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I have been a step-mom for 7 years, is it not my place to make and arrangement and appointments for him? we have primary residency of him, and shared custody.

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Asked by MrsG423 at 1:49 PM on Feb. 9, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 4 (38 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Whats the court order say? Thats what it comes down to. That and the relationship with his mother. If you have shared custody then it seems to me its a 50/50 decision correct? I would still leave it up to dad and his mother because its shared custody which means everything has to be agreed to 50/50, and he lives with his mom 50/50? Im in a similar situation and dont mind the sm doing some things but want to be informed first since its my son and common courtesy. The way I explained it to her is I wouldnt come to her house and make appts or arrangements for her child without asking.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:51 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • How have you and DH handled it so far?


    Answer by Wimsey at 1:52 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • when he is with you yes it is your spot to help him you are his stepmom and he depends on you to treat him like a mom no matter the situation.

    Kids are smart and they know who is true and who is pretending.


    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • Shared custody doesnt mean you hav primary residency it means the childs with you 50% of the time and 50% with his mother. No you shouldnt be making appointments or arrangements for him without passing it through his father and mother. Some appointments may be something she or he want to be there for on their time.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • agree with anon 154

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:57 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • As a stepmom with a BM having joint custody you essectially become the third parent. If you think he needs an appt you need to tell his Dad. It is Dads responsibility to communicatew with the BM about it.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 2:02 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I agree with gemgem it depends what your court order says and the agreement you have with dad and biomom. We have a 50-50 situation and I would check with mom unless it was an emergency, in which case I would do what needed to be done but would still definitely inform mom.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:02 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I think if he lives primarily with you and dad, it is you and dad who are responsible for regular medical and dental appts. Just keep mom up to date on it.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:20 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • As a step-mom myself I too would say no you are not responsible for making appointments. His dad and mom are. You can take him to them and support your step child but medical matters belong in the parents hands. As does going to parent teacher meetings and such. You can still be active in their life by going to their sports games, and school plays/musicals. As a step-mom you do have to take a step back. I came into my step-daughter's life when she was 6. She is turning 20 here this summer. Tough to step back I know, but you must.


    Answer by momfourboys at 3:25 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

  • I think it really depends on everyones situation. How far away they are, how much time the kids are here or there, and of course the schedule. My oldest son's SM and I worked it out who would take care of most routine appts. She took care of one 6mo appt for the dentist (in June), and I did the other one in December. That way he also had a dentist who he was familar with in both places in case of an emergency.
    While my ex is a wonderful father, rather than he and I work it out and then SM still had to be the one to actually handle it, we found it was much easier to just talk about it ourselves and let him know what we decided. I did the same thing with my husbands ex. He was in the miltary and I would be the one who ultimately would have to take his daughter to most appts. So it was easier to set up any necessary appts myself. In these cases we were several hours away from the other party.


    Answer by redhddiva at 4:21 PM on Feb. 9, 2009

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