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I recently and unexpectedly found my adult son (who I placed up for adoption as an infant) on Facebook - should I contact him.

I want to my hand hovers over the send button. How do I approach it with out destroying any chance at reunion later... Particulars. This began as a private adoption before his birth it was supposed to have been open but at 2 years old the letters and photos just abruptly stopped. He knows he is adopted.

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meanmayormary

Asked by meanmayormary at 6:33 PM on Aug. 23, 2012 in Adoption

Level 6 (142 Credits)
Answers (35)
  • If it were me, I would most likely find an address or phone # and make 1st contact off the computer.
    And don't put too much energy into worrying he doesn't know he's adopted. Yes that's always a possibility. So is rejection. There are way too many possible scenarios of what you'll find to put worry on any one of them.

    Are you ready for the truth? No matter what? It's a scarey thing to do. But knowing sure beats guessing any day!

    http://www.southcarolinaadoptions.com/HowToMakeContact.pdf
    I used this article to help me script my 1st contact letter.
    And this..rules for reunion http://bmom.net/page17.htm

    Best Wishes! Just think. No more secrets and lies! C:

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 2:26 AM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • I have messaged him - I could not just ignore this crazy twist of fate the universe has handed me - I was not looking for him, and found him!!! I have also contacted a Lawyer in his town to make contact with a letter - as this seems - I do not know, official and not - "there is some crazy lady contacting me on facebook". I will also have the attorney deliver the letter to his adoptive mother - letting her know that I have made contact with him... how many parents of teenagers really know what is going on with their children after all. Yes - $500 an hour for letter delivery - however some adoptive families I have spoken with had a fear that the birthmother was just after $ - they also had the - somewhat prejudice opinion that the birthmom was well, white trash and would not be a positive influence. Also, if they choose not to talk with me, I can still receive information through an intermediary.
    meanmayormary

    Comment by meanmayormary (original poster) at 10:01 AM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • you never know until you try. Message him your contact info and leave it at that.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:11 AM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • really you didnt need to send his mother anything. he's 20 yrs old. An adult. His adoptive mother will have no say if he wants to visit with you are not or whether you're allowed to contact him or now. But its a good effort so it doesn't look lie a crazy FB lady. Keep us all updated.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:13 AM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • Good lord do not send a letter to his amom! This is between you and HIM. He is an adult not a child. Many adult adoptees hate being treated as a forever child. Send the letter address to him and him only. Ensure it is sent registered so that only he can receive it.

    If you do not receive a response off Facebook, do not worry. There is a folder under messages called "other" this is where messages go from people you are not freinds with. Most people have no idea that it exists and don't check it. Facebook doesn't notify you that it is there either.
    vampporcupine

    Answer by vampporcupine at 6:34 PM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • if my Bio parents had contacted me I woudl ahve been pissed, I found them when I was ready- it shoudl not be the other way around sorry but you placed him and he is old enough to get the records and do the finding. I think you were wrong to message him but that is my opinion from my situation.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 7:16 PM on Aug. 24, 2012

  • Please update.

    I would have made contact too. Making contact does not mean pushing contact if he doesn't want it, it just means establishing that you are there. PP didn't want contact but some others may think, if my bio parents wanted to hear from me, they would find me, and not look themselves for that reason.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:37 AM on Aug. 25, 2012

  • If this was my son, I say this as a mother through adoption, I would be glad his birth mother wanted to know about him. This to me would be confirmation to my child that what we have said is true: your first mother loved you so much and she thought she could not provide for you at the time you were born. So she provided for you the best way she could, by placing you with us.

    At twenty my son would be an adult able to make his own choices. Now my only hestiation would be for minor children being contacted through FB. That I would not be cool with. I would prefer a letter to me first so I could prepare my minor child/teen. But really he deserves the chance to know you. Best wishes.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:32 PM on Aug. 25, 2012

  • you should
    kewi86

    Answer by kewi86 at 8:52 PM on Aug. 25, 2012

  • Has the letter gone out yet to the Amom?
    Can the lawyer hold it until your son has answered back directly?

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:08 AM on Aug. 26, 2012

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