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Not sure who turn to. I've talked to hubby, but it's more like just to 'talk', I'm not sure how to express to him how to help me because he feels he can never do enough. And, while I do understand exactly where he's coming from because I too am like that, I will get irritated if I here him say again how much of failure he is as a husband and father....
He's a good guy, good heart, takes care of his family...he wants to trust God and serve God, but he has some struggles, as we all do! I try to encourage him and I try to emphasize to him that he's great...but I guess to some extent that's not enough.
Well, on to the sex...
Okay, so here's the low down on me:
I was (possibly one or the other) raped/molested between the ages of 2 and 4 two times. When I was 10(ish), my great grandmother's husband grabbed my 'girl parts'. He'd been giving me money and cookies and things like that, then one day he says to me 'I've been giving you all of these things, maybe one day you'll give me some of this...' and with his arthritic hand, he grabbed my below-the-belt-goods.
When I was between ages 7 to 9, one of my mom's 'boy friends' tried to get me in bed with him. He tried talking to me and then wanted me to come sit on the bed with him. Sitting on the bed turned into getting in the bed...when I kept refusing, this dummy figured pulling the covers back to expose his half-naked behind in something that resembled a speedo, would some how convince me that it's okay to get in the bed. I ran and hid in my closet in my room...locking my door when I went in. I remember falling asleep and waking up hearing my mom walk into the door.
A few more 'attempts' by different people were made, and then finally when I was 12, I was grabbed from behind as I was walking down the street back home one night (my mom had me run an errand for her...she'd had me do it for a week or so, so I'm assuming this person had been watching me...anyway...)...he grabbed me, pulled me into a vacant house 2 houses from my mine and then repeatedly [I'm 32 and I can't even say it...] raped me for hours.
Well, fast forward some years, and I became a very promiscuous person. Please understand, I know that not all who have gone through what I have follow in the same tracks I did...I'm just saying what I did. I realize now that I did it out of rebellion. I used to get horribly drunk and I was just a mess...so I didn't care. Until of course, I had my first child, and then things began to change from there.
Fast forward again a few more years and here I am, married, 3 kids, a homemaker, and I HATE sex. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him the way he 'thinks' he is with me. Why do I put it like that? I used to look and porn. I enjoyed it, but I have sense stopped. I've given that up...be he hasn't. Him and I have gone through a lot. His family doesn't like me, my family has issues, but that's just because they have issues, it's nothing against him. He's hurt me, I've tried hurting him, but then end up feeling guilty about it and either not doing it or telling him about it.
I've thought about cheating on him like he did me...couldn't do it. Tried sparking up 'something' with a couple of guys...couldn't do it. I felt really guilty, repented, and confessed to him. I maxed out his credit card when I was prego with baby number 2...but other than the financial strain, that didn't make me feel any better either. I know I'm going to get slammed, but I just need some help.
He still looks at porn (he's addicted, I know), claims he loves me and finds me attractive...I've done everything he's asked...I still do. I don't really want to have sex, I don't want him touching me, but I don't deny him of what he wants. I just don't know what to do. He's trying, but I can see where he's coming from saying and feeling like he can't do anything to help...I feel so bad. The only joy I seem to really get these days is from my kids and from sweets.
I recently lost a best friend that was closer than my own flesh-N-blood sister...I'm not good with handling emotions and I have a son that is very emotional...I just feel lost.
I know God is good. I know that God and can heal, but right now, I just feel lost, helpless...I sometimes feel a divorce would be best, but then I don't want to hurt the kids. I love him, but I just don't know what to do anymore. All of these past events (the rape(s), molestation, all of it just seems to flood me...I can be having a good day, driving, chilling out...and out of no where, flashes from these events come to me. The ones from when I was much younger are extremely frustrating because I have an aunt that won't fill in the gaps...and she once was a psychologist.
I know that someone is going to slam me, I get that...I just ask that, before you slam, you read what I'm saying, put yourself in my shoes, then answer accordingly. Thank you all in advance for your help.
Asked by Anonymous at 2:57 AM on Sep. 2, 2012 in Relationships
Answer by hopeandglory53 at 3:06 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by staciandababy at 3:31 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by jazmya_mom at 4:13 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 4:15 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by toybar02 at 5:30 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by uwmilf at 5:38 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by RyansMom001 at 7:24 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by wendythewriter at 9:22 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:55 AM on Sep. 2, 2012
Him (He) and I have gone through a lot.
Answer by feralxat at 10:15 AM on Sep. 2, 2012