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I gave my children up for adoption

Ok this is long and kind of a vent.

All throughout my childhood CPS was involve in my life. My dad was a single parent and worked all the time to make ends meet. My brother and I cut up A LOT. We did get taken away once, but that was under false statements and when a lawyer proved the statements false we were immediately returned.
Well that still did not stop us. I ended up pregnant at 14 and had my daughter. CPS came back into our lives and really never left. I stayed with my daughters father and then had a son at 18 and another at 19 and my last son at 20.
CPS was ALWAYS around. Suprise visits, 'annonymous calls' and most of it revolved aound my children's father and his family. None of them thought he should have been 'trapped' and they knew I could not do it without him AT LEAST being in the home. His mother thought she would get custody IF ONLY she could get the kids taken from me. He was crap for a parent. I knew it. I was there and I was going to remain strong for my kids. It was hard. Very hard.
The most he could do right was be in the house with the kids when I went to work. I worked 7 days a week and did the best I could to pay the bills. My children feared their father. They hated being left alone because he had a temper and his punishments consisted of spankings. I knew the situation was horrible and looking back I feel terrible about keeping them in that situation but I needed him right? He was all I had known since I was 13!!!
Well our relationship started getting worse and worse. We fought ALL THE TIME. There was one instance where we were arguing and he pushed me against the living room wall and then threw me into a door. I kicked him out. I told him I did not want him around. What I did not know was our then 6 year old daughter witnessed it. Apparently she went to school and told her teacher ho then called CPS.
We worked out a deal that he would come to my house and watch the kids while I was at work. I ha nobody else. My dad is now a raging alcoholic and my brother is overseas. Well I came home one day and there was his mothers van at my house and 2 sherriff's cars. I almost didn't get the car into park! I ran to the house and was greeted by an officer who led me to my car and informed me I was under arrest for child abandonment. I pleaded with them trying to tell them my ex was there when I left for work and that I didn't leave the kids alone. Of course they didnt believe me.
Fast forward. Court is being put off over and over. Due to going to jail I lost my job. Then lost my house. I am still visiting my children. They are all together which was good. My daughter tells me she is so happy she doesnt see daddy any more. The CPS worker informed me their father requested signing his rights over and had not visited.
The problem in court came down to 'he said no he was not there and mom says yes he was. The only one who could confirm yes or no was the 6 year old and she was at school'. My lawyer advised me that they are seeking to terminate my rights. They say I have only put my children in danger (being that their father was such a hot head and our 6 year old told them everything he had ever done most of which I did not even know about!! Our boys couldn't talk and i was mostly done to them!!) They knew I was homeless. They knew I was jobless. There was nothing I could offer my children. That was what they left me with. I felt like the lowest person on earth (and i still do).

So I offered an ultimatum. I would voluntarily sign my rights over. My only conditions were that they MUST be kept and I could receive photo updates at least once a year. March 2010 I relinquished my rights. My daughter begged me not to. They said I had to tell her myself. She told me she did not want to be adopted. She cried to me. She begged and pleaded. She said everything was better when daddy was not home. This tore at my very core. We spent our last moments together in tears crying with her in my arms.
I can't forgive myself. To this day. I cry every day. My youngest turned 4 yesterday. I wasn't there. The adoptive parents stopped sending updates. They broke all contact. My lawyer said that it was worded 'prefer to have updates' and was not made mandatory so there was nothing I could do. Deep down I KNOW they are better off. I know I was too young to have had that much responsibility.
How do you ever become ok with it? When does it not hurt so bad??
I have since started college for an associates in Accounting. I am bettering my life. I was given almost a 'second chance' to do things I would not have been able to do. I just wish I could at least see pictures. My daughter is now 9. She started 4th grade. I wish could see her. Just to know how big she has gotten. My boys. I know they have grown. I hope they are thriving. I wish I could hug them. Give them a kiss. Let them know I care tremendously.

I know a lot will think this is spam but it really is not. I just need words of encouragement.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on Aug. 27, 2012 in Adoption

Answers (20)
  • all I can say is I am sorry! Not the same situation but I have placed a child for adoption at birth, he is in his 20's now and well it still hurts.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I'm so sorry that no one was there to stand by you during all of that. Reading this made me realize how easy it is for things to fall apart. I don't know what to tell you to make it easier, I've never been in this kind of situation. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trying to make contact, so your children will know you didn't give up.
    Make sure that the adoptive parents know where you are because one day they will want to find you, and you'll want that to be as easy as possible. You might also want to start writing to your children. Then you can give it to them when you finally do get to see them one day....
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 12:33 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I'm not sure what to say about this, but I will say that you're an incredibly strong person.
    Moseley

    Answer by Moseley at 12:42 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I send them cards for their birthdays. I send them cards for Christmas as well. All have been returned to me. :(

    I re-read above. sorry for mistakes in spelling. I was given a 'character limit' and was crying the whole time too!

    Thank you to the ladies who have answered. And thank you in advance to the ladies who will respond.

    It hurts to wonder. I think it would be easier to know how they were. In the back of my mind I really know they are ok but there are always doubts and wondering.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:43 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • They know you love them and they will find you, if it comes to that. Your daughter is old enough to remember the vital information...when she can, she will find you.
    Moseley

    Answer by Moseley at 1:10 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • *hugs* I am so sorry you have had to experience this. I wish there was something that could be said to make it better. *hugs*
    ColleenF30

    Answer by ColleenF30 at 1:15 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I think they will understand. I wish you hadn't felt you had to do that, but I understand why you did. I think you did an amazing thing. You really tried to do what you felt was best for them. That's what any good mother does. Even when it breaks your own heart.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and that you had to do that with no support from anyone.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 1:18 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I am so, so sorry that you were backed into a corner like that and had to make that decision. I wish I could say something that would easy your pain, but I know that is just not possible.

    ((Hugs))
    theMOMmission

    Answer by theMOMmission at 2:35 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I'm sorry for all of the pain that you have had to bear especially at such a young age and no guidance to steer you. That is an awful lot of responsibility for a young mother and you made what ultimately becomes the most unselfish decision in the best interest of your kids. Keep sending things. When they are returned, keep them in a box. They may have decided to cut ties because they want the children to feel more settled. Regardless of their reasoning, when / if your children come looking for you and wonder why you didn't contact them you can give them the cards and letters that you tried to send. Let them make sense of it.


    Nothing else I can say will make you feel better so I will just send you some hugs and offer you a virtual tissue. I'm sorry for your pain.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 3:11 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • hugs

    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 3:16 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

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