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2 Bumps

Will i ever stop feeling second best or able to trust?

My entire life my parents, sister, boyfriend, etc always hid secrets, betreayed me, told me I was never good enough, left me out of things . . . Its caused me severe trust issues, insecurities and sadness that I always feeel im left out of everything. I have always tried to figure out why, as I feel like im not a bad person. I always wanted to have fun, make everyone feel welcome, happy, loved. . . Never overstepped boundaries, gossiped, caused issues. . I really think it was because I wasn't always so negative like all of those around me that they hated me.

Now I find myself 10 years into my marriage with a wonderful guy, and our relationship is in trouble because of all my fears and feelings of inadequacy. We started councelling and he is totally gamw and we are trying to figure everytning out, but learning how much I have ahead of me and how much pain and anger I am dealing with. . . Im feeling overwhelmed and depressed and very scared. It makes all my fears a million times worse. I accuse dh of things he hasn't done, feel paranoid all the time, hurt when he wants to spend time away from me. . . I know my feelings are wrong but I can't seem to push past it.

Im so afraid I will never get better, when all I want to do is be happy and keep my marriage. Has anyone ever had a traumatic childhood that effects their current life and have any success at getting past it, and how?

Please don't be mean. Im aware of my destructive behavior and am doong all I can oto fix everything.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:15 PM on Aug. 31, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • You've been conditioned all your life not to trust and rightfully so because people were not trustworthy. Whenever you have suspicious thoughts, counter them with questions such as, "Has he ever done something that makes him not trustworthy?" When you focus on the behavior or the actions, you will tend to generalize less. Even people who've been trustworthy most of the time can do things that betray trust later on, but until that time comes, give some trust. Also start keeping a list of things he does that do make him trustworthy so anytime you have doubts, whip that list out. And there's no rule that says you have to trust people who've betrayed you in the past or give them anymore chances. Their past behavior is a perfectly valid reason not to trust them again. That is being smart. Some people will try to confuse you because they want another chance. When you focus on their actions, it's easier to decide who to trust.
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 11:39 PM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • that individual counseling for yourself would greatly increase the benefits you could get from the couples counseling.

    The biggest thing to remember is that just because he doesn't want to be up your butt 24/7 doesn't mean he doesn't love you. My parents work together, live together, they are together 24/7. Frankly, I couldn't do that. It's normal to want/need a little alone time. Both of you should have a little alone time, to enjoy your own hobbies and interests - not only will it make you appreciate your time together more, but it will also give you more to talk about.

    Good luck, sweetie!
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:24 AM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • I don't have issues from my childhood, but I got teased a lot in high school, which affected my self esteem a little and later, when my ex-husband would cheat on me with anything that had two legs, my self esteem took a serious nose dive. For a long time, I felt like you did - second best, couldn't trust, always assumed the worst when my boyfriend/SO of the moment would want to do something away from me or if he didn't answer his phone. The thing is, feeling this way makes these things worse. When he feels you don't trust him, that makes him want to stay away, which makes you not trust him, so he wants to stay away more, and it just keeps getting worse. You mention the two of you have started counseling. That's a great first step. But are YOU, alone, getting any counseling? While I managed, with a lot of work, to overcome my issues on my own, I think you could benefit from some individual counseling, and
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:22 AM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • My husband had a horrific childhood; both of his parents degraded him on a regular basis. Working through it is a DAILY task. But I continually remind him that he has been proving them wrong every single day.

    His dad passed away nearly 20 years ago, so I don't have to worry about him. We no longer associate with his mother because she STILL tears him down.

    He still has self esteem problems, at age 52. I expect they will be there forever, but they're greatly diminished from when he was 30 and I'm sure they'll continue to dissipate even if they never disappear.

    They say the best revenge is living well. So do that.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:18 AM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • Many times traumatic childhoods create disorders in children who grow up to be dysfunctional adults. It's not the end of the world but it can be a challenge. You are doing the right thing getting counseling. I'd even ask for a disorder test so your counselor knows if he/she is dealing with more than just some small issues.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 AM on Sep. 1, 2012

  • I had to build my own. Granted I read numerous books before I has some course of action. I was well into workingg through some painful areas when my mother died and some "secrets" were revealed , the biggest one was why she definitely seemed to not like me at all.
    It seems my Great grandmother did not approve of my mother and told my father her feelings when he asked. She said she never felt accepted (this is what she told my eldest brother) I looked the spitting image of my GGM. Tranferrence of dislike.
    That put a few more pieces into place for me. I hope you find you answers but believe me trust and confidence a from with in.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:31 AM on Sep. 1, 2012

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