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Long vent with question at end...

DD's BMom has been getting on my every last nerve over the past few months. I used to give her excuses with everything, but now I've stopped that and what I'm seeing, I'm not happy with.

She is 23 years old. She has 2 boys younger than DD (DD is 6, boys are 4 and 2) that CPS took away from her and her then fiance last October and all visitation needs to be supervised...at first under CPS watch, then under caregiver watch...so one can assume they weren't taken for something minor. Anything and everything that goes wrong for her, it is always someone else's fault...and this I know because BGma tells me...BMom doesn't do much talking and when she does, it's about stupid stuff. BGma enables her to the point to where I'm not seeing this girl's life getting better over the years...betting in 10 years she'll either live with her parents or she will be on permanent welfare living in HUD housing.

BMom has never really shown much interest in DD. She has never tried to have any quality time with her, she has never tried to talk to her...and when we have visits, have the time she ignores her...preferring to talk with her mom (or me when I force conversations out of her) or have her face stuck in her cell texting. Our last visit in June was a picnic at a lake and BMom spent a good hour in the water by herself as DD, DH, BGma, BGpa, the two boys, and I were at the picnic table eating and talking and playing. BGma does show quite a bit of interest in DD and DH and I have suspected from the get-go that they want these visitations not for BMom or DD, but for BGma.

I texted BMom last week to talk about the visit saying what DD wanted to do and I threw out a date for next month. She texts me back saying it sounded good and said "u let mom no out of mins." I am not going to go back and forth between the two to figure out when is good and when isn't. She is a freaking adult and they are the ones insisting all visits be an entire family affair, so why in the world would she expect me to contact the family for her?

Truth be told, I'm getting tired of dealing with her 5 times a year. Right now DD doesn't seem to notice/care that BMom doesn't seem to care to visit with her at all, but eventually she will and I could just imagine how that is going to affect her. I've want to keep the visits up because I have believed it will be best for DD, but honestly, right now, I'm not sure that they are.

I know I need to stand up and say something...and I have been advised to in the past..., but the last time I did the slightest form of that back when DD was 6 months old (they were talking about monthly visits) things did not go well at all. We put up with a lot of crap from them for a long time before all hell broke loose enough for us to stop visits completely for most of 2008 when DD was 2. Since then it seems everyone has been trying their best to get a long well and we've all been succeeding, but lately it seems it's only been going good because I haven't spoken up...yet.

I want to cut visits down to 3 times a year, but I am so worried about how they will take it. Yet I can't help but to think that if she doesn't see DD as much, maybe BMom will not be taking these visits for granted.

But I'm not sure how to approach to BMom (which would turn into just BGma after the first sentence or two) the thought to cut back on visitation. It would have to be very delicate because I definitely don't want a repeat of before.

Any help/advice?

 
AllAboutKeeley

Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 3:48 PM on Aug. 26, 2012 in Adoption

Level 33 (59,879 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Can you allow BGma to continue visits and just cut down on BMom visits?

    It sounds like BGma really wants to be a part of her life and not so much BMom so why not set up a system where BGma gets to see your DD more regularly.

    I agree it may be in your DD's best interest to cut back on seeing BMom. But it might also be beneficial, if she has a good relationship with her BGma to keep that relationship as intact as possible.
    theMOMmission

    Answer by theMOMmission at 4:17 PM on Aug. 26, 2012

  • I'm a little confused. I gather you adopted your daughter, but is this a regular, open adoption? Or is this your husband's child with her and you, as stepmother, adopted her? I'm trying to figure out why she has visits.

    Anyway, if you feel that this isn't the best situation for your daughter, then just tell them what you want. Don't make it sound optional, or like you're feeling them out. Just tell them "this is what we're going to do from now on" and be done with it. Who cares if they don't like it? You're her mother now, and you (and your husband) get to make the decisions, not them.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 4:01 PM on Aug. 26, 2012

  • I agree with Wendy. If you approach your daughter's biological family as if you are giving them any choices, they'll take everything they can get and be looking for more. I don't know the whole situation, but I do know that if you adopted your daughter, then she's counting on you to look out for her, whether she's aware of her need for protection yet or not. You don't have to be mean, but come across as firm and confident, and set the boundaries you feel are appropriate. That's both your right and your responsibility as the little girl's mother. If someone blows up, tell that person to leave till she can be fit company. If someone wants to gossip or manipulate or otherwise act like a spoiled child, refuse to interact with that person till she grows up. That's what I've had to do, and while it saddens me to be estranged from my family, I feel it's best for my daughter. That comes first. Be strong.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:14 PM on Aug. 26, 2012

  • tell BGma that since she has taken such a great interst in DD you are fine with having her in YOUR childs life however, BM does nto step up and spend tie with DD which is why it was set up this way in the first place and that you are relinquishing Bmoms visits.

    Its what you feel is best for your daughter, sorry that youare having to even question all this. Hugs
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 4:10 PM on Aug. 26, 2012

  • (con't) But I am not the one who has to sit throught these visits, so whatever you feel is right. You really went into this OA blindly, doing visits every month, then 2 months, and now even every 4 months is still much more than a lot of others do. Maybe there would be more to catch up on in between visits if they were a little further apart. Good luck on your decision. Hope they take it well.

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:03 PM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • Is your daughtter intrested in her visits with Bgma and little brothers? You are correct as time evolves if birthmom doesn't get it together your daughter will notice ,bless her heart. But a loving gma birth or adoptive feels good. Is there anyway you can focus on bgma and little brothers and let bmom just be there kind of.My mom was very social so it was mostly our (sis) grandparents and our nanny .Grandparents can be a great connection so maybe try to work something with them mostly.
    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 8:13 PM on Aug. 26, 2012

  • I am all for visits...when it is benefitial. Right now it may not be. Or perhaps your little girl does not notice? If she does...limiting would be my two cents. You can certainly keep the family of orgin up to date without having to be frustrated by the lack of interest each visit.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 6:51 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • You've already said that the interaction that DD craves is with her 4 y/o 1/2-brother. As annoying as the adults are being, concentrate on that. Also, even though your focus is obviously for YOUR DD, I can't help but wonder, AAK, if your family is the only non-dysfunctional family that he interacts with? And only 5 times a year. This boy is going to be a man one day, one who your DD loves. While it's certainly in your rights to limit visits with the adults, if that's the only way she can continue her relationship with him, then maybe everyone should bring a library book, cell phone, or puzzle and let them play.

    From your description, BGma sounds like a control freak who keeps her own DD (BMom) under her thumb and reminds her of her mistakes. No wonder she has such problems. You can't control how they act toward her. One day when she notices, she can ask that visits be limited. I would hate for you to lose contact with bro.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:47 PM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • I have thought about your replies and the continued info you gave. As hard as I try to think of a way to look at it and find a valid reason for bmom and bgmom I can't. Their attitude baffles me ,to not have interest in their child is just difficult for me to fathom.I am not doubting you at all; just can't understand them .Like doodle said is there someway to let bmom just kind of fade into the background so that Keeley can keep her connection with the little brother she is crazy about?
    I wonder if the mom has learned enough to at least keep her boys or is this just the start of a cycle for them.Poor guys.
    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 2:45 PM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • This is hard. I agree that it might be nice to have some of the visits w/o bmom. Maybe you could mention that we all want to get away from our phones and computers for a while just so we can chat. Did you agree to a specific number of visits a year when you reached a compromise, or did it just evolve into five a year? Does BGma seem to appreciate how hard you've been trying to make the OA relationship work? It sounds like bmom isn't really a grown-up yet, and she doesn't act like she appreciates it at all. So many bmoms would have loved to have the opportunity for contact. It's sad that she's taking it for granted. I know from experience that OA relationships can be very rewarding, but everyone involved needs to work at it. Unfortunately, it sounds like that is not happening in this case.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:13 PM on Aug. 26, 2012