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9 Bumps

Would you let it go? (lets just say you are compassionate)

OK my dh owes 20,000 in arrears he's paid the cs all this time but got behind due to hours but still pays and the kids are over 18. Well today he & ex had to meet about this and the Attorney General told the ex you can let this go or we have to settle this now.

Well I ask myself damn that's a lot of money I could use but I kind of feel sorry for his new family so I (myself) would have to take this into consideration (but this is justme) I would either agree on half or let it go.

Then again you got woman who are just thinking of what's owed to them...which I do understand but it's the way they go about it maybe bc they are dealing with deadbeat dads...I feel sorry for them.

Your thoughts?


Asked by Anonymous at 7:51 PM on Aug. 30, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (35)
  • I would be compassionate.....I was! I signed off on 10K. My ex didn't have another family though, I signed off because he was never going to pay and he would just end up in jail over and over, and what good was that. I think too many people are greedy. It's all about money. If the kids are already raised and you made it, if the ex has that money he should pay, but if he's struggling and really can't pay that then why not let it go?

    Answer by robyann at 11:03 PM on Oct. 11, 2012

  • If he owes $20,000 in arrears, he OWES $20,000 in arrears.


    Answer by KristiS11384 at 8:16 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • If he owed the money, he owed it. Thats all there is too it. If he got behind, it doesn't matter that the children are grown. Thats money that the mother paid out of her pocket for 18 years to cover where the dad was slacking.
    I would have him still pay it, but I would have it put into an account for the kids. Since they are grown, and she's not longer supporting them, her expences should have gone down. Now, the money should go towards college, or weddings, etc.

    Answer by toughluck08 at 8:00 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • Well, thanks for the implication that because we don't see it your way, we aren't compassionate. Where's your compassion for your husband's ex? Where's your compassion for me? Or for my kids? Or for the countless other women who are in the same boat I am?

    You want to paint her as a money grubbing bitch, so just go ahead and do it. Don't look to us for validation. Or at least, not me. Because I sure as hell won't give it to you. It always amazes me when women marry a guy who has children and then they get all upset and offended because the ex wants the child support that's due to her and the kids. What did you expect? We don't just go up in a puff of smoke because you appear.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:37 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • The problem is it's not just owed to the ex wife. She's already put the money out to support the kids. It's money she had to spend already. Perhaps the compassion is due on the other side.

    I promise you that although my ex paid his child support, it didn't cover half of the cost of raising our son. When you take into consideration the cost of rent for having a room for your child, food, personal hygiene items, utilities the child uses, school supplies, medical expenses, child care if needed, extra-curricular activities, etc., etc., child support rarely covers a father's portion of the expenses.

    Over the years if he slowly falls behind, she has to cover those expenses anyway. So if she had to cover those expenses while they happened, there should be some compassion for her & a father should insist on fulfilling his obligation to the family he made w/her. Even if it's difficult for him. He made that family & has obligations.

    Answer by ohwrite at 8:00 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • Ok, basically you're asking would we let it go if the ex owed $20K in child support and had a new family.

    My ex does owe over $20K in child support. Even if they were over 18, I wouldn't let it go. He helped me create these children, and even if it comes years after I've shouldered the burden myself, I want his part.

    As far as his new family, sorry, no I don't feel sorry for the new family. I've got my own to worry about. If she chooses to have children with him, she does so knowing that he already has children and an obligation to those children. She should not expect me to waive that obligation just because she came along. I know that's not what you're doing, but honestly, when you're the one that is owed the money because he won't pay, it really is how it comes across.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:00 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • I have never been in this situation but it seems obvious to me that, when you owe money, you pay it back. Why should the fact that she is his ex-wife make that money less "owed"? She's been covering for him for years, PAYING for him for years, it's time he manned up and settled the account. He should consider himself lucky he's not being asked to pay interest on the arrears ...

    Answer by winterglow at 4:07 AM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • Sorry, not compassionate here. He knew he had a obligation to his other family/kids before he got with a new women and had kids with her.  i wont the money he owes me for suporting our kids when he wouldn't.

    See really, me I was one of the women that didn't want anything from my EXes. As long as they did not seak visitation. And they didn't.


    Answer by louise2 at 8:42 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • So what if she left. He still owes CS to help raise those kids. It is his fault not hers that he got behind in CS.

    Answer by louise2 at 8:53 PM on Aug. 30, 2012

  • I think there were probably years where that back support made a REAL difference in her ability to provide for the children your DH created...and in that time SHE was the one that dealt with the consequences of him not paying. That money came out of her pocket, that food came out of her mouth, etc...why on earth should she feel obligated to say "nah forget it, don't pay me back" because he can't afford the SECOND family he created? She made children with him given their circumstances at that time, not knowing that he would go on to make another family elsewhere. You made your reproductive decisions knowing that he already had an obligation to support his children with her.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:24 PM on Aug. 30, 2012