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7 Bumps

When your husband becomes more of a friend than a lover...

I'm getting mixed signals in my own head. My husband is a great friend, buddy type guy, and companion, but a lousy lover. I love him, but in love? Nah. I don't know how to decipher this..... I think I'm used to the co-dependency and companionship.. but I want out. I'm willing to do everything without having to depend on him anymore. I can't do it. It seems selfish, but I want to be happy and haven't been in a long time.

I feel that I need passion, and I had that with my ex-lover that I left to reconcile back with my husband, (yes, it's been broken off before...)

So lost. I have no idea what to do.


Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 AM on Aug. 18, 2012 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • NEVER allow ANY man to abuse you!!! That's their MO, hit you, promise to never do it again, blab, blab, blab! Been there and waited until he was gone and got the hell out of there!
    NO EXCUSES! Just do it! He won't change!

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 1:23 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • Okay, well I can't speak for you, but I would be more than happy to NEVER have the sexual part again in a relationship. Give me friendship, someone who listens to me, respects me, trusts me, and is more of a friend than a lover anytime. I guess that's me. Some want different things though.

    Answer by m-avi at 12:24 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • ^^^Oh well, that's different. Physical abuse is a definite deal breaker. Do you think he'd get physical if you left?

    Answer by 3libras at 12:28 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • You aren't happy. Nothing your husband does at this point will change your mind about how you feel. He's also been abusive..some advice is move one. Don't stay another moment in this relationship. Don't however jump from this relationship into another one. Learn how to live as a single woman who takes care of herself and doesn't NEED a man to provide for her.

    Answer by meooma at 9:21 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • Ok I should have read on it is not his love making but his abuse and or the fear of it.

    I will give you the same advice my daddy gave me.

    Keep a large cast iron skilet in your house. If he EVER hits you, you wait until he is asleep and you hit him with that skillet, hard enough to keep him out a bit and you leave and do not look back.

    If you do not leave then be quiet and deal with your decision to stay.

    Rough but I totally agree.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:51 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • I am wondering how old you are.
    You do not need to tell. But we go through spurts in our lives. Sometimes it is our hormones and sometimes it is the recognition that we are aging. We get an itch.

    If you were satisfied with his love making before perhaps rather than trashing a relationship that is frankly hard to find, may be try sparking up the one you have. Maybe some counseling.

    If he never satisfied you before did you tell him how he could make it more exciting/enjoyable for you?
    If you havn't tried these things you really can't expect them any where else. If you have then good luck to you and I hope you and you ex find happiness.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:46 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • stop depending on your husband to bring excitement and happiness into your life. or any man. learn to do this for yourself. do not stay in an abusive situation.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:04 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • We've been through some shit, I will say..... He has his ups and downs, he has gotten physical with me and it isn't pretty. It's been a few months.. but he sweet talks me back into it. I'm too scared to grow a pair and leave.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:26 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • Hmmm, I think what your scared of is the unknown.... It's very scary! Go to marriage counseling and see how it goes.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:30 AM on Aug. 18, 2012

  • This really isn't about your husband, is it? It's about you. The "in love" feelings do not last for a lifetime. There will be times when they appear, but just as suddenly, they are gone again. Love, on the other hand, is the constant in a life-long marriage. When you get to be my age, which is now 66, and after you've been married more than 47 years, the love will have much more meaning to you than the "in love". Passion is wonderful, and we still have that, but it is not the driving force in our marriage. I fear you are about to throw away a great blessing for something that you think will be more exciting. When it's all said and done, happiness is a choice. And it's much, much more about what you do to make your spouse happy than it is about what you do to make yourself feel happy. I know that this knowledge is something that comes with age, but I hope you will trust me on this and stay with your husband.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:50 AM on Aug. 18, 2012