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I've been married for 4 years. My DH has 2 girls, and we have 1 together. I can not stand my Step Daughter! She is 10 and and i dont know what to do with her! She is always coming between me and Dh. Starting fights with her sister. Lieing all the time, just being bad! I went to the doctor and told them that i needed to be put on something, so i can be more mellow around her, so they did. It's been 5 years that she has been like this. Her BM is out of the picture. Any advice?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:09 PM on Feb. 4, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (8)
  • Sounds like family counseling could help. You both need to find ways to coexist happily and relate to each other.

    Answer by laadeedah at 10:40 PM on Feb. 4, 2009

  • Did you ever think she's hurting over being abandoned by her birthmom? Some kids can't deal with it. There is something called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and it can be serious. They have abandonment issues that is something others can't understand and they act out bc of it. If after five years she's not gotten any better or blended into the family better I think I'd have her see someone bc it sounds like she may get worse in time. There is always a chance she resents you over her mom being out of the picture. No matter if you were the reason bm is gone or not. When hurting many kids need some one to blame it all on. Also remember that kids can FEEL the tension. So when you react out of not being able to stand her, she feels that and probably responds in kind. Get her some help and you might be able to quit taking drugs over it. Look what you are teaching her. Need to cope with stress? take drugs. Nice job stepmom

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • You really need to step up here as the grown-up. She is just a kid and whether she is going through difficulties with you in the picture or her mom being out of the picture, she is in fact just a kid. TRY, TRY, TRY to mend this and stop with the "I can't stand her" attitude because you start to look a bit like a teen. Deal with it and work with her. If you intend on staying with your husband then that means you will have this child (soon to be grown up) in your life and you don't want her remembering you as acting her age. She is going through abandonment and childhood trauma, you on the other hand are a grown woman. I hope I don't sound mean but I work at an elementary school where I see lots of students feel angry, sad and destructive because of abandonment and a "new" mom or dad in the picture. Be the better person. Talk to hubby and work on it and please "abandon" the phrase "I can't stand her" she is a part of your hubby!

    Answer by Gigi1969 at 2:29 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • I read your question as you being totally honest with us here, to get the best responses. I assume you don't tell her you hate her or that she is bad, because obviously no child should hear that from their mother-figure and it certainly wouldn't make things better. If you were feeling highly stressed and your reactions were becoming a problem getting medication was probably the right first step. Now you should all go to a good family counselor to see if you can work this out. This girl needs you and she needs to feel like 100% part of the family she lives in. She is dealing with the loss of her own mother, the one person who is supposed to be there to protect you from everything....and now she is having trouble in her home. This is undeniably a difficult situation, and you all need help to deal with it. You do have an obligation to this little girl and she needs help. I know this is hard for you, but counseling can help.

    Answer by BJoan at 9:12 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • Read up on the steps of grieving. She's mourning the loss of her bm. You need to find a way to attach with her. She needs to know that no matter how bad she behaves that you will always love her and not abandon her. Simple one on one time with will make a world of difference. Play a game, do a puzzle, go out for ice cream, just the 2 of you. It would be a good idea for her & her dad to do the same so she's not competing with you for her dad's attention.

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 5:34 PM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • How about putting HER on something? It sounds like this girl rules the roost. It's a shame you are on something when you could do well with counseling. You probably would learn how to handle her and stop her from manipulating enough to get between you and your spouse. You should be the number one girl around his house, not his daughter. What do you think? I hope you will try it because you deserve a happy life that you are in charge of. Doctors tend to hand out whatever drug we want, to cover up our symptoms. That doctor wasn't doing you any favors.

    Answer by happi-ladi at 7:27 PM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • I think the other answers are putting all the blame on you. Sure, you are the mother figure but you are not responsible for everything. Her father needs to be there for you, supporting you AND making sure his daughter gets the help she needs. I don't think it's healthy for you to be the answer to everyone's problem. I agree with the family counseling and her abandonment issues. You will need to do more than you may have signed up for as her step mom and your dh's wife but with a lot of help, you all can make it work. It sounds like you need help and support to help and support her. Take care of yourself first or you can't take care of anyone else, especially a difficult step daughter. I feel for you.

    Answer by happi-ladi at 7:33 PM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • I think it is important to know what you are taking on when you do marry someone with children. Happi-lady, How could you think a child's needs should be brushed aside? The child has no choices in this whole thing. The adults have obligations to the child---whatever she is going through. I agree the father should be primarily responsible for his daughter. The old saying about putting your spouse first doesn't apply in the same way to second marriages with kids involved in my opinion. That "rule" implies that both parents would be equally invested in the child....and in second marriages that isn't the case. I feel for the mom in this question...I understand it is hard. But she can't look at the child as the enemy or things will only get worse. This isn't a discipline situation. It is about emotional needs. Genuine NEEDS.

    Answer by BJoan at 10:35 AM on Feb. 7, 2009

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