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He wants to edit old raw video of vacations he took with his ex wife

Last night, DH and I were having a conversation about our computers and he brought up the fact that he has hours of old raw digital video from years ago of his kids when they were young as well as video of these trips he took with his ex wife to Paris. He said if he had the time, he'd create movies by editing with music, beautiful wipes, etc. I asked him if he actually wanted to do this with these trips he took alone with his ex. He said, yes - these are his memories and they are important to him but he just doesn't have the time but will have to wait till he retires.

I told him I didn't mind him doing this with the video of his kids, but it bothered me that he still had the desire to look at, manipulate and create these romantic vignettes of his life with his ex. That it upset me. He got distant and bothered that it bothered me.

I'm wondering if he is still in love with her and not over her. We are in our 50s. True, he was married to her for 25 years and she left him for another man. We've been together for 6 years - married for 4. He tells me he is over her. But this makes me wonder. He treats me well otherwise but this just makes me feel sad that I'm second fiddle.

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:39 AM on Sep. 10, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • You are second fiddle because you are putting yourself there. You are apparently insecure about your relationship with him. He went to Paris, he had a good time and would like to remember it. Get over it or you will destroy your marriage with your insecurities.

    Answer by layh41407 at 7:28 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • you are the second fiddle. she's got 25 yrs to your 6. if everything is fine and he treats you well, you have nothing to worry about. if you want to stir up something, you'll do a bang up job by insisting he forget his past, to please you.
    like layh said, get over it.

    Answer by dullscissors at 7:44 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • You're only second fiddle because you want to be. They were together for 25 years. He's not with her anymore. He's with you. So he wants to edit some videos that give him pleasant memories. They're videos of vacations. It's not like they recorded their sex life and that's what he wants to edit. Let it go.

    Keep this in mind, too: If you suggest to him that you wonder if he's not over her - you'll be putting the idea into his head. And he might start to wonder himself. Do you really want that to happen?

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:23 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • he cant erase his past.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:33 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • I understand how you feel & I would probably feel the same way. I understand wanting to edit the movies that his kids are in, but the ones w/ the ex are another story. I kept my wedding album from my 1st marriage, but only because there were so many pictures of people I love in it &' many of them are the only pictures I have of people long gone. I don't even look at it, I'll give it to my oldest son someday if he wants it. Of course, I left my ex & we were only married 4 yrs.

    My husband & I are also in our 50's. We've been married 24 ys. That's a long time, a lot of history together. I'd say make a lot of memories together, take a lot of movies of them....and hopefully, by the time he retires, which I assume is a few years off, there will be plenty of the two of you to edit & manipulate.

    I think I'd also go to counseling. It would be great if he went too, but he probably feels there's nothing wrong, but I think I'd go Hugs.

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:44 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • He ex was part of his life. Like it or not he has children with her. Their kids might enjoy these when they are older or when either he or his ex die. It's part of their past too.

    Now if you caught him masturbating to them, I would be concerned.

    You can't erase a quarter century of memories. Live for today and love your now.

    Answer by Izsarejman at 9:56 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • While I agree with what most of what every one else has I said I do think your feelings are valid.

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 10:17 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • Sadly, he doesn't like taking videos anymore. We just went on a trip to Ireland and he said he didn't want to take the video camera. That was why after our return when he said he would like to do this with the past videos, I was hurt because he chose not to videotape on our trips. He said he doesn't like to do it anymore because it's a distraction from enjoying the experience. Yet he says he enjoys the editing part. So there will be no videos of us on our vacations together. And he is not interested in editing videos I've made.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:16 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • Honestly? I agree with most of these women. Its not something to be concerned over. He said he would like to, but he wouldn't have the time to until he retires. That's another few years down the road, right? Who knows, by then he might have changed his mind about it.

    While yes, your feelings are valid, and I'd probably be feeling the same thing (at first), is it something you want to fight about? I would try to, in as gentle a manner, tell him, "Honey, I know you want to edit those movies of you and your ex wife, and I understand, but I just wanted to let you know how it makes me feel." And then tell him your FEELINGS, do NOT be accusatory, as I highly doubt he's trying to make you feel bad with this. This was his life, his memories. Let him talk to you...this is IF you feel you must bring it to his attention. If not, I would suggest getting a therapist to talk with who'll help you sort this out.

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 11:17 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

  • We're kind of done talking about it now. I did let him know that it made me feel bad and that I was fine with him editing videos of the kids and such - but I didn't understand his desire to edit the romantic trip to France with her. I did say something sarcastic like "When you finish, you could give it to her as an anniversary gift." I am in therapy and I know my therapist will most likely tell me the same things as most of you - FORGET IT. He's a good man. Let it go. He still loves her a little bit because she was in his life 25 years.

    I know this but these things when they come up just zing me in the heart. I feel that he's only with me because she left him. He often tells me that they had a good life together other than her cheating. Enjoyed raising their kids. Had a decent enough time. He's actually the only one who speaks highly of her even though she screwed him. It's hard for me to hear that stuff.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:26 AM on Sep. 10, 2012

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