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How to deal with 14 yr. old son searching images on computer? adult content

He had gone to a few website a year ago, with pics of female bodies/boobs, etc. and I spoke to him about the dangers of internet porn, etc. Continued with discussion about sex, curiosity, normal stuff vs. not normal (porn). He promised to not go to these sites anymore. He is sought out by girls in his class, very athletic and attractive, and has a girlfriend...very limited get togethers per our request.
So, after work yesterday, since he was home alone for almost 3 hours, I looked at the computer history and saw links (followed them) to TUMBLR which is an annoying "diarrhea of the teenage mind in photos" website. The link was to someone's page of sexual postures, photos of penetration and people engaged in a few forms of sex. Not videos, but I'm NOT HAPPY! So, I calmly asked him why he went there, especially after our discussion and his promise, and what we are going to do about it. Turns out his older sister, now 18 and not home, had left this open once (she spent way too much time on TUMBLR and I did address it) and he got an eyeful...and admits he can't stop himself, even thought he knows it's wrong. Goes there a couple afternoons a week or so he said. My alarm goes off and so I said, I can help you with this by locking the computer when I am not home. Then we had an hour long discussion about sex, age appropriateness, limits, hormones, and what HE thinks about it. Knows what he wants to do in life, go to college etc., says he's not stupid enough to have sex with all the risks, and wants to be really good friends with his girlfriend. I even explained how to use a condom and he kind of cut me off because he is obviously not ready to actually use one. He is in health class now and they are right about to cover the sex/birth control/abstinence thing.
He also said he feels like I don't tell him enough, because everyone at school is laughing at things/jokes he doesn't understand...? Like a joke about BJ's...which is a shopping warehouse in this area,. Again, I explained the double entendre. I added that maybe they watch different stuff on TV...he said yeah, like SouthPark. I've never watched this, although he's seen suggestive material via other sitcoms. Please give your thoughts if you've had to handle this internet stuff, or you are just trying to raise a kid with good values/morals in an R rated world. What am I missing telling him?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:57 AM on Sep. 14, 2012 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • Why do you not have a safety program on you compter. I think all boys want to look at naked women, but you need to explain to him that i is not appropriate,, I would say no more computer.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:02 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • Well, you need to reinforce your values. Boys are tough. His promise isn't about you, it's about him. Kids today really don't feel like (with good reason) they have to have any self control. Everywhere they look suggestive things are happening, tv, classmates, websites. You don't have to teach him slang, it's refreshing to hear that a young person doesn't "get it". Instead of focusing so much on wanting to be like the other kids with loose morals and mouths, I would have a talk with him about modeling good behavior and respect for woman and marriage and relationships
    You should be proud that he doesn't understand much of the awful things from these disgusting tv shows. You are doing a good job by not exposing him, in your home, to things like that.
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 10:03 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • You are not missing telling him anything. You are not just dealing with your nice little boy anymore. You are dealing with the urges and curiosity brought on by age appropriate hormones and peer pressure. I don't think anything you preach to him or lock him out of will help. He sounds like a normal 14 yr old young man whose door has been opened to a world he's never been exposed to before. It's normal. I wouldn't forbid him from looking at images of normal sex. Personally, I'd sit down and watch it with him and ask him if he has questions about anything he's seeing. If he gets to something that actually offends you or isn't socially accepted as "normal" sexual behavior I'd discuss why it's considered wrong. This isn't the time to shy away from this. If you do, you are teaching him that normal sexual activity is bad. Show him (or have dad do it) what is the things you consider normal so he will have a healthy attitude about sex
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:08 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • Thank you. I thought I might get bashed for being unrealistic in how I am trying to raise my son in this rather permissive era :/
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:10 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • Keep it up anon. They may be exposed to these things outside your house, but by keeping your home filth free, you are sending a very clear message.
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 10:15 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • I would install the safties on your computer and if he can not be responsible and follow the rules you have set then you need to be present every time he uses the computer. Check you history setting every day to be sure.
    This is not abnormal behaviour. In years past (and still is) it was playboys and penthouse and now it is the computer. Not only is he surrounded by it his friends and his hormones are urging him onward as well. You are a good parent to be concerned and to try to curb is viewing
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:16 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • On all our computers the administrator can set the internet to filter out inappropriate sites. Have you tried this?
    booklover545

    Answer by booklover545 at 10:25 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • he is probably just trying to understand what all the other kids are talking about. I would just tell him how dangerous it is to look at that stuff online..how police connect criminals to that stuff..etc..
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 10:33 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • When our boys were that age, they understood the computer better than we did, and safety locks didn't help. We put the computer in my office sewing room, and put a key lock on the door. If they needed to use the computer I was in there....of course, my boys didn't have smart phones they could access the computer on then.

    This is such a challenging time for raising kids with values. Can I also tell you that he may mean everything he says, but his hormones are going crazy, and if the girlfriend is willing at some point, things will happen. I didn't want to condone things, but I did want them to be safe. I made sure there were condoms available, I just put them in the cupboard in the bathroom.

    Keep doing what you're doing,all we can do is our best. Our kids are just human.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:36 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

  • Thanks, again. I made sure not to make him feel as tough he is a deviant, or that sex is a bad thing, but yet do want him to understand all of the ramifications of sex and the internet, and that sex can be risky no matter what...i.e, failure rates of BC, responsibilities, and the emotional/per pressure stuff. I made a point not to get my kids smart phones and won't. If they want them they can get their own contracts when they are old enough and want to pay for them. He did say that the images suck you in and are like a drug...I explained that hormones can be powerful...it's not there's anything wrong with sexual feelings, it's what you decide do do with/about them. And not to fill your free time with it at his age...he has plenty of time to learn about it all, and plenty of more important things to do.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:50 AM on Sep. 14, 2012

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