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2 Bumps

WARNING: this is going to be a question of a sexual nature! adult content

Hi ladies...
Not sure who turn to. I've talked to hubby, but it's more like just to 'talk', I'm not sure how to express to him how to help me because he feels he can never do enough. And, while I do understand exactly where he's coming from because I too am like that, I will get irritated if I here him say again how much of failure he is as a husband and father....

He's a good guy, good heart, takes care of his family...he wants to trust God and serve God, but he has some struggles, as we all do! I try to encourage him and I try to emphasize to him that he's great...but I guess to some extent that's not enough.

Well, on to the sex...
Okay, so here's the low down on me:
I was (possibly one or the other) raped/molested between the ages of 2 and 4 two times. When I was 10(ish), my great grandmother's husband grabbed my 'girl parts'. He'd been giving me money and cookies and things like that, then one day he says to me 'I've been giving you all of these things, maybe one day you'll give me some of this...' and with his arthritic hand, he grabbed my below-the-belt-goods.

When I was between ages 7 to 9, one of my mom's 'boy friends' tried to get me in bed with him. He tried talking to me and then wanted me to come sit on the bed with him. Sitting on the bed turned into getting in the bed...when I kept refusing, this dummy figured pulling the covers back to expose his half-naked behind in something that resembled a speedo, would some how convince me that it's okay to get in the bed. I ran and hid in my closet in my room...locking my door when I went in. I remember falling asleep and waking up hearing my mom walk into the door.

A few more 'attempts' by different people were made, and then finally when I was 12, I was grabbed from behind as I was walking down the street back home one night (my mom had me run an errand for her...she'd had me do it for a week or so, so I'm assuming this person had been watching me...anyway...)...he grabbed me, pulled me into a vacant house 2 houses from my mine and then repeatedly [I'm 32 and I can't even say it...] raped me for hours.

Well, fast forward some years, and I became a very promiscuous person. Please understand, I know that not all who have gone through what I have follow in the same tracks I did...I'm just saying what I did. I realize now that I did it out of rebellion. I used to get horribly drunk and I was just a mess...so I didn't care. Until of course, I had my first child, and then things began to change from there.

Fast forward again a few more years and here I am, married, 3 kids, a homemaker, and I HATE sex. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him the way he 'thinks' he is with me. Why do I put it like that? I used to look and porn. I enjoyed it, but I have sense stopped. I've given that up...be he hasn't. Him and I have gone through a lot. His family doesn't like me, my family has issues, but that's just because they have issues, it's nothing against him. He's hurt me, I've tried hurting him, but then end up feeling guilty about it and either not doing it or telling him about it.

I've thought about cheating on him like he did me...couldn't do it. Tried sparking up 'something' with a couple of guys...couldn't do it. I felt really guilty, repented, and confessed to him. I maxed out his credit card when I was prego with baby number 2...but other than the financial strain, that didn't make me feel any better either. I know I'm going to get slammed, but I just need some help.

He still looks at porn (he's addicted, I know), claims he loves me and finds me attractive...I've done everything he's asked...I still do. I don't really want to have sex, I don't want him touching me, but I don't deny him of what he wants. I just don't know what to do. He's trying, but I can see where he's coming from saying and feeling like he can't do anything to help...I feel so bad. The only joy I seem to really get these days is from my kids and from sweets.

I recently lost a best friend that was closer than my own flesh-N-blood sister...I'm not good with handling emotions and I have a son that is very emotional...I just feel lost.

I know God is good. I know that God and can heal, but right now, I just feel lost, helpless...I sometimes feel a divorce would be best, but then I don't want to hurt the kids. I love him, but I just don't know what to do anymore. All of these past events (the rape(s), molestation, all of it just seems to flood me...I can be having a good day, driving, chilling out...and out of no where, flashes from these events come to me. The ones from when I was much younger are extremely frustrating because I have an aunt that won't fill in the gaps...and she once was a psychologist.

I know that someone is going to slam me, I get that...I just ask that, before you slam, you read what I'm saying, put yourself in my shoes, then answer accordingly. Thank you all in advance for your help.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:57 AM on Sep. 2, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Have you tried counseling?
    hopeandglory53

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 3:06 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • therapy and meds
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 3:31 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • therapy for yourself, depression meds
    jazmya_mom

    Answer by jazmya_mom at 4:13 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I have been in your shoes, and what you are feeling and going through is natural, it like a delayed reaction. But I do strongly suggest talking to therapist. If you just fell out of love your hubby, maybe you should consider divorce. I realize marriage should be a life time commitment, but if the thought of your hubby touching you is repulsive, or what not, maybe leaving is the better option. Why stay with someone doesn't make you happy? But it does sound like you are suffering from PTSD. ANd talk therapy is really beneficial, and if taking some kinda anti-depressant, it will do wonders for yourself. It also will help you and your hubby over this rough spot. At least if it doesn't, it means you tried to do something, you just didn't give up. And there is no shame to admit you need help.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 4:15 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I think your best bet is to take some time away from your husband, go stay with your family if you can, just because you are married doesnt mean you have to stay especially if you are not happy, definitely get counseling for yourself, just work on bettering yourself. Life is too short to spend with someone you dont love, you and the kids come first, I understand what you are going through I was gang raped at fifteen and molested by family members it does get better though good luck mama im here if you need someone to talk to or need a shoulder to lean on
    toybar02

    Answer by toybar02 at 5:30 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I love reading about people's life story.
    uwmilf

    Answer by uwmilf at 5:38 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • You really need to see a counselor by yourself to deal with the things you've tried to push back for so many years. I wouldn't make any important decisions about your life until you've spent some time in therapy.
    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 7:24 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I'm not going to judge you, because there's no reason to. You've made some mistakes due to some horrible things that were done to you. You didn't know how to deal with it, so you did what you thought would either help you cope or help you forget. Obviously, you're realizing that it didn't work. It's still a problem for you. So now it's time to do what can help you cope: seek counseling. A counselor can help you talk about it in a safe environment, help you come to terms with it, and help you move on with your life. You may never forget, and you may still have flashbacks and uncomfortable moments until the end of your life. But at least a counselor can help you deal with it enough that it won't have such an impact on your daily life. Once you've dealt with that, then you can reevaluate your relationship with your husband and decide whether you want to stay and seek couples counseling or end things.

    Good luck!
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:22 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I agree with the counseling. Find someone you feel comfortable with and trust me- they CAN help.
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:55 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • Him (He) and I have gone through a lot.

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:15 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

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