How should I handle my feelings?

There's a someone I have strong feelings for, I've been in love with for years. We've been sort of friends for a long time, started out that way, hooked up a few times then went back to going on dates. I've never felt the way I feel when I'm around this person- I feel so peaceful when we do spend time together, & I feel completely high for a week after we do see each other (I've never felt that way before). It's so far & between though, months go by, & it's not due to my lack of trying to initiate contact. It's just not reciprocated. I've gotten mixed messages that this person cares about me- tells me unprovoked that they think about me a lot, & very sweet things, & that they admire me (give me a lot of "me too" looks) & what looks like "longing looks" whenever I say something heartfelt & direct about how much I care about this person. It seems to be mixed messages, as for the fact that whenever I try to initiate spending more time doing things we're both interested in, it gets shot down & never happens. There are activities that this person participates in & tells me about when we do see each other, but never invites me to- though I express that I'm interested in going to see them in these activities. I get a feeling when I do express this, that they really don't want me to go, for whatever reason. I get the vibe that they can only fit me on their own schedule & own time & that's understandable but it's so painful to watch life past before my eyes. I'm either stuck waiting to be fit in or stuck miserably with someone else trying to move on, which at this point clearly isn't working.

I don't act other than normal when we do spend time together, I really do enjoy their company more than anybody. I try to show more affection so that they know I'm not like this for everyone. We have plans to briefly see each other but it only happens every few weeks sometimes 4-8, & I'm finding it hard to handle my emotions of wanting more from this person- wanting to see them more, though I know it won't happen due to the past track record, which breaks my heart. It also makes it hard to handle my feelings of wanting more than just friends, because I know we don't see each other that much anyway, so what would be lost if something more than that was initiated? I'm sure though if I tried for something more it would end our friendship, which isn't too often of an occurrence of a friendship but the thought of never seeing this person again completely breaks my heart, & I don't think I could deal with that. I think of this person first thing when I wake up (automatically- I can't help it), & the last thing before I go to bed.

I would be happy just being together, but since we can't seem to get that to happen all that much, it makes my feelings harder to manage, because I feel so sad after time passes & I don't see this person. Last but not least this person remembers stuff we do together. It's not just a momentarily thing. I've gotten the courage to speak up and ask how they felt toward me and the answer was that right now it's not meant to be but maybe later. This person doesn't want their freedom taken away & I understand that but then turns around makes dates once every so often. I don't think they know exactly the extent of how I feel & how deep, possibly just a hint of it- but it's never strange or awkward- & it seems to me to be a least reciprocated, but to what level I just can't seem to get a gauge on.

I know you can't make someone want you more in their life, but how do you handle your emotions & not have it break your heart? I really can't think of anyone else, it's really so far & between that I ever like anyone, even in a general sense. Especially someone I feel such a connection with, & love. I would only want the best for someone I love, & truly care about. I don't know if that would be me though, in this case.

So how do you handle feelings of wanting to spend more time with someone? When they don't seem to want that as you do? Do you keep initiating? I also haven't heard anything back to confirm our plans to get together in a few weeks, which with any friend I wouldn't at all accept as that nice of behavior- but when feelings are involved it makes it hard. It seems though that maybe what is said isn't really meant at all, because the actions don't line up with the words (this has happened a lot). Why would someone say sweet things totally unprovoked & express a great interest in wanting to hang out if they don't really mean it? I don't understand that, especially when they express it, even though you purposefully give them a way out to say something like "ok see you sometime", but they respond with a resounding "yes I really want to see you". If you don't want to & the other person has given you a way out of it, it seems strange to express interest to connect if that's not what you want- is that flirting? I don't understand.

So how do you handle this? How do you manage your feelings? The crash, after not seeing them for such prolonged times, the rush of just wanting to kiss them impulsively at anytime?

So how do I handle my feelings?

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