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3 Bumps

My 20 year old son terrorizes the family with his bullying...

My son quit tech school with only one semester left. He has a job with my dad, when he will show up. He sleeps all day, won't work, runs with his friends. As far as I can tell, no drugs. He is mean to his younger siblings. He is always hateful and today he told his sister he would like to put a bullet in her head. I kicked him out a year ago for several months. He refuses to go to counseling with us as a family. He refuses to help out around the house. I am a single mother and his father is of no help in this matter. My son was diagnosed as bipolar several years ago, but his father convinced him he didn't need meds. I am at my wit's end. Been told by my family that I'm a bad mother to kick him out, but also told by others I'm a bad mother for letting him stay.

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Calypso3

Asked by Calypso3 at 4:04 PM on Oct. 1, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (25 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • Then he can live with his dad.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 4:05 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • Tried that. He hated it and his dad has said he can't come back. I think I have no choice but to kick him out, however that isn't really helping him, just relieving some of the stress in the house.
    Calypso3

    Comment by Calypso3 (original poster) at 4:07 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • He is an adult, so you are perfectly within your rights to ask him to leave. At this point in his life, living in your home is a privilege and it doesn't appear it's one he appreciates. I think your family is wrong, and that in fact, telling him he has to go might just be the only thing that will cause him to see that he has to become responsible for himself now that he's an adult. As long as you enable him to remain dependent, he has no incentive to become anything else.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:08 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • Then he can live with his dad. Answer by staciandababy


    ^^This!


    Also, your priority is to keep your children safe.  He is old enough to provide for himself.  Him failing to do so it his choice.  Your younger kids need to know that it's not okay for someone to treat them like that. 

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 4:09 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • Thank you all. I guess I already know what I need to do, just need some affirmation that I'm diong the right thing. This is the SAME advice I've given before. Funny how hard it is when it's your own.
    Calypso3

    Comment by Calypso3 (original poster) at 4:11 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • It is hard when it's your own....no matter what choice you make, you feel you've made the wrong one. Ask me how I know.

    Big hugs mama.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 4:13 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • Thank you ohwrite. Hugs back atcha....how ya know?
    Calypso3

    Comment by Calypso3 (original poster) at 4:15 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • I give GREAT advice (sometimes), I almost never take it, even if it's my own words. It's time for some tough love on your part. You need to keep your minor children safe still.

    I would send him a certified letter telling him he has 30/60/90 days to get a job, keep the job, get back on his meds and be a contributing member of the household or he will be evicted. Then stick to your guns if/when he fails to live up to his end of things.

    He'll pitch a fit, and say some hurtful things that he will later regret. Remember that you're doing this FOR him because you LOVE him.

    Good Luck!
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 4:29 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • I won't say you are a bad mother, but one that seems caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
    He is over 18 and he is an adult which means he can go and make his own way.
    You have younger children that also need your protection and strength and they can not yet make their own way.
    He is over 18 and can choose to get help or not, His father has no say in the matter. Perhaps your son can go and live with him.
    That would be a very good solution.
    But if your son is not willing to get help and to do responsible things then you are enabling him and crippling him from having a productive life. Sometimes the most loving choices are the hardest and make you look heartless.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:31 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

  • Although my son didn't bully the family, he wouldn't work or go to school, laid around, made messes, did some scary drugs & other behavior. We had younger boys & finally kicked him out. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I cried & was sick w/ guilt for a long time. He went to his dad's for awhile, then came back home...we kicked him out again, went to his grandmother's, then back home, kicked him out again-every time it happened he would say the right things, but the behavior didn't change. Every time it happened, I felt like a terrible mother & so sick with guilt. I still cry when I think about it.

    I think, he's finally getting his life together. It looks like it. He's met a nice girl who seems to have given him the motivation to be his best. But, we've been through a lot of years of fear for him & hurt.

    It's so hard, we love our kids so much & want to be there for them, but sometimes they have to save themselves.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 4:32 PM on Oct. 1, 2012

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