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2 Bumps

Will it get better with 9 yo DD?!?!?!?!

Background: she's 9; I have 2 other children (10 & 2) My DD and 10 yo son fight all the time! Over the smallest stuff!! I know that's normal, and they know the arguing gets them into trouble, but they do it anyway.
9 yo DD is starting to go through early puberty; hormones are crazy; body is changing. She cries over the smallest thing and argues back all the time. She will talk in a baby voice if you tell her not to do something (which is over and over again)
I don't remember being like this at the age of 9 and my mother said I was almost a teenage when I started acting like this.
I've tried talking to DD, but it's always "I knooooooooow!" or "I didn't do anything!!" (then lots of crying)
Does it get better????????

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:14 AM on Aug. 8, 2012 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (6)
  • All children go through puberty. It's not an excuse for bad behavior. How bad this gets depends more upon you than upon her. If you've always had boundaries for her and enforced them, now is the time to stand firm. You let her know what will and will not be tolerated in your home. You establish consequences for her when she breaks the rules and then you enforce those. If you haven't been doing this since she was a year old, it's not too late to start, but it will be much more difficult for you to do. There is never an excuse to make others miserable, even if you are miserable yourself. Learning self-control is imperative and there's no time like the present for her to start learning that. Think about the behavior you want from her. Then sit her down and explain how the new system is going to work. Your home will be much happier and much more peaceful. Above all, do not tolerate disrespect from her!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:21 AM on Aug. 8, 2012

  • You need to help her learn to control her emotions. Kids get crazy with the hormone stuff, but they do need to control it and not take over their lives. Try telling her to count to 10 and take 3 deep breaths before answering when she's feeling out of control.

    Answer by adnilm at 10:25 AM on Aug. 8, 2012

  • Think of it as offering her help, guidance, support. Rather than "instruction" when she's overwhelmed & reactive, which triggers her defensiveness. Your degree of regulation in spite of what she's feeling (rather than getting triggered & then reacting irritably to her, which is more stressful because NOBODY can handle their feelings and essentially her feelings have the power to get her MOTHER dysregulated & reactive, which is a burden) is what can help to bring the situation back to feeling manageable. If you can stay regulated & "hold" her spilled-over feelings like a bowl, she can learn to regulate over time. This is how it works.
    If you push against her crying because it's unreasonable/over the smallest things, it's not helping her to learn tolerance for discomfort.
    This is a time for modeling. And that comes through your own ability to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings, staying regulated & helping her through.

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:45 AM on Aug. 8, 2012

  • I meant to say Yes, it gets better! Things always change. Especially if you just see it as a signal that your child is needy because she's off-track, needs some support to get regulated. I find that struggling against something because I think it "shouldn't be happening" is a recipe for prolonging it.

    You sound stressed & discouraged, which makes sense given your feelings about everything & your fears. Hang in there. Of course there are ups & downs but children are built to grow/mature & when we support them, they will. I really think "Instruction" doesn't get them there as effectively or positively as containment will.

    Side benefit is we get to grow, too. lol

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:56 AM on Aug. 8, 2012

  • Try telling her to count to 10 and take 3 deep breaths before answering when she's feeling out of control.

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 6:50 PM on Aug. 9, 2012

  • it does get better, but it takes time, I send mine to her room until she can be calm

    Answer by Keni-Lyn at 5:29 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

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