Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

This is really long, to get through it and give me some advice would be forever in your debt. adult content

Seems like just yesterday... I was 16, 2 months pregnant, and engaged. I was getting married to what i thought was the love of my life. I met Andrew through a friend. He was everything i ever wanted. Although, now that i look back, i didnt know what i wanted. And i didnt know him. We got married, and 7 months later had a beautiful baby girl. That was when he left for the first time. Just disapeared. No one saw him. No one knew where he was. Andrew was never the type to be able to hold down a job, so i couldnt even go to his work to look for him. He came back about a month later, apologizing. And begging me to give him another chance. I did. He left 4 more times between then and the birth of our second daughter. I was then 19. Andrew still didnt have a steady job. No car. No money. We were living with my parents. I tried so hard to make him happy. All i wanted was the "perfect" family. About this time is when i realized, it probably wouldnt ever happen. Of course he always came back though. And i always allowed him too, hoping this time would be different. At 20 we had our third child. He is now a year and a half. This last june, my divorce would have been final. But andrew came back. I cancelled all court proceedings. And hoped it would be different agian. He was here for a week, but this time i told him to leave. I told him, that for the past 5 years, i have been begging him to be here. To be a family. And now im done. I dont want to be with you anymore. And i asked him to leave. That was the last time andrew and i were together. I havent filed for a divorce yet. But i dont want him back! Im dont living my life not knowing when or if he will leave. 5 years, and he left 23 times. 23 times!!!!!!!! We didnt talk at all for about 3 weeks this time. I contacted him and asked if we could talk. Be civil. For the kids. We were doing pretty good untill today. He actually has a job now, and we had planned to meet up so he could give me some money to help with the kids. I searched for him for 5 hrs. No where to be found. I called the girl he is staying with, and she said he was outside. I went there. He was acting very sketchy. Very twitchy. Very nervous. My oldest was with me so we got in his car, and went to walmart. He kept messing with his lips, over and over agian. I asked him why he was doing that. And he said because he was thirsty. We cashed his check and he got some water. He then asked for some help picking out a phone card for his phone. So i said sure. When i was helping him, he was doing the thing with his lips agian. (for the past 2 weeks people have been telling me and my best friend that andrew is hanging out with a bunch of meth addicts) I asked him why he was doing it agian and he said i told you my teeth hurt. NO HE DIDNT he said he was thirsty. So i bluntly asked him what he was on. He bluntly told me meth. My heart sank, and i was raged in anger. First of all meth is deadly. Second of all, he thought it would be ok to drive high on meth with my daughter in the car?!!?!?! I immediantly left.... but didnt make a scene. He keeps texting me telling me it was a one time thing. It wont happen agian. He loves me and it was because he is depressed. I havent txtd him back. I dont want to. But i dont know what to do. Dont get me wrong, i dont want to be with him!!!!!! At all! But i dont want him on meth around the kids! Has he been doing this all along?? is that why he left all the time??? Im so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on Aug. 16, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • Divorce him and make sure he doesn't see the kids until he's been drug free for at least a year
    I would have left his ass after the 2nd time he disappeared
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:02 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • He needs help and you need help, too. Your 3 children need help. See if you can get him to agree for the two of you to get some help. This is way bigger than you or he can ever hope to handle alone. And whatever you do, don't have sex with him again and make another baby. Just please call somebody and get some help to get your lives straightened out. If you can't afford to pay somebody, call the churches in your area. Most of them have trained counselors who will work for free.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:07 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • You might want to put in a few paragraph breaks to make this a bit easier to read.

    I would have been done with him long before he left 23 times. Was there anyone other than your child nearby when he admitted to you that he was on meth? Do you think you could get him to admit it in a text, or an email, or something else that would document it to show to a judge? If you can, do that. Then file for divorce, ask for sole custody and either no visitation or supervised visiitation, and if you go with supervised, see if you can get a term included that allows you to take the kids and end that visit if you suspect he's currently doing the drug.

    Oh, and yes, it could be why he left all the time. Did he ever act weird at home? If he started acting weird right before leaving, he could have been desperate for a fix.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 10:08 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • You need to go through with the divorce. Bottom line, plain and simple. When you go to court for the divorce, child support will likely be written into your divorce decree, but I don't know how they will handle visitation at that juncture. My guess is that you will have to go through a different process for visitation. I would bring up his drug use, and that when you met him after separating for the final time to get some money for the children, he drove both you and your child under the influence of methamphetamine until YOU asked the right series of questions that led to him admitting he was high. Tell them you absolutely do not trust him around your child unsupervised due to this behavior. I would also bring up the fact that he just DISAPPEARS for months at a time, and you don't want to risk him coming up missing when he has your child and not returning with her. You have LEGITIMATE concerns here.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:10 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • I completely agree with trying to get him to admit to it in writing. I would say something like "why did you think it was okay to drive me and your child around while you were high on meth?!" and he will probably reply with something like "I'm sorry" along with some excuse for it that will be like admitting to it.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:12 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • The problem is that you allowed him back into your life after that first time he left you. For me, there would have never been an opportunity for him to leave again.

    But, that is over and done with, moving on.

    What you do is simple. File for divorce. File for sole custody with supervised visits. File for child support. If you won't stop him from ruining your life because your heart keeps getting in the way, then stop him from ruining your kids' lives. Often, as mothers, it's a LOT easier to do things for our kids than it is to do them for ourselves.

    Now is the time to step up and channel your inner Pissed Off Momma Bear.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 10:15 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • I would have not been confused after the 2nd kid,, OMG woman,, go to the courthouse , and file for divorce and child support, no looking back,, 23 half of my age,, you have been to hell and back,, don't ever talk to him again, unless you are with your lawyer.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:19 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • So, recap..
    He left you 23 times and disappeared for weeks on end. (sounds like a drug binge to me..)
    Couldnt hold down a job.
    Hasnt helped you at all.
    You heard before this "one time" he was hanging out with those people.
    He admitted it to you.
    He had it in the car with your child.

    i dont understand why you are confused. He is a lying, decieving, loser who wont be getting ANY better until HE decides to do it, if he ever does.
    File for divorce.
    File for full custody.
    Move on with your life.
    Sorry to be so blunt im not trying to be mean. Look at the facts. He is NOT worth it.
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 10:26 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • If not for yourself then for your childrens sake, do not contact him ever again. Move on & forget he existed. You will never have peace with this man & your children deserve more. Don't let the kids know what he is doing just say he has to work far away & move on with your life. You are torturing yourself holding on to what cannot be. It is not fair to do this to your children. Find a man worthy of your & your childrens love. Until you close this door, another will not open. Don't waste any more time, life is too short. This chapter in your life is over. GL.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 10:30 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

  • Just think.. If someone you love (like sister, mother, best friend) came to you, and told you what you wrote here' what would you tell her?

    And remember, if you are driving with him and the kids, and you get pulled over. If he has some on him, they will arrest BOTH of you, and take the kids until you can prove you arent on the stuff. But you may still be charged with child endangerment, because you cannot prove you didnt know he had it.
    He can ruin BOTH of your lives.

    If my husband ever did Meth behind my back, and had it around the kids, he would be on his ass with divorce papers taped to him so fast, his head would spin.
    This is serious stuff, you need to think with your head, not your heart.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:36 PM on Aug. 16, 2012

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Relationships
Update on dh.

Recently Bumped in Life & Home
Fabric question

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN