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Help! My son is just UNRULY and NOTHING seems to work!!

My son is 11 years old and has ODD. He hits, throws thing, breaks stuff, bites, talks back, you name it he's done it! Nothing short of me locking him up has helped. We've taken away toys and items for bad behavior that have to be earned back. When you tell him you're taking away all his toys and stuff he goes and packs it up for you and just doesn't care that you are taking anything away. He went 3 months with NOTHING but a matress, blankets and pillows in his room, and he could have cared less. He has no privilages at home or school anymore. His behavior specialist is at a loss too. I am tired of fighting with him, and the fact I feel guilty that he is missing out on being a KID! We've gone on family trips and on the activities either DH or I stay back at the hotel with him. He doesn't get to watch TV or anything fun. He has to sit and read or do school work. I feel like I am failing as a Mom. (cont.)

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:03 PM on Feb. 4, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (13)
  • Hate to say it, but maybe it's time for DH to break out the belt. He needs to know that he is NOT in charge.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:07 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • Not to mention my other two are wonderful... Any ideas as to what I can do? I am tired of fighting with him, and the stress he causes in the house. Please only kind advise, I dont need anyone telling me what I am doing WRONG. Keep your negative thoughts to yourself. THANK YOU!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:08 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • Have you tried sitting down with him and your DH and having a very serious but calm conversation, and asking him why he behaves that way?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:08 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • We've done the whole belt thing.... If you try to spank or anything he just looks at you with a blank face, asking if that is all you got. I've smacked him with a wooden spoon (only because it was in my hand at that time, and he was throwing forks across the kitchen at the baby.) and it left such a welt and he didn't even feel it! He has no sense of pain. He fell out of a tree and broke his arm, and had the dr rest it with no pain meds. He never even asked for anything for the pain.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:12 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • "Have you tried sitting down with him and your DH and having a very serious but calm conversation, and asking him why he behaves that way?"


    He says that he just does it. It's what his body tells him to do. The behaviorist says that is part of the ODD and maybe Aspergers. We are in the process of testing for Aspergers now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:13 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • Maybe his tolerance for pain has something to do with it. Maybe he has a problem with sensory perception and he's just trying to feel something?


    If you've tried everything in your power - turn to the doctors and press for answers.  This definitely doesn't sound like normal rambunctious behavior. Good luck.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:23 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • Wow! This has to wear you out! Maybe he needs to take some time away from you or you from him. Like any situation....when we are at the end of our rope, mad and frustrated, we don't think clearly and cannot come up with the best solution. Take some time away from each other (a weekend at grandma's for him or a weekend for you so that you take a break from each other and get some time to think). It seems like he is really frustrated and he just doesn't care anymore no matter what you do (maybe he doesn't want to give you the satisfaction to know that your punishments mean anything to him). After you spend some time apart .....take him to lunch or dinner (just the two of you....maybe even let him pick where he wants to go) and talk to him. Tell him you don't like what's been going on and ask him what the heck is going on and how it can be different between you two. Then listen. momjs www.cjkidz.com
    momjs

    Answer by momjs at 8:25 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • I have worked with individuals with this problem. Sometime it is a control issue. Have you tried a reward system, let him decide what the reward is going to be. He has to earn the reward. It was to be what he really wants! Let him take some control of what is going on. Ask him what you should do when you does something wrong. How can he solve the problem. There is a book you can read. The name of the book is Overcomming Obsessive Thoughts, How To Gain Control Of Your OCD by Christine Purdon, Ph. D., C. Psych, David A. Clark, Ph. D., L Psych. The book clearly written and based on the latest research and findings. It may help you with your son.
    Atsa123

    Answer by Atsa123 at 9:18 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • as dr phil says: How's that working for you? It sounds like all the punishments you have tried are not being effective so stop it. Maybe he's doing it BECAUSE of what you are doing to him. Use reverse psychology and give it all back.....like YOU don't care. Don't scold him over his bad behavior, simply ignore it. Don't fight with him. Just get on with your daily life. If he leaves something down in a common room just kick it in his room. Let him choose what he wants to do with it. Don't clean his room, let him clean it or live like a pig. Once he sees you won't give in to his bad behavior he'll cut the crap. Remind him that there is a thing called self defense and if he bites you tell him you will bite him back. If he hits you tell him you will hit him back and you hit harder. I told my son one time to make SURE that was his final decision when he pulled back to hit me. He changed his mind. I never had to hit him or my dd.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:13 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • You say he has ODD, so he is diagnosed...what do the experts tell you to do? Is he in ongoing counseling? Is the rest of the family? I think everyone in the family should be in counseling to learn to deal with this most effectively and so that other issues don't get lost in the shuffle. This is stressful for everyone and there are no easy answers. He may always be extremely difficult, but you need to find a way to minimize it for him and for yourselves as well. At this point his behavior is controlling the family so obviously things need to change. Counseling....and not just for him! And don't expect it to work quickly and dramatically. It will be an ongoing process. How does he respond when someone is nice to him or shows him affection and caring?
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 9:17 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

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