. Keep your head up and show your baby how unlike your mother you are.
    AF4life

    Answer by AF4life at 2:38 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

  • She's fucking nuts. Thank your lucky stars that crazy bitch didn't raise you. I'm sorry... I'm not one to talk about people's mamas, and you obviously are hurting from the way she treats you, especially when she treats your half-sister differently. I don't think you're going to ever understand, ever convince her of your good and loving intentions, or have a healthy relationship with her (unless she is willing to go to family counseling with you). my suggestion to you is to get some counseling to help you deal with all that she has laid on you - teenage years are a really delicate time with relationships and feelings - when you met her. My mom grew up with an evil stepmother (makes Cinderella's look like Mary Poppins) but somehow she managed to become an excellent person and mother, just like you.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:04 AM on Jul. 27, 2012

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