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What are your thoughts on this?

My daughter is 18 and has a boyfriend that she has know for 7 years and he still lives 3 states away, where we moved away from 3 years ago.

My daughter decided that she wants to be a doctor eventually and had made plans to attend a local college and med school. Just before Christmas her boyfriend said he would move down here to be with her. He is 19 and has not had any desire to go to college. He came down to visit for Xmas and then she went home with him and stayed for 3 weeks with him and his single mother. Now suddenly she wants to move to his hometown and go to school up there and live with her boyfriend and his mother. I have talked to her and she is determined to do this! Has anyone here been is a similar situation? How did it turn out? Can you offer any advice on the best way to handle it.

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:00 PM on Feb. 9, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (11)
  • I moved away from home for my boyfriend (now husband). We met in my hometown while he was going to school. He decided it wasn't for him and moved back and asked me to go too. It was great for me. Your daughter is an adult, she needs to make her own decisions and her own mistakes. My husband and I are married. I am a college graduate. My husband later went to school and we are very happy. It's her decision and if she feels it's what she wants to do, you need to support that.

    Answer by DDry at 1:03 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • My dd is 19 and she was very determined to move in with her bf even though we didnt think it was alright. The more I bucked against it the more she wanted to do it anyway. I think part of it at that age is them forming their own identity away from us so they can figure out who they are. The more we fight it the more they rebel and want it anyway. There comes a time when we have to say Ok I did my best and hope they take with them the things we taught them. Sometimes its like watching a train wreck in slow motion but being a mom as you know doesnt end when they turn 18. There is never a goal line or a touch down. We are ALWAYS their mom, difference is they are adults so we have to let them go. You are going to have to step back and let her go and make her own mistakes. I know its hard.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:04 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • There's really not much you can do since she's over 18. It sounds like she's in a long term committed relationship and she plans to continue her education. What is it that bothers you the most about the situation? Is it that she'll be living with him? Is it because she is going away for school? Is it because the boyfriend shows no sign of continuing his education at this time? Is it because the mother is single? If you fight her on this you're going to create an angry situation and she'll probably go anyway. Is that how you want it to be with her being three states away?

    Answer by AuntieM at 1:06 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • Its doubtful that he's the one, but being in love a 18 feels so profound. Tell her to compare herself now to how she was at 14. In 4-5 years she's going to have a completely different perspective of the world. No one wants regrets. Since she has greater ambitions than her boyfriend perhaps he should be the one to relocate. If he really cares for her he wouldn't want her to compromise her future.

    Answer by Farrahann at 1:06 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I'm sorry I had the impression that her first choice for school was the better one.

    Answer by Farrahann at 1:09 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I agree with AuntieM 100% on everything. I guess the part that got me was :stayed for 3 weeks with him and his single mother. Does this part really factor into the situation?

    My advice: Let her learn on her own and if she makes a mistake , its her mistake to fix. Support her emotionally, and let the rest take care of tself. The more you say, the more she is going to dig her heels in, just because you tell her not too. Even if she is 18 they still have some growing up to do, and some isn't all that grand.We bring them up to make good choices, and any choice she makes now is her own and for her to live with.


    Answer by Kat122 at 5:13 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I bet you sad she didn’t fly off under better situations. Just wish you luck and let her purse college under her own dime.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:14 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • girl giving flowermy daughter just turned 18 and will be going off to college this summer. I am very sad, but happy also. I think what bothers you the most is that you want her to be closer to home so you can spend more time with her. If so, those feelings are totally normal! Its called empty nest as you well know. Bottom line, you are going to miss her regardless of her choices, best to just try and have a great relationship far away than none at all. I am sure she will call you daily, especially if you support her. Dont give her advice unless she asks for it. Pray that you have done well with her and let her fly!!! Be strong for her as you have always been, she'll be back mom!!! God Bless! Pepperann


    Answer by pepperannrocks at 10:24 AM on Feb. 10, 2009

  • I think you should ask her to sit down with you and have an adult discussion about her choice. Make a list of pros and cons. Are you going to support her while in college? Would you support her if she went to a different college away from home? If she has valid mature reasons for wanting to be closer to her bf, you just have to trust her. If she uses immature excuses and does not want to discuss this maturely, she will have to fall flat on her face on her own. If you feel she is too immature to do this, just tell her you won't pay for anything but her tuition and books directly to the school. And put a time limit on what you will pay for.

    It is hard to let them go and not try to save them from everything but in the end it will make her a better person. If you help her make a mature decision, she will appreciate you forever. But if you demand that she do what you say, you will lose her.

    Answer by BayouGirlnOK at 6:25 PM on Feb. 10, 2009

  • i'm only 24 so I obviously have no adult children...but as an "adult child" myself I think shes making a big mistake. NEVER move or do anything just for a guy. What if things don't work out for them? then what is she going to do? She may be stubborn and not listen anyway, but I don't think she should give up her dreams & just settle. On the other hand...maybe she just truely does not want to do med school and this is her out. ask her which it is. She needs to think for herself and not for any man.

    Answer by john2007 at 11:45 AM on Feb. 12, 2009

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