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I gave my children up for adoption

Ok this is long and kind of a vent.

All throughout my childhood CPS was involve in my life. My dad was a single parent and worked all the time to make ends meet. My brother and I cut up A LOT. We did get taken away once, but that was under false statements and when a lawyer proved the statements false we were immediately returned.
Well that still did not stop us. I ended up pregnant at 14 and had my daughter. CPS came back into our lives and really never left. I stayed with my daughters father and then had a son at 18 and another at 19 and my last son at 20.
CPS was ALWAYS around. Suprise visits, 'annonymous calls' and most of it revolved aound my children's father and his family. None of them thought he should have been 'trapped' and they knew I could not do it without him AT LEAST being in the home. His mother thought she would get custody IF ONLY she could get the kids taken from me. He was crap for a parent. I knew it. I was there and I was going to remain strong for my kids. It was hard. Very hard.
The most he could do right was be in the house with the kids when I went to work. I worked 7 days a week and did the best I could to pay the bills. My children feared their father. They hated being left alone because he had a temper and his punishments consisted of spankings. I knew the situation was horrible and looking back I feel terrible about keeping them in that situation but I needed him right? He was all I had known since I was 13!!!
Well our relationship started getting worse and worse. We fought ALL THE TIME. There was one instance where we were arguing and he pushed me against the living room wall and then threw me into a door. I kicked him out. I told him I did not want him around. What I did not know was our then 6 year old daughter witnessed it. Apparently she went to school and told her teacher ho then called CPS.
We worked out a deal that he would come to my house and watch the kids while I was at work. I ha nobody else. My dad is now a raging alcoholic and my brother is overseas. Well I came home one day and there was his mothers van at my house and 2 sherriff's cars. I almost didn't get the car into park! I ran to the house and was greeted by an officer who led me to my car and informed me I was under arrest for child abandonment. I pleaded with them trying to tell them my ex was there when I left for work and that I didn't leave the kids alone. Of course they didnt believe me.
Fast forward. Court is being put off over and over. Due to going to jail I lost my job. Then lost my house. I am still visiting my children. They are all together which was good. My daughter tells me she is so happy she doesnt see daddy any more. The CPS worker informed me their father requested signing his rights over and had not visited.
The problem in court came down to 'he said no he was not there and mom says yes he was. The only one who could confirm yes or no was the 6 year old and she was at school'. My lawyer advised me that they are seeking to terminate my rights. They say I have only put my children in danger (being that their father was such a hot head and our 6 year old told them everything he had ever done most of which I did not even know about!! Our boys couldn't talk and i was mostly done to them!!) They knew I was homeless. They knew I was jobless. There was nothing I could offer my children. That was what they left me with. I felt like the lowest person on earth (and i still do).

So I offered an ultimatum. I would voluntarily sign my rights over. My only conditions were that they MUST be kept and I could receive photo updates at least once a year. March 2010 I relinquished my rights. My daughter begged me not to. They said I had to tell her myself. She told me she did not want to be adopted. She cried to me. She begged and pleaded. She said everything was better when daddy was not home. This tore at my very core. We spent our last moments together in tears crying with her in my arms.
I can't forgive myself. To this day. I cry every day. My youngest turned 4 yesterday. I wasn't there. The adoptive parents stopped sending updates. They broke all contact. My lawyer said that it was worded 'prefer to have updates' and was not made mandatory so there was nothing I could do. Deep down I KNOW they are better off. I know I was too young to have had that much responsibility.
How do you ever become ok with it? When does it not hurt so bad??
I have since started college for an associates in Accounting. I am bettering my life. I was given almost a 'second chance' to do things I would not have been able to do. I just wish I could at least see pictures. My daughter is now 9. She started 4th grade. I wish could see her. Just to know how big she has gotten. My boys. I know they have grown. I hope they are thriving. I wish I could hug them. Give them a kiss. Let them know I care tremendously.

I know a lot will think this is spam but it really is not. I just need words of encouragement.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on Aug. 27, 2012 in Adoption

Answers (20)
  • How do you feel?

    Answer by escuchar at 12:55 PM on Apr. 14, 2014

  • This brings tears to my eyes, mamma! I so hope you can somehow get in concact with them sometime. Bless your heart.

    Answer by Ruthmom802 at 5:22 PM on Dec. 18, 2012

  • I am so sorry for your pain. Keep writing to them. Save everything that is returned in a box for each one. You will see them again. My hearts goes out to you. They will know you love them and never forgot them. What you did was the most selfless and loving option you had available to you. Stay strong. Go on the groups that the others suggested.

    Answer by booklover545 at 11:52 PM on Oct. 6, 2012

  • It's all that I can say! Except my heart goes out to you!!! God bless you!!!


    Answer by blondie805 at 10:29 PM on Oct. 2, 2012

  • I thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for you kind words and support.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Sep. 11, 2012

  • My heart breaks for you. The odds were against you. I feel like they were stolen from you by your ex MIL. I'm so sorry! I think document, document, document. Right down or type out all the times you are thinking of them and all the things you wish for them. Someday when they are wondering if you ever cared, you will have tons of notes and letters from over the years to hand over.

    I'm just so sorry... I don't know how to relate to being in a position where you are told you can't keep your children and you don't have resources to fight it.

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 12:34 AM on Sep. 11, 2012

  • You are not alone. Please join the Birth Mom's group here on CafeMom. Sadly, you have much in common with many others here. Congrats on bettering your life now so that when you see them again, they will see that, despite the pain of losing them, you became strong FOR them. I'm sorry you are hurting. I agree with those who say to keep what you've gotten returned, and also, keep copies of everything else you send in the future in case it's lost or destroyed and doesn't make it to them. PS-EVEN IF the wording on the annual updates had said "mandatory", open adoption isn't legally enforceable. I'm so sorry. :(



    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:48 PM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • When they are adults, or even teenagers with facebook pages, you will be able to contact them again. I would save every single card you send and maybe keep a diary to give to each of your children when they are old enough. It will show them that you never forgot about them and always carried them close to your heart.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:56 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • Hugs !! My heart ached for you when I read this . There are a few things which might help. One of the biggest is to forgive yourself. you did what you could. Accept that certain things are just the way they are. redirect your thinking- these kids will become adults and you will get a chance to make up for lost time. You gave them life. :-) . If it were me, I would start writing, to help others who might benefit from your experience and also for your kids to be able to understand when they get older. I also would start a journal for each of the kids and write in it each day if possible. When they turn 18 you can give it to them. "guilt will not change the facts". Screw guilt. When that negative committee in your head appears, just redirect it and realize there will be time later to reconnect. Believe me the time will go fast.

    Answer by LeJane at 3:39 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

  • I don't know what to tell you. Just keep writing and sending stuff like others suggested that way you can prove your kids that they were always on your mind and that you always love them and didnt forget the special dates. Again I am sorry but hope and pray that you get a chance to be part of your kids life when they are bigger.

    Answer by Alisim at 3:34 PM on Aug. 27, 2012

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