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Did I make a mistake? Should I have left my phone on?

Lastnight my husband and I had an argument, the first bad one that I can remember... My husband is gone 4 weeks at a time so it's me that takes care of problems here at home. He's there for me mentally and I know there isn't much more he can do but he doesn't seem to realize that it's hard for me to deal with all of it and I get stressed. Our 12 yr old is having some problems with his grades so I'm spending all of my evenings helping him, we also have a 5 and 6 yr old who need my attention, as well as the house, etc... My husband wanted me to himself lastnight after the kids were in bed, and I'm talking over the phone/webcam (use your imagination) and I was just drained.. I told him I was sorry, but he got really upset. Asked me how I would feel if I had to work fulltime and do it all like a lot of Moms, that hurt... He hung up on me so I turned my phone off and got a little laundry done and went to bed...

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on Feb. 5, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Nope you werent wrong. He was using emotional blackmail to try and get sexual favors. He was wrong. He should be more understanding that at the moment yes hes working, but that hes rarely home which means alot of the daily things are on your shoulders. Its like being a single mom. He isnt being understanding of your needs and wanted you to put his above your own.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:46 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • Please gently remind him that yes, you appreciate him and how hard he works at his ONE job. While he is working hard as his ONE job.......you are working at being a wife, mom, housekeeper, tutor, chauffeur, financial manager, counselor, babysitter, mediator and last but not least online porn star (I dont mean that derogatory). While you are busy trying to fit all of this into a 24 hour day.....that perhaps a surprise gift of a day spa trip with a babysitter set up, or even "hey hun, its okay get some rest.....we can finish this another time" would be called for.  As Im sure that you have on more then one occasion been patient waiting for something you wanted...........Hug yourself today momma. 

    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 8:52 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • OP here, thank you for that.... He says I'm the one causing the problems in our marriage, letting other things get in the way... Its so hard for me to wrap my mind around feeling intimate when I have been doing math, langauge arts, social studies, etc.. All evening, and then cooking cleaning up, baths etc... My 5 yr old didn't even get a bath lastnight because I was just spent. I hurts that he dooesn't even try to see it from my point of view... I turned my phone on this morning and now he say's, on voicemail, that I don't give a shit about our marriage... I can't win.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • I understand about being responsible for the family, but if you really value your marriage, your husband must come before the children. I know that's hard for many women to swallow, but it is the truth and your husband just told you that this morning. He feels that he is sacrificing by working hard and even being away from the family. No doubt, he knows he is missing out on a lot of good stuff at home, and he feels unappreciated. One of any man's greatest needs is respect and appreciation from his wife. I totally understand about being tired and all the rest, but you really need to consciously make that man of yours know that he is top dog in your opinion. I would start by apologizing for last night and asking his forgiveness for being selfish.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:17 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • Are you kidding? Oh boo hoo poor guy! Him telling his wife that she is causing trouble in the marriage because she wont satisfy him by being an online porn star? I agree that in order to have a good marriage, respect and appreciation from BOTH parties is needed. They may need to apologize to EACH other. Not just her. Why is it that the women always has to be the underling following behind one step behind? When she opts to put her needs and feelings up front on occassion she is selfish and must apologize? Mabey that was okay in a different time and a different place. But this is 2009. Our lives as a couple are different. Times have changed. There is nothing wrong with a duel respect. She works just as hard as he does.

    I apologize and I dont mean for this to come off as rude.
    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 9:50 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • well I would tell him that you do care, and you understand why he is upset, but he needs to also look at things from your point of view. I would also suggest seeking couselling for your marriage.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 10:10 AM on Feb. 5, 2009

  • OP here, it's been a long morning on the phone with my hubby.... If there's one thing I make sure I do on a daily basis is tell my hubby how much I appreciate everything he does. He apologized to me for putting his needs ahead of mine. And I apologized to him for not trying to work it out lastnight. It was wrong of me to turn my phone off but it wasn't doing either of us any good going around in circles and he hurt my feelings and he sees that now. I do have to make it up to him for turning my phone off and I'm going to do my best to do that. Thankyou for all of your advice, I will use all of it!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on Feb. 5, 2009

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