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Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm confused and I need some outside opinions. I have a friend, a man, whom I consider to be one of my best friends. I've known him for almost 15 years, and we have dated off and on over those years, and yes, occasionally we have done a friends with benefits situation. We've both always known that when we do that, there is no commitment implied or intended.

Now, here's where my problem is. I've known for a long time that I have some really strong feelings for him - I'd even go as far as to say that I am in love with him. He and I both know that we will probably never date again, because we want some different things that make a relationship difficult. I've also gathered, from things he's said and done, that he probably feels the same way about me. It's kind of begun to feel like an elephant dancing through the room that we're trying to ignore.

So, should I tell him how I feel about him? Should we just come out with it, even though we both know that we will still be just friends - and yes, I do know that it won't cause us to lose our friendship. At this point, I feel that continuing to ignore it might be more detrimental to our friendship than coming clean. Or should we just keep ignoring it since it won't change the status of our relationship?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Aug. 13, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • I would just be honest with my feelings, especially if you know it won't change the dynamic of your friendship. Confirming that you are on the same page is always a good thing, IMO. This way you won't have to feel the awkward elephant in the room feeling.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:35 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • I think you should come out with it. Personally, I think carrying on a best friend type of relationship with a man you're in love with, but don't intend to date, is probably keeping you from noticing other men around you that might turn into a love relationship (if that's what you're looking for), but that's just my opinion.

    Answer by missanc at 1:36 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • I would tell him I am sure he feels the same and then no elephant in the room I hope you get the answer you want let us know the out come.

    Answer by supgrl87 at 1:38 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • I would also be honest about it. No harm done in telling him and then you won't have an elephant. It almost sounds to me like he may feel the same... but that is just from the little info you provided. Tell him.


    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 1:45 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • with all the strong feelings you have about him and the relationship not being harmed i think you absolutely should clear the air. are the things standing in the way of the relationship different individual goals or different goals for a relationship? the first does not necessarily have to impede a relationship if you can find a new way of looking at it. if it is the second, it's probably just not a good idea, but one never knows. i avoided marriage my whole life, started dating my husband when not looking for a relationship at all, and obviously i changed my mind about the whole scenario - pretty quickly at that. the good thing is that you are so comfortable with each other. why are you scared?

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:53 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • missanc, I am not looking for a relationship right now. My life is very full with my kids and work and a relationship would take more time than I have to devote to it, plus I've had some bad relationships in recent years, which have led me to be much happier single. I do see your point, but the thing with our friendship is that we've never let it hold us back from dating other people. Like I said, we both accepted long ago that dating just didn't work for us. There are aspects of our lives where the things we want are just so different that there's no real way to compromise. I can't remember who sings it, but there's a song with the line "sometimes love just ain't enough" - I think that's kind of what we have. lol

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:55 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • If you have no intentions on having a committed relationship with this guy. Why poor your heart out to him. 

    Maybe say you love him as a friend  type thing. But anything else is, really a waiste of time to me.



    Answer by louise2 at 1:56 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • figaro - they're different goals for a relationship, such as he doesn't want to get married, and I do. Well, I did. That's kind of changed over the years, but he's adamant about not getting married and for me it's more become I'm fine with it if I don't, but I won't completely rule it out either.

    But it's other things, too. Like I have kids, and he doesn't want kids. I wouldn't force my kids on him, or force my kids to deal with knowing that he didn't really want them. In fact, he had a kid and gave up his parental rights so the mother's (eventual) husband could adopt his kid. Which I admire that he was willing to admit he couldn't be the dad the kid needed and did what he thought was best, but I wouldn't feel right if he got super invoolved with my kids instead, if you know what I mean.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:59 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • I would tell him I have to stop seeing him, and I would not tell him why. You can still be friends without "seeing" each other. This sounds very much to me like he is probably using you to fulfill some of his needs, while yours are not too very important to him. I don't like how this smells so I would move as far as possible away from the odor. When a man loves you, your needs become more important to him than his own needs, so no, I don't think he feels the same way at all!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:09 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

  • I think that the kid thing would be a deal breaker,, perhaps you have used your feelings for him to "hide" from being in a committed relationship,, I think that probably not seeing him anymore would be the best route.

    Answer by kimigogo at 3:31 PM on Aug. 13, 2012

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