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3 Bumps

Divorce or no divorce???( little long)

I have been married to my dh for 15 years, will be in October. He has a lot of baggage from his childhood, divorced parents. We also have had our own problems over the last 15 years. I talked to his sister this morning and she says that all of the baggage from their parents marriage has effected how they became as adults, makes sense. I don't want my children to be like him in 20 years. He refuses to go to counseling. I am going myself, for me. It's not going to save our marriage though, as you know that takes two. Do I wait around and hope he will change his mind about counseling or go ahead and call it quits? My kids are 13, 11 and 9. The older 2 have even asked why I am still with him. When they were younger I thought If I could just deal with it until they were grown. But I know this isn't healthy for them either. Any advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Aug. 31, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • If you have tried to save your marriage, and it sounds like you have, your children seem to be aware of the problems, then it may be time to leave. Not knowing what the issues are it's hard to say, and divorce should always be a last alternative, but if he won't even try counseling, and nothing is changing you don't have many options. Life is short, no one should spend it miserable.

    As for your kids. People often stay in the marriage for the kids, but sometimes being from a divorced home is better than being from a miserable home.

    Good luck mama.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:25 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • It's hard to know the answer of whether you should stay or not, based on such little background.  I mean: did he cheat?, is he abusive (verbal or physically)?, anger issues?, addiction?  etc.


    But, I will say that you sound like you're over it and ready to move on.  So, if you no longer love him, then yes, it's time for it to be over.


     


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • I love him, not as much as when we married. I guess I am just trying to decide what is best for my kids. Stay with him and hope I can convince him to get counseling. But then if he doesn't that is just that much more on my kids, which they don't deserve. He never cheated. He is mentally abusive though. Every time I make a decision I ask myself will this set him off and cause an argument. That type of thing.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:31 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • You don't want your kids to turn out the way he did, and he turned out the way he did because, you imply, his parents got divorced. My question is: was it because his parents divorced, or was it because of the way things were before they divorced?

    When I was trying to decide whether or not to divorce my ex, the question I had to ask myself was whether or not my life and my children's lives would be better married or divorced. Divorce is going to affect them, no doubt. It's a given that the divorce will affect them in some way. But if they will have a better life and be happier, and if you will as well, after a divorce, then that should be what you do.

    BUT...you should also be very sure it's what you want. You don't want to look back later and think that you wish you'd given it more time, or tried something else, or whatever.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:33 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • Then I'd leave if I were you. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical and will have a lasting affect on your children.


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:33 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • Okay, now that I see the part about mental abuse in your reply, that really changes things. If he's mentally abusive, you should leave. He's not willing to go to counseling, which means he's not willing to change, which means he's going to keep mentally abusing.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:34 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • I would leave if he refuses to make improvements

    Parents dont affect how children become as adults. I had horrible parents and I grew up to me a very good person and have went farther in life then anyone in my family.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:36 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • Your own kids want you to leave their father. Doesnt that speak volume?
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:37 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • I does LostSoul. I have seizures and I have the fear of him trying to get the kids because of my health. I think my 13 and 11 year old should be able to choose who to live with. Not so sure about the 9 year old.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:51 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

  • He cant take the kids because of that.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:56 PM on Aug. 31, 2012

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