Daughter away at college - Help

Okay, we decided that my dd would not come home for thansgiving because its only four days total, and two days would be traveling, etc. She'll be home for Christmas, plain tickets bought - all good.
BUT she says she met this guy a few weeks ago who's 26, she is 19. Just turned 19 in Sept.
You has been offered to go with her room-mate to her family"s home in the same state OR this guy has asked her to go an additional 10 hour drive to his home in Chicago.

I realize she is 19 and I cannot stop her from going with this guy. I have called and talked to her and told her I do not think, it is a good idea.

What else can i say to her? Thia scares me so much. I told her, ifbyou still know this guy next year, go with him. He says, he wants her to meet his mother. This guy told her he was a Marine, works for Dish network and is going to college also. He is 26, already out of the Marines? Don't they sign a contract for more than 7 years, as a Marine?

Can I call the school counselor to speak with her?
Or because she's an adult - they don't do that.

I am 12 hours away, by car. I hate this and this has we so worried.
The orginal plan was for her to just stay at school.

What would you do?

What can i do to tell her this is such a bad idea?

Worried mommy

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:48 AM on Oct. 26, 2012 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (14)

The only thing I can think of is that if you are paying for her college education, then you should be the one still making these kinds of decisions. If she's working and paying her own way, then I guess you don't have any leverage. If you are paying, you can tell her that if she expects you to pay for next semester, then she won't be going to Chicago. Power and responsibility go together. If you have the responsbility, you have the power. If she wants the power, then she also gets the responsibility. There was a time not so long ago when it actually mattered to children what their parents thought about any given situation and when children were willing to take that advice!! Times don't always change for the better, I am sorry to say.

Answer by NannyB. at 7:05 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
Credits: 61345 Level 33 Adult Children (18+) 101

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Worst advice ever^^^^^^^^ NEVER hold their education over their head to get your way, OP. I agree with the 1st poster.

Answer by Anonymous at 7:36 AM on Oct. 26, 2012

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Notice to all other parents, staying at school for Thanksgiving is NOT an option. If they can't come home make plans early for them to go to somebody else's house or else you create a vacuum that opportunists like this take advantage of. Never never expect them to stay in an empty dorm for a major holiday. It doesn't work, never has, never will. Don't even consider it an option. Encourage her to go with the female friend. Remind her that dumping friends for guys who come and go is a bad personal policy. Then just corss your fingers.

Answer by LoveMyDog at 8:24 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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Oh this sucks. I have dealt w/ a similar situation w/ my son. (I will probably be even worse about it when it's my dau!) Unfortunately, you are right about her being an adult now. The hardest part for me about parenting an adult child, is sitting back & waiting for the cards to fall. We can usually guess how things will play out, but it's up to them to live their lives & find out for themselves. We just have to hope that we've trained them well enough to make smart decisions, & pray that they are smart enough to learn from their mistakes.

Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:55 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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If the Marines sign on for 7 years, and he signed on at 18, he was out at 25 - that part is totally possible. I have no advice or anything - just don't make a kid stay at school while everyone else leaves for a break, urge her to go with her roommate.

Answer by idareyou at 8:24 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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I would just encourage her to go with her friend instead of the BF. It will be just as much travel for her to go with the BF as it would to come home. She will still have two whole days of travel if she goes with the guy.

Answer by QuinnMae at 10:31 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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Share your wishes & preferences, communicate that you're concerned & you wish she'd go with roommate. Recognize that this is a constructive way to relate to your child: giving her personal feedback while implicitly and explicitly recognizing her sovereignty as a person--that your feedback is information, not emotional leverage.

Recognize how hard this is for you, how much you are grasping for what you "can" do to "make" her do the thing you think is right/safe. You're struggling with the wish to control her, to force things to go your way. (Ideally, you want her to choose that freely but your fear comes up with the thought "what if she doesn't?" and that's when you begin casting about for ways to force the outcome.)

When your conversations with her about this stray from sharing your preferences & opinions AS your preferences & opinions (becoming instead what's "right" or "best," her roommate "needs" her, etc.) it's leverage.

Answer by girlwithC at 11:09 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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NannyB mentioned a time "not so long ago" when what parents thought actually mattered to children. Well, what allows that to happen is freedom. Autonomy. Recognizing where one person's rights end, and another's begin, and honoring that.

Sharing our concerns & advice responsibly, without trying to obligate our loved ones to do what we want, and relating in these respectful ways routinely and consistently over time is what fosters emotional freedom and also trust in the parent. A child who feels controlled is the one who tends to be stuck in kneejerk opposition. A child who knows a decision is hers to make, regardless of what it is, (and believes her parent recognizes this, too) is one who is free to consider seriously the concerns and preferences her parent expresses. And what that parent thinks is likely to matter to such a child (however she may decide to proceed in a given situation.)

Answer by girlwithC at 11:20 AM on Oct. 26, 2012
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No its four years. You have to take your daughter aside and show her what can happen who knows this guy maybe you can call and meet his mom? Also maybe you need to show her the truth he might be on the up and up but until she knows for sure she should not be going on a trip with him.

Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:24 PM on Oct. 26, 2012
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let her be an adult and make up her own mind. Seriously why cant parent let their adult children grow up?

Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:48 PM on Oct. 26, 2012
Credits: 108938 Level 39 Adult Children (18+) 101

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