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Can I get some advice about my 14 yr. old son and girlfriends in general?

I went through a lot with my now 18 year old daughter regarding boys...it was all the time and she would get very serious and emotional to the point of talking about suicide. Tore up the household, and my son saw some of it. Now she is at college and doing fine. But, now my son is interested in girls...well, they were interested in him first, but he is smart, funny, athletic and handsome..so loving the attention. He's on girlfriend #2, and just starting high school..all honors courses. He is a big teddy bear, and lokes to make people happy and laugh..and we do have a great relationship, he is very polite. We have discussed dating with him, and his dad and I agree that no one on one dating one until 16. They have gone to the movies, and he's had her here with a group of friends, and gone to friend's parties together. We know everyone (not her family at all, tho) So, he wants to "hang out" this weekend, just the 2 of them. I was not happy with this "hanging out" thing and initially said so and no you can't hang out unless you invite some other friends, or go to the mall, bowling etc. So, my DH, upon arriving home from work and running out the door to his HS reunion says, "why don't we have a little bbq, or plan something?" I asked if we could talk about it just he and I and he continues to blather before running off. Pissed me off as he just waltzed in on the conversation. I do like his GF, she's you know, giggly, seems to be mature enough, but not in a too mature way...if you know what I mean. He practically had tears on his eyes while he was trying to get me to agree to the one on one thing. SO...how do you define "dating" ...and what do you do/allow when your teen wants to "hang out"?? I don't want to "not let him grow up", but I also don't want a repeat of his sister's behavior.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:40 AM on Sep. 2, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (11)
  • IMO, if you agreed on no dating until age 16 and also IMO boys are less mature than girls....I'd stay with "no" to hanging out....In my experience, hanging out has no purpose. Hanging out leads to fooling around (starting with being silly, playing games and possibly someday progressing, if you know what I mean.) It would be completely different if you were already having a BBQ and if you wanted to invite GF AND her family. That's often hard to pull off at a day's notice, though. Good luck whichever way you go....
    kjrn79

    Answer by kjrn79 at 8:48 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • My mom had the 'no one on one dating until 16 rule'. She did allow us to have friends of the opposite sex over but we were NOT allowed in bedrooms! We had to stay in family area. We did things such as watch movies with family or play board games.
    If you ask me, playing board games is great and it is becoming a lost art. My mom used to find something to do in the kitchen while a friend and I would play board games at the table. It is some really fond memories.
    However, if you don't know her parents, I would encourage the 'hanging out' to be at your house. You don't know what her parents might allow. Trust me, some parents ignorantly allow their children to be alone in bedroom areas or other areas of the house thinking "They won't do anything' and then are surprised when some one winds up pregnant.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 8:58 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • at this age, supervision is important. the way he handles your final answer will show how mature he truly is. If this girl happens to break up with him over it then they didnt need to be BF/GF anymore anyways.

    I do have to question that she has been at your home but you don't know the parents? Never at that age would I allow a child in my home with out speaking to and meeting the parents.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I'd say WITH other people- not jsut the two of them...ok
    I really really do not get why kids need boyfriends or girlfriends at that age.
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:29 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I met her Dad, who she lives with (parents divorced) when he came to pick her up from my son's end of 8th grade year pool party. i have told my son that I really need to know her family better, but I'm not sure how easy that will be.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:47 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I was not happy with this "hanging out" thing and initially said so and no you can't hang out unless you invite some other friends, or go to the mall, bowling etc.

    You opened the door by saying other people had to be there and there had to be an activity.

    Why is it better that the other people are kids and at a mall (what the hell do kids do at a mall anyways?) or bowling alley as opposed to you and or your husband at your house where teen activity can be monitored?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:00 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • Feral your point is correct- other kids will not stop the hanging all over, sucking face etc at the mall.
    At home where mom and dad can pop in every few minutes is much safer.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 10:08 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • It's not so much location as it is group get togethers (parents present at home, but not part of the group) being preferable with specific activities...I said he could invite a few other people over our house to play games. etc, but he would like it to just be her. I do know he has kissed her and would like to again, lol!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:11 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • I think You need to decide what You're comfortable with.

    You said no dating until 16 but are allowing him to "gone to the movies, and he's had her here with a group of friends, and gone to friend's parties together".

    You could remind him, that if he's going to complain about the freedom you've given him, you can take it ALL away and put him on lock down until he reaches 16?

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:29 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

  • We had the no one on one dating until 16 rule as well. I did let girls come to the house where I could supervise. They weren't allowed in the bedrooms, had to stay in the living room or family room area. I didn't allow the boys to go to a girls house unless I knew the parents and had talked about rules with them. We also allowed certain group activities like school dances, etc.

    It's a hard thing, and all you can do is do your best to supervise, give them information, and values....and hope that you can keep things in control.....

    Good luck mama!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:03 AM on Sep. 2, 2012

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